My mother is living in a nursing home. She is treating everyone poorly, arguing and throwing temper tantrums, and refusing care. I am doing the best I can with this behavior, but I'm finding it harder and harder to cope. Any suggestions?
My mother has severe COPD, a Stage IV pressure ulcer, CHF, and depression (for which she will not take any meds). She is a retired RN (former assistant charge nurse at a nursing home) is in a nursing home which she hates (although the care she is receiving there is the best of any she has been in recently) and has recently thrown a temper tantrum (kicking, screaming, hitting the bed) when she found out she could not change to a different facility because they lacked the ability to care for her wound. This is because no one at that facility has any training using a wound vac. I visit every other day, do her laundry and do my best to listen to her. She is making very poor health decisions (refusing treatment and refusing drugs) but her doctor informed me that getting HCPOA invoked will be difficult at best since she is still cognizant of her surroundings. Just last night she accused us of all being in a coalition against her. I only want what is best for her and her own doctor told her it is best that she stay in the nursing home she is in as family is close. She refuses to listen to reason and only keeps saying "no one listens to me, no one cares about me, etc." My sister tries her best to help and be there when I need to vent (she lives 2 hours away). I also work full-time. My job requires a 45 minute commute (one way) each day. I am becoming more and more stressed each day and even broke down in tears yesterday. I know she is afraid and in pain and I have told her I understand all those things, but I am doing the best I can and only want what is best for her. She tells everyone she wants me to stop running her life but yet I don't come to visit often enough. I am doing the best I can but am finding it harder and harder to cope. Any suggestions?
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IT is apparent that you cannot make your mom happy. She is angry at her present situation and her present health. SHe is taking it out on those she knows will not reject her- this is so common. You are the one that is most loyal and tolerable of her behaviors, so you are the object of her negativity and anger.
You need to learn not to take anything your mom says personally. Easier said than done. But, she is just angry and you are her safest target.
Since your mom is in her "right" mind and is able to make decisions for herself, you can do nothing but sit back and support her the best way you know how.
The next thing you need to do is to take yourself. She is in a home and receiving good care. She is able to voice her opinion and displeasure. She has a right to refuse meds and treatment.
Hopefully the facilty will refer her to a psychiatrist that will give her some meds that she will willing take to calm her down. Otherwise the facilty needs to find her anther home that will take her that does handle wound vacs.
You do not deserve the abuse from your mom and if it having such a negative affect on you, then make more visits by phone and less in person to decrease your stress. On go to visit in person when you feel as if you can handle it. Visiting her and putting up with her bad behavior is rewarding her.
Diane
There is such a thing as "situational dementia" and unless your mom has always been unreasonable....this may now be the case.
I find it odd that she has been involved with nursing homes in her line of work & now is so intollerant of them. I can only imagine that she is afraid she will reap what she has sown, but if that's not the case then you will need a deeper evaluation. I would insist that the doctor be of more help to you if he wants to keep her as a patient and a cooperative one. If he wants her to stay then he wants the money!
You can attend the meeting the NH has that plans the course of action for your mom (care planning meeting). They also have family groups "family council" to discuss care.
I wish you the best.
After sweet talking, hard talking and even saying Dad if you don't stop you could end up in a State Home! Even that didn't stop his insistance that he may as well be in one anyway. Our family loved the 1st NH he was in, the staff the care, and the 6 min drive. Dad on the other hand refused everything they tried to do for him.
Dad was ultimately was placed at another NH this time under Hospice Care. I even told him that I could not come see him act and talk like he had been doing ( he had a stroke but he played us pretty good too!) my visits came once a week instead of every other day.
He would still try to say they weren't doing anything for him, he may as well be home, but I would put it right back on him saying be careful what you ask for, you told everybody to leave you alone! So now, that's what they are doing, just enough to keep you clean, feed, medicated and comfortable...WHEN YOU LET THEM!
Now visits are much more easy to do, he's appreciative of my visits, talks nice about the staff and the care
I guess it's true that the sick or disabled tend to take out their anger on the ones closest to them. You will have to find and use your survival skills to protect your physical and mental well being.
If your gut feeling tells you that your Mom is getting the help and care that she needs, you'll have to learn to let go, she'll come around.
Take care of yourself and I wish you well.