Caring for Mom is wearing me down. Over the last 10 years I got on a good exercise program, changed my eating habits and lost 40 lbs. Two years ago I further altered my diet, cutting out sugar and most carbs. I lost another 10 lbs. I felt great, had more strength and energy than I had in years.
Now I have been tag teaming with my sister, caring for our Mom. Sis lives in the same town as Mom; I live 900 miles away. As Mom continued to decline mentally and physically, I made more frequent and longer trips to be with her. While she has not been diagnosed with dementia (is very good at "show timing" at the doctor's office), she is VERY particular, is angry that I won't move my family to be with her, insists on controlling every aspect of her life, even though her cognitive abilities are rapidly declining. She can't figure out how to balance her checkbook, but refuses to let us do it because she was a bookkeeper. Also has virtually no short term memory and thus believes we are keeping things from her, even though we repeat things over and over. Her food has to be prepared just so or she makes a face or says something disparaging - very passive/aggressive. Her latest obsession is being convinced there are bugs in her food, as we did recently have some fruit flies. Those are all gone now, but her eyes are bad and she now inspects all her food and any dark crumb, seed or flake of parsley she sees as moving and therefore is a bug. Convincing her there are no bugs is just the latest exhausting aspect of her care.
So, not only am I not able to exercise like I used to (Mom cannot be left alone for any length of time), now I find myself eating comfort food, because it it the only thing in my day that makes me feel good. Potatoes, bread, cookies, candy, pasta - all the things I had eliminated from my diet. I am gaining weight, getting depressed and angry with myself for not having more discipline. Is anyone else experiencing this? How can I regain that discipline and positive outlook I used to have?
Best wishes to you, hope you get a good start this day. I hope to do better also.
Let me know how its going. Maybe we can hold each other accountable.:)
My colleague is on the Keto Diet which is no carb, but high in fats and protein. She has done extremely well and lost 40 pounds. I do love my bread and sweets so that is that is the hard part for me.
They say any diet will work as long as we follow through. I know for myself I need to work on portion control and eating out less.
Most of the diets I review basically have veggies and a protein for lunch and dinner. Maybe an egg and some yoghurt for breakfast. A handful of nuts or apple for snacks.
Monday already so I'm going try and see what I can do. I am so embarrassed I have hit my highest weight again. I know I can do better, I just have to make a commitment to it.
Well, it works in theory anyway. Good luck!
I am right there with all of you. I had lost 30 pounds but after my dad's stroke, I started to eat unchecked and put it all back. I know that I need to move more or eat less, but I like my comfort foods too much. Carbs seem to be my enemy. Like Cwillie I tried to put on my pants only to find they don't fit anymore.
Be gentle with yourself. Take baby steps. One day at a time. That's what I try to tell myself. I know its not easy but I'm trying to make it a goal to take care of my own health and for my vanity to get back into those pants!
Food has always been my crisis go-to and my happy go-to. The decline of my stepdad and mom sent that into overdrive.
Once the caregiving started, the only way I could participate in my home life like someone who actually lives there was to cancel my gym time and running time.
I couldn’t cancel my full-time+ job. Couldn’t cancel the hideous commute that goes with it. Couldn’t cancel being an only child while my parents became increasingly dependent on my assistance.
But I could cancel taking care of myself.
I didn’t gain a ton of weight. But I’m heavier than I was 5 years ago. For sure.
And SO out of shape. Went from excellent physical condition to soft and weak. Need to fix that — regarded of a number on the scale.
It’s all behind me now. No excuse for the inertia. But I have become super-selfish about “me time.” And I freely admit, a bit of it employs my knack for sitting slack-jawed as I stare into space.
Funny. The past several years have illustrated how important it is to have physical vigor. And how much life sucks when someone no longer has that.
At the same time, I cringe at the thought of resuming my old Forrest Gump routine. Did I really run half-marathons in my 40s? Was that me?? Oh yes it was.
How about flogging a machine at the gym? Something I once had a gift for. Meh.
Trying to find my way. And not eat too much!
After talking with Mom and using past conversations to provide a scale so as to determine her mental state, depression etc that my sister could give a flying rat's____ about; I become depressed, angry with my sister which then I start eating everything I have taken away from my diet.
It's bad enough that I went from size 4 to size 12 once I had to go on meds for fibromyalgia; every pound counts and makes me over joyed.
Your Mother has Sundowner's syndrome as does mine. My sister plays on this so as to convince the doctors she is doing the greatest caregiver in the world award.
People with dementia are able to cope, answer questions etc in the AM and after eating breakfast.
When you make the doctor appointments, make them for various times of the day. This way, what you're expressing to the Dr will be demonstrated. He/she should know this and instruct nurses to have her appointments staggered so as to evaluate.
Mom was in hospital entire month of December 2016. She could not do basic math equations, names of family members, president etc. The Psych Dr would not discharge until she was admitted to rehab facility.
My sister
1) refused to accept the diagnosis by the doctors regarding the reason for hospitalization
2) had brother fly in from out of town to help take away my Medical POA authority (fraudulently by State Law)
3) DEMANDED that all mental testing be done in AM immediately after breakfast
4) REASON: Mom's mental abilities are sharper in AM which was witnessed by 2-3 medical doctors, so as to show Mom had the understanding to sign the legal paperwork needed to replace my POA (mysteriously went missing along with the Will and other legal docs)
The issue about the "bugs". People with dementia as well as Alzheimer's become paranoid. It is very important that they take their meds as close to the same time everyday.
If your Mother attends Church, ask the ladies committee if they could provide a day or 2 during the week with someone your Mother knows so you can take your walks, go to the Y or just to get away.
Call A Place For Mom. They will provide a list of in-home CNA personnel to help YOU. Request that the same caregiver comes each time you set a schedule with. It may take a few visits while you're present so your Mother becomes comfortable with this person in her home.
Convince your Mom that you need to take a walk and you would really like her company and have a wheelchair for her. Tell her that this way, she gets out of the house, you will be able to converse about the change of weather, gossip about neighbors or that neighbors have asked about her so if they're outside you can stop to talk with them.
Do what YOU can to keep her from controlling YOUR life for the time you're there. It's not good for you.
I would also suggest, for your sake, find a therapist to talk with. I have been talking with 1 for almost 10 yrs now. Depression, my issues with what my siblings are trying to do and most of all now.....having to face the fact that I don't know how much longer I'll have Mom and the guilt of not being there for her.
I know you have a lot on your plate, but, I would just work on reading material, meditating, listening to music, and getting your head ready. (A physical with your doctor would be a good idea too, just to make sure you are healthy.) If you are ready mentally, it's much easier. You'll know when you're ready and don't let others bother you. Can you get help caring for your mother? I'd be careful to sacrifice your own health for her care.
I would try to keep clean and nutritious food in the house. If your choice for a snack is yogurt or almonds, then you'll have to make a good choice. If mom wants other types of food, like chips, candy, etc. keep them separate, labeled for her and out of sight.
I pick one day per week to have a treat meal or desert. I don't deprive myself. So, I don't need that much willpower. I eat foods that I love and enjoy everyday, so, I don't feel that I'm missing anything. (Weigh the portions and try to pick whole grains, lean protein, and lots of veggies.) I eyeball my calories now. I suppose it's like WW, but, I don't count points. It's slow going, but, my doctor said that was best. It's more sustainable and to me that's important. I wish you all the best. I know this can be so stressful to deal with.
Skinny Girl popcorn is pretty low in calories and carbs. There are also lots of new cauliflower dishes like rice and mashed with flavor, veggie tots, Diet Cranberry juice-low calorie and tasty. There are a lot of options now.
I lost 80 lbs 15 years ago doing low carb. I successfully maintained that loss until 2 years ago, when the caregiving/cancer/dementia circus rolled into town. I've put back on 25 lbs, and it's due to my lack of discipline with food and lack of time to exercise. Being home only 2.5 weeks a month is its own stressor and the time suck dealing with everyone has killed any motivation to exercise or prepare proper meals. This perimenopause stuff isn't helping.
I'm mostly back on plan for eating, and have lost 3 lbs, but I have to figure out a way to do better when I'm at my mother in law's or my father's place, and get exercise back into the picture. It helps with stress. The eating is hard at both parents' places, but I could make better choices. I could acknowledge the depression, as well.
I don't have any answer for myself or others, but I feel your struggle and I'm sending you good thoughts as you find a way to get back to taking care of you.
Best wishes...
My parents both have dementia but being around them makes my stomach hurt and sometimes I vomit after just a telephone call. I can’t sleep when I’m with them and from being forced to wait on them I’m in agony (severe back problems) so that moderates my weight. My dad’s the worst, he tries to run me and my daughter like sled dogs.
Yes, I live 160 miles away from them and it’ll stay that way. At home I take care of myself and concentrate on my wellbeing! My husband is a saint and we have a happy home!
Even being around her for a couple of hours, which is what it is most of the time as I taxi her around, causes a craving for junk food.
I wish you the best as this is a struggle.
Maybe we can be accountable to one another and challenge each other and get back on track. It is quite difficult and I do totally feel you woe. I have been really trying to get myself back in that area. (big hug)
Don't beat yourself up but don't let stress undo all your good work.