Anyone have a mother with early dementia who is not letting them see their other sick parent?

It sounds as if your mother is in the early stages of dementia or Alzheimer's, given the short-term memory problems she is having, the insane outbursts that are worsening, and her dramatic personality shifts; this, coupled with her health issues you mentioned, and the stress of caring for your father nonstop, may be making her dementia worse. It also may be a good idea to get POA for both of them, as it seems as if neither of them can care for the other anymore. A dementia patient who is already stressed and prone to outbursts, with underlying health problems, has a good chance of suddenly acting more violent out of the blue, one day, which may be harmful for your father. Have the home health aide document any observed abusive behavior by your mother towards your father, and even instruct her to call 911 if your mother acts violent. Any observation made by a home health aide may help to obtain a dementia diagnosis, even if she continues to pass her long term memory tests.

Do you get the same info from your Dad, that your Mom talks about you after you leave? If not, you may want to look at the caregiver. Not to judge or accuse, but normally they want family over caregivers. However there are situations where caregivers will turn the client against their family. So many caregivers get this funny territorial thing where they want to be the one that their client loves the most. I can't tell you how many caregivers would tell me that their client liked them the best and some would say even better than their family. And I feel some work to encourage that. I really got that impression with one in particular. I have seen that in the case where there are more than one caregivers, as well, where they compete for the live of their client.

I could very well be wrong, so you must test this if you have that suspicion.

As far as your Mom's changes, I believe that is her way of coping with what has happened to your Dad. I believe she is grieving the loss of who he was and may be feeling quite insecure now that her pillar is vulnerable.

Please see the other posts about dementia and how to change your own behaviors (we cant change theirs). It makes a huge difference. Your parents need both your love more than ever even if they dont show it. I remember a little nephew telling me he didnt love me anymore. Not because he didnt, but because he was upset I was leaving to go to work. I see a parallel there with your Mom lashing out.

Finally your Dad & Mom are both in danger unless someone is there 24/7 who is qualified to handle these huge issues. Seems like you need a village there regularly, and a well coordinated effort so that all the caregiving is on the same page :)

Worst case scenario, you could call adult protective services to come evaluate. They might suggest to your parents that they either need more assistance (you and your sister) or should move somewhere where they can be more safe.

Hope this helped some. I feel for you and wish the best. Bless you for being so loving. Just keep giving it your best, your loving effort, and you won't regret it. Bless you!

Baubo0712: Your mother requires residence in a managed care facility, perhaps memory care. This needs to happen immediately as your father is at risk of bodily injury; a spouse who's "thrown things at their (husband)" is no longer in control of their mental functionality.

If your mother has issue with dementia, you need to intervene immediately to make legal arrangements to care for your father / other parent.

This situation cannot continue.
Document everything in a journal (date, time, situation). Record keeping is important - good for legal and MD provider needs.

If you do not know how to proceed, contact Elder Abuse Services (I forget what its officially called) (Oh its called Adult Protective Services) with the county/state. And, see an attorney specializing in elder care.

This situation will only get worse and it won't be good for anyone. In fact, it sounds like an ALARM now. Good for you writing us here.

Gena / Touch Matters

Seems like time for your parents to move to a residential facility. Dad might benefit from rehab to help him recover use of his hand(s) and arm(s). Mom will definitely benefit from a memory care type program. Look for a place that can accommodate them both in their separate areas, but will allow them to "visit" each other frequently. Then, you will be able to visit your father as often as he - and the family - wishes.

Please start videoing both of your parents and then call Adult Protective Services (APS) to evaluate them for placement after that contact an Elder Law Attorney to draw up appropriate paper work to retire your mom from any power she has been given (I'm not even sure it's legal to designate a mentally ill person in any position of power; and learn how your parents can finance their care.

Spousal Abuse reportable to APS: "Twice she's thrown things at my father who can't move his hands or get away. She's also been verbally abusive."

You and your sister could learn a lot from meeting with a Geriatric Psychiatrist together.

This won’t get better. I’m in the spiral with both parents too. You may get a good day or week or even couple of weeks … but it will not improve.

Mom can’t be in charge anymore. Period. She’s not going to like it, but so what? Do you and your sister like how it is now? Dad is not safe with her. She’s not able to properly care for herself … much less him. She’s a stomach flu away from disaster for them both.

Find a place they can live together where meals are cooked by somebody else and care is 3 minutes away.

I don’t think you’ll have to wait long for mom to end up in the hospital for something or other. Choose the place now. It takes a long time to get through all the paperwork and such. Then when the inevitable happens - you have a plan.

Dad knows she’s losing her mind / acting crazy? Then he knows this can’t continue either.

I don't normally offer medication, but in this case for a start and because we had such great results for my Mom (who was similar in her dementia) I would suggest cannabis edibles. We did chocolate since my Mom couldn't resist chocolate. CBD only, so the relaxing ones and not the ones that get you floating. I was against this initially, not a user myself. You have to get a good one so they are consistent. Many you buy seems like they will have a lot in one, none in the next 3, etc. Dark chocolate Bon Bombs were best. They are big so only 1/2 at a time.

Baby chamomile pills help a lot too.

You will need to rethink all behaviors and caregivers as well. I will send more on that.

My husband and I took care of my mother for 7 years before she passed, she was in middle then late stage of alzheimer's. I suggest finding support groups for caregivers of an aging loved one. I learned how to speak to my mother to help minimizing outbreaks. But foremost, understanding that her brain isn't working correctly helped my anxiety. Your mother is having a hard time, she is not trying to give you a hard time. You may want to have her checked for a UTI, which dramatically affects behavior. You may want to get a second opinion from a neurologist. It's common for alzheimer patients to have good long term memory and poor short term memory. It makes no sense that she isn't diagnosed for this reason.
Please don't take her frustration personally. It's not her fault.
This is a grieving process for you, your dad and sister. You are slowly losing your mother to this horrible disease. Get help for yourself so that you can handle this difficult situation in the healthiest way.

After reading the excellent responses, I suggest ALL look up details of: "Lewd Body". This MUST be incorporated into the following discussions. I am a retired ancient organic scientist with my ex in a hospice and a sister who passed last summer & more family members without mental ability or even hope. Regretfully with much personal frustration, I do NOT have "the answer" or a solution for the loss of mental ability or related physical control. Accept reality that the persons of interest are NO longer the person you knew in the past. They need active support, some control with safety & applicable medicines.
There is limited effects of the few applicable medicines, so keep your optimism to a minimum given the effects are NOT cures but rather delaying activity for ALL the afflicted patients. NEVER in my long career have I ever seen a condition with so few real answers or even options. Makes me want to return to the lab which is just as an unrealistic activity as a "patient cure" under our present level of scientific understanding. Regrets and more.

When your dad was in the hospital you said your mother was fine with you. Now she is taking care of your dad and I assume the household. She may be tired and frustrated both physically and emotionally. Its exhausting to take care of someone full time. After 12 years of taking care of my husband due to strokes at age 58, I had to finally put him in a memory care facility. I was both physically and emotionally exhausted. I would try to get her to her Dr for an evaluation. You didn’t say how old your parents were but I can attest that at the age of 55 when I started taking care of my husband, working full-time, taking care of the household and having someone come in and check on him was a lot for me to do and I was only 55 years old. Your life suddenly gets completely turned around and there’s a role reversal in your marriage. Tough to handle. I hope things work out for you and your family.

Baubo, I am not trying to be discouraging but, how will your dad use a walker without the use of his hands?

I hope not! But thank you. My dad is brilliant, his faculties are intact. Nothing wrong with his brain just his body. He has a iPhone with him at all times and he can call (through voice activation) any time for help.

I just want to thank everyone for their insightful answers to this post. I really appreciate the kindness and thoughtfulness. We were there all day today and she was wonderful, but sick. She works very hard even though she has her own health problems. I would live with them if I could. But my sister and I will be there every day this week and "dropping in" so they never know when someone might show up.

Throwing things at your dad is a physical assault. She could kill him next time. It must not happen again, but it will if you don’t get her to a place where she’ll be safe and he will too. What either of them wants is no longer important. Their safety is, so do what you should do.

Given that there is money to finance home health, with an RN to oversee the CNA, one would suppose that your parents' financial situation would pay for both of them to be in care, in an AL or other type of facility that would allow them to remain together but would place layers of protection over your dad and prevent further abuse by your mom. They'll need 24/7 care at some point and with abuse, that time is now.

With advancing dementia, mom cannot be allowed to remain in control, her brain is broken and there is no reasoning with an elderly dementia sufferer. Your dear dad needs to be rescued but in a manner that saves mom's dignity, for his sake and for hers.

No idea what the situation is with POA or any of that, but you and sis may need to obtain something along the lines of an emergency, temporary (or permanent) guardianship in order to intervene and with any abuse in their home, a judge will easily grant this. You can do this through the court via the state court website self help center where all of the required papers and instructions are found.

An attorney for a temp guardianship may cost upwards of 20k or more so, another option is to call APS and report the situation and they may take this to court for same - allow the county to navigate the court and many of the costs are waived and not a drain on your parents' assets.

You need to act swiftly as this is getting worse, to the point of being an emergency. You're in the slow spiral and with the gradual changes, you're not seeing it as the emergent situation that your post conveys it to be, to someone looking at this from the outside.

I wish you and your sis all the best in doing what is needed for your beloved parents.

You need to find a way of getting Mom to her PCP giving him a list of everything that has been going on. She need full labs done to see if there is anything physical going on. An MRI to see if there is any signs of Dementia or a stroke. If Dementia or a stroke is found, then I would see a Neurologist.

Your parents may not be able to live on their own anymore. And its not fair to Dad, now he can't defend himself, to deal with Mom. If she again throws something at Dad or strikes him, the aide needs to call you and you call 911. Be there when the police arrive and demand 72 hr evaluation, I think its called the Baker Act. And this should also happen if Mom hits the aide. This way Mom will be forced to get help. I would also tell the doctors seeing her, that if she needs 24/7 care she will need to be placed in an AL or LTC. That your father cannot care for her and you can't care for both of them.

I'm with Isthisrealyreal. Keep showing up at the folks house with a smile on your face to check up on dad, mostly, and to make your presence known. And to let everyone know you're not going ANYWHERE. Period. Mom can stand on her head on the roof, and still you'll come by. Let the aide know there's NO REASON for her to keep telling you the ugly things mom says. Mom has dementia.... it's she unaware of how dementia works or what it looks like?

Don't let your emotions take over here. Realize mom isn't mom anymore and YOU are the voice of reason now. She needs to see her doctor for meds to calm her down if things keep going south. Ideally they'd both be in Assisted living together where help was at their disposal 24/7. That may ultimately be forced upon them if something happens where one of them gets hurt and the hospital refuses to release them back home to live alone.

I suggest you read this 33 page booklet which has the best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2

Here is a list of useful tips from her e-book I found to be excellent:

The “Dont's”
· Do not reason and argue
· Do not demand that they reason or problem-solve
· Do not demand that they remember
· Do not demand that they get their facts straight
· Do not correct their ideas or scold them
· Do not reorient them
· Do not think that they are being uncooperative on purpose
· Do not think that they really do remember, but are pretending not to
· Do not use a “bossy” dictatorial attitude in care
· Do not act with impatience

The Do's
· Enter into their frame of reality, or their 'world'
· Be aware of their mood or state of mind
· Use few words and simple phrases
· OR use no words, just friendly gestures and simple motions
· Do everything slowly
· Approach from the front
· Wait for a slow response
· Constantly reassure them that everything is 'OK'
· Keep people with dementia comfortable 'in the moment' - every moment
· Maximize use of remaining abilities
· Limit TV or radio programs which they may feel are frighteningly real
· Maintain privacy
· Provide a safe physical environment

Language Needs
· Use short words
· Use clear and simple sentences
· Speak slowly and calmly
· Questions should ask for a “yes” or “no” answer
· Talk about one thing at a time
· Talk about concrete things; not abstract ideas
· Use common phrases
· Always say what you are doing
· If they repeat their question, repeat your answer as you did the first time · Give them a longer time to process information
· Wait patiently for a response
· Be accepting of inappropriate answers and nonsense words
· Speak softly, soothingly and gently

Best of luck to you.

When my dad got very sick and in hospice my mom was in charge and it was a total nightmare. She was just starting her dementia journey, had all the energy in the world, and kept undoing all the healthcare help that had been put in place . Because she wanted to be in charge of everything, her way…no matter how poorly that worked for others.

I know one isn’t supposed to agitate the dementia person , but when dad started rationing pain meds because she kept spacing the prescription refills ( or pick your snafu there were many ) I did what you’re not supposed to do and marched her around the house and INSISTED we get that prescription paperwork found. It was not fun but he got those meds filled. This is just one example.

Basically once mom’s behavior caused dad more physical pain and harm I found it necessary to be a total hard-a** and prioritize Dad’s hospice over mom wanting things her way. She was not happy but her wishes to feel good for herself couldn’t steamroll over Dad’s pain management. I had to out-stubborn the most stubborn person imaginable.

Sometimes one has to pick who needs the help most and the chips have to fall with the other person. It’s really a lousy situation. In the end mom ‘won’ and Dad had to go to hospice in a hospital because she kept meddling in the home care. But I don’t regret getting Dad’s meds come heck or high water . Fyi I also just barged into the house whenever, but they were used to that from me!

I don’t know enough about APS but that could be an option. Another complication was Dad also never wanted to upset mom so they were enmeshed that way. So much suffering just to placate one person! I’m here to say it’s okay to take the bull by the horns in emergency cases.


You’re in a really stressful situation so I’m sending huge hugs and best possible outcome wishes for you and your family

PS Edit; I wasn’t mean to my mom but I realllllly had to put my foot down & hold the line so to speak. Repeatedly . We are still on good terms

Baubo, I would not stop visiting. I would stop doing things that agitate your mom.

When you have an aide that is telling you she doesn't want you here and they fight because of you...it is a perfect opportunity for that aid to isolate and exploit your vulnerable parents. Not saying that is what is going on but, I wouldn't give that opportunity myself.

You and sister can show up at random times, random days, multiple times a day and bring something you know your mom will enjoy and be a presence and encouragement for your dad.

Touching her stuff, helping out around the house is optional, being present is not.

Dementia is a terrible disease to deal with and often there is no figuring it out. Just loving them, being present as an advocate and ensuring their safety is about the best that can be hoped for.

Watch some Teepa Snow videos on YouTube to gain some insight on how and what you are dealing with. Might not improve the situation with mom but, you guys will be empowered by the knowledge.

Best of luck and prayers for all of you.

As already suggested, call Adult Protective Services and explain to them what you have to us. They will send someone out to investigate.
And just keep going to their home as your father needs you now more than ever. Don't worry about what your mother says about it after the fact or even while you're there, as her brain is now broken and will only get worse.
I also love the idea of putting cameras around the house. Blink sells some fairly inexpensive ones that have two way talk, so you can hear what's going on along with them hearing you if you talk. Because as the saying goes...a picture says a thousand words, and that way you'll have proof of exactly what is going on.

I am following this one. I certainly identify with this: "My mother has a reputation in the community for being sweet, funny, loving and charming, although I have seen other sides of her my whole life. It seems she only reserves her outbursts for certain people--those she think won't leave her."

I am constantly told by members of the community how great my mom is and that's left me thinking I'm nuts because that's not my experience.

I have also been told on this board to install cameras in my parents house but I feel like that's such an invasion of their privacy. Then again, I'm deeply concerned about my dad's emotional and mental well being (and frankly, hers too).

Your Mom may have an undiagnosed medical problem, like a UTI, or aftereffects from a TIA/stroke. I agree that if she's being abusive towards your Dad, she can be reported but if your Dad covers for her there is little else you can do. If you aren't your Mom's PoA then guardianship is the option -- either by your family or by the county.

If she's thrown things at your father, the aide needs to call 911. Call Adult Protective Services TODAY.

This might be a case where you or a sibling may have to obtain temporary Guardianship.
If your dad is not safe that might be the only option.
Safety is not just physical safety it is mental, emotional safety as well.
Has mom gotten an "official" diagnosis of dementia?
Is anyone POA for either of your parents?
Can you set up cameras to monitor what happens when the caregiver/home health aide is not there?
If you do not want to go the Guardian route just yet reporting possible abuse to APS might get another "neutral" party in to assess the situation.