My 90-year-old mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 2 years ago. I am the only child, so when I leave town I would arrange for respite stay for her at a nice nursing home. She is an intelligent, physical fit person. I have managed to keep her in her own home by spending a lot of time with her and hiring a retired nurse who comes in 3 hours once a week. But it has been exhausting and often times there have been arguments between us. For the last year she had been gradually going down hill.
This recent respite stay the nursing home reported that she began to wander. They placed her on 30 minute watch, and then an ankle monitor which she has removed twice. The NH said she needed to go to a memory unit because they can't manage her wandering safely. The unit which they are associated with doesn't have availability, so the solution was for me to hire 1 to 1 care 12 hours a day from an outside agency. I have done as they have asked.
This has occurred in the last week and I keep having such range of feelings about this. If feel relief because I am not doing this alone, but I have huge guilt because I am second guessing if this is the right decision. I scheduled a separate appointment with her GP, but he wouldn't advise as what to do. His view is that her problem is something which he can't medicate, so it's not his problem. My mom doesn't know that I am back in town because she will want to go home. I have called her and she asks me when I am going to be home. I was willing to have her stay at the NH because she has made friends and has a better social life than I alone can provide. But I am concerned that having her in a memory unit will sacrifice her safety over the socialization and comradity she has made at the NH. I am very conflicted about doing the right thing for me mom. Any insight would be very appreciated.
In my experience, the folks in the one memory care unit my mother was in briefly were, overall, higher functioning than the folks who are currently on her non-dementia unit at a nearby NH.
Have you toured the memory care unit? Have you been to others nearby? If your mom still has the brain cells to socialize, she will find opportunities to socialize wherever she is, I think.
I would resort to therapeutic fibbing (the doctor says you need to stay here until you get stronger; I need some time to recover from my own recent illness; something like that) to get her over the hump of what will most likely become a permanent placement.
I know that when I toured facilities, I visited a Secure Memory Care facility that was very upscale. It actually resembled a spa resort. While touring I saw a group of ladies in the social room, playing cards. All were dressed nicely, wearing jewelry, nice hairstyles. and they were chatting as you would expect to see at any regular senior center. I suspected that they were there due to wandering and perhaps had pretty good skills otherwise. Most of the Nursing homes that I visit, have very sick residents who are bed bound, so, it's really something I'd just explore. Of course, the condition of the residents will progress.
You are making decisions for her best interest and whatever you chose will be the right decision, imo. I'd feel guilt if I left her free to wander, but, protecting her is the right course. I'd try to move forward with that belief.
I will say that, when I moved my LO from a regular AL to a Secure Memory Care, she seemed to finally relax. I sensed that she felt safe and at home there. I think she sensed that she was with other people who had dementia and that the staff was able to care for her properly. She needed more can than a regular AL.
I might discuss the progression of the dementia with her doctor, so you will know what to expect as she progresses. That would be a factor to consider as well as the costs associated with having a one on one sitter. I would imagine that would be rather expensive.
I remember someone saying that placing their 90 something mom in memory care was the wrong decision simply because she could still talk and the other residents couldn't
Please tour facilities and ask to go in the evening hours after dinner as well
They are not at all what they are like on a Saturday afternoon
Your mom sounds a little like mine. My mom is 93 with Alzheimer's. She lived with me for 2 years (she thought she was just visiting). During that time she went to an adult day center that specialized in dementia and she loved it. They kept her engaged and entertained. She moved in to a locked memory care unit this past August. That was extremely difficult because she was happy at the day center, the socialization was good for her and she believed she was going to work every day. The move to memory care was a big adjustment. I moved her because an opening came up at the facility I liked and I took it.
Things to consider - tour several facilities - they are all different. Each Sunrise I toured was different. Some places looked like a nursing home and some looked trendy. Know what her finances are. Is your mom considered high functioning? If the NH recommends a locked memory care unit - than that is probably what she needs. Dementia is a progress disease and she will get worse. You don't want to place her in an AL or NH facility and then have to move her again because they can't handle her when the disease progresses. She really needs to be in a dementia specialized facility.
Think about what your mom likes. I wanted a place that had activities, that looked more modern, had outside gardens, a place to get her hair done, and that provided end of life care. When I first placed her, I was sad because many of the people were worse off than her and she didn't have the socialization she did at day care. That has changed over time and higher functioning memory care residents can participate in functions on the assisted living side. I really am happy with the facility where she lives.
There is no perfect scenario here. You can only do the best you can and work with the finances you have. Wandering was starting to become a problem for my mom too. When she gets upset, she wants to to live with her parents. There is help out there, A Place for Mom was very helpful to me. Good luck.
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