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My mother who had routine cataract eye surgery, a better nine years ago, tragically lost her eyesight. I was, for a lack of better terms, butchered.
Since that time, she has lost her independence such as driving, walking safely, cooking, etc. She has become depressed and dependent. My Mom is 80 years old. I am the youngest of three. My oldest sister who was good for MAYBE three calls on the phone a year (who lived 14 minutes away from my parents). The Middle sibling, who loved Heroin more than raising her sons, left and ran off with a crumb bum 12 years ago. Popping in and out, door knocking on the front door of my parents, calling at 4 am in the morning in her psychosis, showing up in unannounced, etc. This has taken a toll on both my parents. I was (for 14 years) my mother “gate keeper“ playing the role to my mother as husband, care giver, therapist, taxi driver, life coach, hair dresser, mentor. I have been conditioned to be that person long time ago when I was a very small girl. Since my mother’s lost eyesight (left eye) she has grown more dependent. More insecure. My kids went to the neighboring school so my parents’ home has always been “home base“ for every national holiday, every weekend and just about every day was at my parents.


My mom would come to my house for sleepovers, “coffee talk “, we would fold clothes, etc. I would make her breakfast, lunch, and dinner. After a day or two sometimes three, she would make her way back home. After dropping her off we would still be on the phone at least two to three more times.


Yes co - dependency at its best! My mother has had two eventful falls in one years’ time. Which required surgeries, hospital stays, then rehab at home with me renting equipment (her cost), taking a leave from work, and sleeping at her home away from my husband to nurse her back. I also organized PT, OT, grooming, bathing, food prep, shopping, and cleanup.


Malingering with a long 7-year lawsuit due to the malpractice done to her eye and loss of vision. That 7 years required being the middleman between mom, Drs and the attorneys’ emails communications and meetings when needed. Then translating this to my mother all that it in detailed. This went on for 7 years. As of result I had to Step away from my position at a school i worked for beings the four failed corneal transplants and other surgical procedures and specialist appointments I needed to be present for and to also transport for. By the way, my father is living AND lives in the home with mom. He has always taken a back seat. All to open the “check book “when needed for her. That’s it - I am a mother of two children. A wife. And now running a small practice of my own.


may present over this past 14 months. The “black sheep“ the daughter who has abused drugs , abandoned her teenaged children along her self-involved stupor, has groomed her way back into my mother’s home . In the past 12 months upon the passing of my mother in law, my mother further cognitively declining has now been given the cool aid that her poor drug addicted - master manipulating lost daughter was being kept, bullied , pumped and forced to do drive ( LIES)


she has verbally assaulted me attempted physical assaulted me. Was getting high and carrying on the first six months of her invited stay at my parents, had the local PR take her out of the home. We cleaned house. Then 3 1/2 weeks later, faked an injury and got herself back into the home. Took down every picture of my family in the home. Changed the outgoing voicemail to her voice in the home. Hovers over my mom like a wild dog protecting its newborn baby from a predator. Lies. She has isolated and intimidated both my parents to the point my mother has stopped calling me and will not go out in the car with me. She has handed over all her care to this beast


My mother turned against me. I am their POA. Help! My heart is gutted.

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I feel your pain. I’m so sorry that you are going through this nightmare.

I was in your shoes. My brother was an addict (now deceased) and caused our family so much grief.

I was the ‘reliable’ child who cared for my parents. My mother required lots of care too.

Our parents do go through anxiety and depression when their world is turned upside down. Our lives become consumed by their needs. It’s hard on them and hard on us.

I ended up in therapy because my anxiety level reached an all time high. I became depressed as well. Have you spoken to a therapist about your feelings? It does help.

Do you wish to remain as their POA and their caregiver. Could they move into an assisted living facility?

What would you like to see happen?

Wishing you and your family all the best.
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I think you need an elder law attorney. You are POA and need to protect your Mother and any assets she may have.

put hurt feelings aside, she sounds a bit unbalanced so don't take this personally.
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Mom may need a new home (facility) due to decline.
Next time she goes to E.R. do not let her come back to your home allow her to go to a facility. Tell them it is not safe at your home, you are not there to supervise her.

Sibling needs to be out - not easy had to do it myself - I threatened Sheriff Department - he was gone within a week.
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All I can say is watch out for your sister! You have POA now but if your sibling has turned your mom against you she can & will get the changed
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KNance72 Jul 2023
Thats what mystery sister did Its all about control , Manipulation and a false sense of Power .
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Idk. It kinda sounds like they did you a favor. Hurry and take a family vacation while you can. That house of cards will fall down soon enough.
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I Can Identify - Do you have a social worker to help you ? What is wrong with Your Father ? My sister Kidnapped My Father from Boston to California from His Home he Has Lived in for 35 years . He Has Dementia and can't use a phone since quarantine . My sister wanted Money and said " she was broke " and then Made up stories to everyone about me . I have only talked to my dad twice for a minute and he says " he wants to come home " This is elder abuse But is far I have gotten No help from elder protective services or the Police . Already spent $10,000 on a Lawyer and another $5000 for court . All You Can do is make her Physician aware of the situation and find a Lawyer . My sister and her Husband Blew the inheritance they got from the Mother in Law $3 Million in 3 years and Now they want his Money to support their Lifestyle . I dont Know what to tell you .
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Jada824 Jul 2023
These situations are becoming more & more common or they’re finally coming out in the open.

Elderly affairs does nothing to help & neither does the police. Laws must change to hold these types of people accountable!

It’s all about control, manipulation & greed
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You do Have some Options : Contact elder services express your concerns . Ask the Physician to send in a VNA Nurse to check in On them once a week and also a CNA for Bathing and Light housekeeping . Get on her Bank account . Find a lawyer who deals with elder abuse and get Guardianship / Conservatorship . Go to Court . Make sure you are her healthcare Proxy and POA . If you are afraid of her then they are afraid of her. I figured out My sister is a Sociopath / Narcissist . There is a Guy That Has strategies for dealing with such people on Instagram Shadow DeAngelis . Her Husband is a drug addict so I Have 2 Nut cases I am dealing with . Look up elder abuse and call the Court for the bar association or go to the Senior center and ask them where you can Go for help . Lawyers deal with this all the time . You're Lucky you are On the same territory fight back it will be worth it .
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Jada824 Jul 2023
Elder services does absolutely nothing if the elder says they are fine even if they have dementia,

Two CNAS contacted elder affairs to tell them my mom was being abused by her live in caregiver & they did nothing.

Their solution was that the live in caregiver couldn’t be there when the CNAS were there. So there’s still abuse but no one to report it
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Call the police. Your sister is abusing your parents. Get her out of their home and impose a restraining order on her. Then, help your parents into a nice facility where you can visit them and others can do the heavy lifting of caregiving since you are working.
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My response is get out & save your own life! Yes, make arrangements first; let your sisters know what they can be responsible for (IF possible), figure out what you can & will do, and get both parents into a facility. No one should have to live the way you are. <Do whatever you must to ease your load at least somewhat!> And I think it’s urgent!
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So sorry.
Confer with an Elder Law Attorney ASAP , for your and your parents help. This is very complex and will require professional support and guidance from both Elder Law, Social Services, other counseling ( faith based and/ or secular).

You can also at anytime make a call
( anonymously if you like) to APS ( Adult Protective Services) and report the status in the parents house. APS will make a visit and assess.

Since you identify yourself as the POA, be sure that all appropriate documents attesting to this are in place with you.

You will do yourself a favor if you will contact an Elder Law Attorney and at least have an initial consult meeting.
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P.S. addendum to my first reply. Contact parents PCP, primary care physician, and also make them aware of the situation. They may refer you to appropriate social services also.
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If you are legally the POA of both your parents then start acting like one !
Read the legal document and WHEN your POA duties became effectual.
Get legal council as what your duties are.

If both your parents live independently in their own home and invited your sister
there is not much you can do about it,
It usually is all about The Almighty $$$$$$
Good luck
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SunnySideUP22: Retain an elder law attorney.
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1. Perhaps you can’t see what we all see; that what’s going on is dysfunction and insanity. My advice is stop. Just walk away. No amount of; power play between you and your sister, inheritance or codependence should keep you involved.

2. You know you need to choose yourself … your husband…. And your children over this clearly manipulative dysfunctional mother and sister.

3. You having POA means nothing ~ POA is given by an individual and can be revoked by the individual who gave it to you at anytime. Only court appointed conservatorship (control over financial decisions) & guardianship (control over care) wields any authority. Only a judge can appoint and revoke this responsibility.

4. If you insist on staying involved- (which I Dont recommend) get an attorney, have them petition the court for guardianship and conservatorship. You will have to prove your mother is incapable of her own management of her affairs - your mother may scream how she wants your sister instead of you… but the court does a complete background investigation on all parties and with your sister’s history the court will never grant her guardianship/conservatorship ~

5. If you cant prove your mother is incompetent ~ then take that as her own desire to engage in this manipulative dysfunction with your sister and remember that is HER CHOICE ~

6. Winning 1st place here over your sister should not be your goal. Your health, your family should be your goal and deep down your aught to know this. Your sister is here! Yay! Give her the reins and enjoy your freedom. At the very least use this time to strengthen yourself and your family for the inevitable fall of your mother and sisters ‘relationship’ for there will probably be a time when their honeymoon period is over.
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verystressedout Jul 2023
Very wise.
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I agree with everyone here. Since your mom is fighting you tooth and nail and your crazy sister has moved into their household, step away from it. There is no sense in making your life and your husband's and children's lives miserable with this nonsense. You've already given up a job once for them to take care of people who apparently didn't make choices about their aging years.

You are not responsible for people who refuse help, and to continue to put yourself in harms way will not only be hurting yourself but your family (husband and children). They need you more than these declining people do. I know some people have this idea that they will finally get the approval from their narcissistic elderly parents by sacrificing all for them. Trust me, you won't. BTDT

My opinion: Leave your immediate family alone. The POA means absolutely nothing in this case. People will use who they can use and respect those who they can't use. In this case, there is no respect. Without respect, there is no relationship. What I learned if a client is fighting me tooth and nail, disregarding their care plan, I can't help them. What people fail to realize is that care plans are legal documents. I learned this tidbit of advice this year.
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