Advice? My boyfriend of 5 years is having his mother move in.

It's ironic that so many people seem to take on caregiving for a loved one, when they don't know much about the person's condition or needs. And when they are not the person doing the caregiving. It's sad that your boyfriend didn't learn much about what he was taking on and that he didn't honor your thoughts on it. I think that I would insist on getting all of her medical records in order to find out what you are dealing with. I know you say his mom suffers with paranoia and schizophrenia. Is your boyfriend her Durable Power of Attorney or appointed guardian? If not, how will he exercise any control over her if she becomes noncompliant or unmanageable?

Handling a relatively young person who is disabled with mental illness is not a casual thing, especially, if she suffers from delusions or hallucinations or resist medication. I'd ensure my children's safety above all else. It seems off that your boyfriend won't consider this. I would think that this type of undertaking would be done with full disclosure, planning, preparation and the assistance of professionals.

Who owns the house you live in with your boyfriend? While I understand that your options might be limited if he owns the house, I'd have to better understand the situation before I would feel comfortable caregiving his mother full time, plus, caring for my own 3 children. It sound unrealistic to me. Since you also have issues with OCD, I think I would consult with a mental health professional.

You are living together and have children together, where I come from that makes him your common law spouse. I'm not usually into giving ultimatums, but in this case I think it is fair to say "either her or me". The fact that he would do this to you in the first place doesn't make me hopeful he will choose to put you and his children first, and that says in all.

He has power of attorney & the courts are in the process of changing over guardianship as well as fudiciary to him from his deceased grandmother. His mom did raise him and was married to his step father from the time he was 5. They got divorced when he went off to college at her request not his Dads. He is fully aware of his mothers health care needs and her mental state (i am not, in the past 5 years i have spoke to his grandmother about his mom & she and my boyfriends father assured me she is no danger to the children or those around her). She is not a danger to others, she in incompetent & from my understanding the VA labled her as schizophrenic (its more along the lines of PTSD, she cant make fiancial decisions on her own and she spends her money like a 15 year old with no parents) She has never harmed anyone, she has in the past refused medication and was blue papered to the VA to get re adjusted on her meds before. But She has willingly stayed on her medication during the time her mother was diagnosed with cancer until her death. Her last blue paper to the VA was over 2 years ago. When we went up north to say our goodbyes to his grandmother & to start the legal process for his mom we found out his family was purposefully withholding some of her medications from her in hopes of getting her blue papered and admitted to the VA for an immediate custody change to her sisters (whom are known for stealing money when family members are sick.) The whole situation is mudded up. He owns the house and pays majority of the bills as he is a career man and i work part time just to give me something to do when the kids are in school. (Our special needs 3 yo goes full time) and it gives me spending money of my own. I did tell him i was not quitting my job to take care of his mom and he told me thats fine as she will be ok at our home while we are all gone.

H3KIDS, you might want to read this thread, it is similar except the young lady is wondering if she should move in with him while he is taking care of his mother. https://www.agingcare.com/questions/move-in-with-boyfriend-and-mother-207770.htm

I should have probably stated i knew when we got pregnant that his mom one day would live on our property. Was having high hopes we would have moved before his grandmother passed. We were supose to have a home for his mom on the property upon moving but NOT actually at our house! I also had hopes since she successfully raised my boyfriend with her then husband that he living with (near) us would not become an issues for my kids safety. If that makes any sense.

It is just a start, but hurry, pack up anything that you don't want or won't fit in her room. Call movers to take it to a storage unit, boyfriend will pay, but do't ask, advance the money to open it. Looks like some people can be swayed no by compassion, instead by an inheritance.

Then, you can start looking for a place of your own that can be a peaceful respite for you and special needs child, and your other children. Don't doubt your need for this. It is not unusual.

Then, you might want to consider learning to avoid dysfunctional relationships-perhaps a support group.

So it's HIS mom, and you get to take her to weekly Dr, and do all the other stuff you already do,, while you will be dealing with her wanting HER stuff to be placed all over YOUR house, ( and she will want her stuff to be prominant and used). No wonder he thinks it will "all work out".. he's not planning any changes to his routine from the sounds of it. Oh yes, and you are both private.. kiss that goodbye. It sounds like she will be underfoot 24 x 7. I really am not trying to sound mean,, but read around on this site, and get ready for some big changes. My prayers are with you all.. and keep that job sista!

If mom is incompetent, I'm not sure how he got POA, since she would not be competent to give it. And for the courts to appoint him Guardian....how did this happen? Has he appeared in court? Has he being reviewed, bonded, etc.? I might have to insist on seeing the actual court orders on this.

Normally, Guardians, make certain the Ward is being cared for properly and not placed suddenly with a person who is not prepared or trained to handle them. And to say, "Don't worry." When the proposed caretaker asks questions....very odd indeed. I don't think your boyfriend is exhibiting proper Guardianship behavior. And leaving her alone unattended?

I'm confused. Are you all living in a house owned by your boyfriend or is this house owned by his mother?

Sunnygirl1 he owns our house. His mom has a "house" and property up north that he is selling. And im not sure how he got POA either with her being incompetent. I do know his attorney is the same one his grandmother had. I guess this attorney over sees all her legal stuff. To be honest i dont really know how this stuff works as its not something i have ever delt with reguarding a parent, POA, guardiaship etc. I do know he is in the process of getting bonded 110% per VA requirments for him taking over her care. I also dont know how she has a va appointment here in our state on tuesday (surprisingly he is taking her since i said no) because she is incompetent i dont get how she was able to make am appointment herself lol i did tell him to get things started when his grandma got sick but of course he did everything last minute including flying her down here... im currently cooking dinner and folding laundry to keep myself occupied.

Also right before his grandmother passed she signed a void of guardianship paper for him & the attorneys!

He owns the house, so you're living with him in his house, taking care of the children, and pretty soon his mother? This has "failure" written all over it.

Listen to the others, read the thread FF recommended as well as other threads on this same topic. Others have tried this and wrote of their frustrating, depressing, loss of control, work horse experience.

I also think you need to think very seriously about the environment into which you've brought your children. They'll grow up perhaps believing it's acceptable for their parents to just live together, but they shouldn't grow up being subordinated to the needs of a parent of a live-in father.

If he is POA and Guardian, it is HIS responsibility to go with MD appointments with her. Not yours. Be very alert to how this affects your children; if you see outbursts of behavior or withdrawal of any kind by the kids, that's a danger sign. Let him manage the meds, that's a huge responsibility too. It could be a point of contention in his family and you do not need that drama.

I agree with Pam. He made this decision, and he decided without your blessing. I can't imagine having another person around no matter who it is, no matter what the age nor supposed condition. Even bringing in a sibling of yours or his or family friend of any age will create stress, possibly so much that it can break the relationship. I think the major factor is how much the visitor or new resident will interfere with the current balance. That means everyone having enough private space. Overcrowding alone is so stressful that people fight no matter who they are. How soundproof are the walls? Will you be able to have a private phone conversation, or will you constantly worry about eavesdropping? Will you be able to shower and change without worries of privacy invasions, whether intended or not? Under this new setup, do you have enough alone time? Do you have a quiet environment, or do you hear more noise than you can bear?

I have seen parents move in and have it work out, but these parents had a life of their own, and made sure not to interfere with the parenting of the young children. This is one of those hard lessons grandparents learn, but it depends on the culture, as in some families the grandparents participate in rearing the children.

You have to set boundaries, the three adults, decide this together and stick with it, regardless of what anyone says about the newcomer's "competency." Who knows? She might turn out to be a great bedtime storyteller, or maybe she can teach the kids stuff only older people know. Or maybe she can help with homework.

The reality of this situation, no matter what anyone says on this page, is that it ALWAYS falls to the woman to ultimately do the caring. The fact that he's taking her to a Dr's appointment is lulling you in to a false sense of security. I don't want to sound bitter or harsh, it's just the way that relationships work. Men provide the bravado of fixing a situation. Women, when faced with the situation at hand try to fix it. I love the idea of living in a multi-generational house. It's idyllic as seen on The Waltons or Full House, but realistically it won't work, unless your you're beyond wealthy and Mom gets sane really quick. I guess I am being harsh. My main concern id for your kids and although on the surface this is a great family unit that you would love your kids to have exposure to, it is not going to happen. In about three months your boyfriend will find fault with anything you do in regards to Mom.I mean really, he moved her in there without really even asking you! I know you want to be good daughter in law and supportive spousal type (need I remind you, you're not even married!) but plan your life right now. Do you want to be second fiddle to his Mom? How long are you willing to go without being married, which at least gives you some rights. You need to figure an escape plan asap

A correction : When I said men provide bravado to fix a situation... then I meant "Women when left with that fix have to take care of it"

You and your SO are "private" people. You are OCD, especially about the condition of your home. You have 3 children under the age of 7 and one of them is special needs. Your husband is the primary breadwinner and no doubt has limitations on his time.

And into this you are a bringing a hoarder with schizophrenia and/or PTSD. OMG! I congratulate you for keeping your present family intact and presumably functional. You both must be strong, caring people. But as for your chances of surviving this upheaval, sorry, I don't rate them as high.

First of all, I am appalled at the insensitive remarks made on this board. None of you know if this is going to turn out bad or not! My mother lives with us and she has vascular dementia. She is also prone to hallucinations (some are really funny). It is not a bed of roses by no means but, there are far more good days than bad. I would sit my boyfriend down and say "Here's the deal. We need to build a separate suite onto the house or a small extension that will be totally hers. This takes care of the privacy issue." I find that is the main problem with my mom. As far as being found incompetent, well that usually happens with the VA. My mom receives va support also. I can leave my mom while I am at work. She has a call alert system. Their are many ways to make your life easier. The best thing to do is not panic. I bet she is just as nervous as you. And for those who say that having a multi-generational home will not work, they are wrong. Up till two generations ago, the majority of homes were multi-generational homes. It was after WWII, when it became affordable for kids to own their own home. I am afraid as health care continues to spiral out of control, that there will be a lot more multi-generational homes. She may end up very surprised at how well it can work out if she gives a little instead of thinking that the world has come to an end. She needs to talk and make a plan with the boyfriend. It doesn't sound like this has happened on either one's part.

sundaisey, I would never say multi-generational households can't work out. I have sure seen where they have been rewarding. One woman in my support group cared for both her husband and her mother with dementia, in her home. It was hard, of course, but it was very successful.

And I am glad to know that your own situation is rewarding. Do you have young children, including step-children and a special needs child?

What I am very afaid won't work out in this situation is the very thing you pointed out -- no evidence of good communication between the couple. And mental illness issues beyond dementia complicate things emenously.

"This won't work out" is not a knee-jerk reaction for me. Considering all the elements that have been described it really doesn't sound like one of the cases where everyone's life is enriched.

I agree with Tacy022. This is a nutty situation. If she got PTSD serving, then the VA should be dealing with her trailer of junk! If there's a CoDA (co-dependants anonymous 12-Step group) near you, you could learn about doing too much for too many. Good luck.

One of the least considered here is his mother. Schizophrenia is a serious disease of the brain and it needs professional care. People with this illness suffer severely when their symptoms are active. No, you can't do this by you yourself and you will need support.
Let's just say you have decided to give it a go. First call your county mental health center and get info on any day programs that she can go to several times a week.
It is really a good thing to take her to her VA psych visits and get to know her providers. The more you know them, the more comfortable you will be asking for help.
Look for an organization named NAMI ( The National Allience for the Mentally ill).
This is a national group devoted to advocacy and education about mental illness. They have education groups as well as support groups. They do a lot of family education.
There are people out there who will help you. Schizophrenia is a complicate illness tha t destroys lives, and it is not the the sick person's fault. There is no cure but medications can help control symptoms.
Having compassion for her suffering does not mean you have to give up your life.Use resources, keep friendships, ask for help. And if you need to, save yourself and leave the situation. You are a young woman, and deserve to have control over your life, and you deserve happiness.
PS. I have been a psychiatric nurse for forty years.

Knittynurse, thanks for your practical advice.

Okay... I'm speaking here as someone who grew up with a mom who has schizophrenia AND cared for her in our home for five years after she had two strokes resulting in vascular dementia & aphasia. Additionally, i have three special needs adult siblings-in-law (autism, bi-polar disorder, development delays...). I'm laying that out there as foundation for my response to H3KIDS.

First... I wish I could scoop you up and give the tightest hug right now and then have you in for coffee. You sound like an amazing, insightful woman and at the tender age of 24 no less.

My big sisterly advise to you is this. This situation doesn't have to be an either/or. Like anything in life, what happens today doesn't mean it happens tomorrow. The current reality is you mil is enroute and will be moving in. I agree with the others that given your your life circumstances it will be an upheaval for sure. Accept that transitions are messy, especially for those with the limitations mental illness can bring. Or NOT. You won't know until she is there and things shake out a bit. No one know why things work and why they don't in this world sometimes, in spite of all the evidence. Mental illness/schizophrenia is not a one size fits all situation and folks who react to it like it is, have either zero idea what they are talking about or are basing their perceptions on limited personal experience or hearing worst case scenarios in the media. Mentally ill people land on a continuum like we ALL do, and just because someone is different does not necessarily equate to bad/broken/mean/toxic... The most loving person I know in this world has a mental illness. My mom is the kindest, smartest, thoughtful person ever. She however has a burden to carry but that in no way compromises who she is as a person. Could this be a completely unworkable situation? Hell yes it could be, but you already know that. If her illness is unmanageable then, duh! She needs to be in a place that can meet her needs. Could it also work out to be a household with a quirky bonded tight knit family tribe 'with differences' that is spilling over with love. Absolutely. Could it start out one way and morph into the other. Of course. You need to find out if this situation is workable for you and your collective family's happiness and wellbeing. So here you are.

Reality: she's coming, too late to put genie back in the bottle.

Reality: you and your boyfriend need to build a support team with doctors, social workers, the VA, spiritual advisor, etc and develop plans A,B & C. Having plans in place will allow you as a family make decisions that will be in the best interest of everyone concerned. The children's needs are priority over mil, but should not be considered in a vacuum imho. Kids join the tribe and not the other way around imho.

REALITY: get yourselves into a family counseling to help you navigate this. It is not a luxury. We did this because of our family members, but I realize it enriched us beyond any expectation regardless of our family. If you cannot afford one, find one that charges on a sliding scale or through a work trade... anything. Dump your cable and something else for it. A good therapist is worth their weight in gold. He/she will keep you from getting polarized and is best qualified to help you navigate things in real time, will know the players first hand and will provide the scaffolding and support you and you entire family will need and keep you on track with self-care. They also will have experience helping families. We here on this site as amazing as we all are, are mostly all in the sharp end of the stick ourselves. Great for commiseration, support and love, but do not bring objectivity and experience a good professional can provide. (Recommend interviewing at least three. Find someone you both respect.)

I'm going to avoid trotting out the word boundaries, as it is so overused and really doesn't help when in the nitty gritty of family stuff. I prefer the word limits. What is your limit for her hoarding. What is the limits for disruption for your kids. What is the limit for number of times you and spouse are at odds. What is the limit on your boyfriend putting mom's need in front of yours or the kids. (Easy for some to say never on that one, but that's unrealistic thinking. Family needs ebb and flow even in the healthiest families). Discuss, share and plan. Together!!! Believe in yourselves and prepare for your lives facing reality, not away from it using kindness, smarts, & compassion and solid decision making.

Lastly, I have known several friends & neighbors with 'normal' families that have waaay more drama than has happened in our collective unorthidox tribe, which is not to say we haven't had drama. It usually surfaces from our 'normal' family members... lol.

Much love to you on this week celebrating family. XOXOXO

: prepare plan b,c & d with your spouse.

You both need to go the mother's doctor appointments together. You need to know what to expect and to be kept in the loop. It would not be fair to you if he doesn't go with you.

She will need to be followed by a psychiatrist. When properly in treatment, she should be functional, assuming she has no other problems. If she stops taking medication, do not hesitate to call the local mobile mental health crisis team. She cannot live with children if she's psychotic. My father had three psychotic breaks. There is no greater hell. See if her mental health doctors can get her set up in some kind of program or group home. She needs to get on her feet or, if that's possible, find a safe place to live. While she's living with you, remember that she was someone's daughter. Imagine how you would feel if she were your child. I know she's an adult but she's sick, and that's not in her control. If things go bad, get out. It will suck but stress will kill you.

You have 3 children, one with special needs, and they come first. You come first, or you should - with him. First, set some ground rules with your boyfriend. Anything that won't fit in her room, goes in storage (with the exception of a few "special items" she can pick out. He takes responsibility for her medical care and you expect if there are problems, he supports you.
Schizophrenia is a serious mental illness - how will she behave? And will her behavior affect your children, when, as you have already identified, you will be under stress yourself?
Tell your boyfriend you will give it 3-6 months. If it is not working, either he finds a place for her, or you find a new home for you and the children. His house, his mother, your additional responsibilities - what is wrong with this picture?

Been there - done that! It will drive you crazy! I ended up in family therapy because I couldn't stop crying. We did it for eight years. It is very stressful. My husband was wonderful to his folks. The stress and responsibility along with the lack of privacy can be overwhelming. Please don't do it. Find another solution.

I agree, since ur boyfriend chose to bring her into ur home he should take care of her. You have enough holding down a job and three kids. I personally, would not want someone in my home with her mental problems. I know it is hard at 24 to put ur foot down but she needs to understand that it's ur home. She gets a room and what she can fit into it. She should be on some type of disability, Social Security or SSI. If so, she can pay for a storage unit.

My wife and I took my mother in twice. Both times it was a disaster. Tension in the house boiled over into arguments where there had been peace before. My mother is 92 but the circumstances are very similar. My mother had no place to go, I am an only child and Mom's family would not step up for her. I finally had the ultimatum delivered on me and was about to lose a happy marriage of 49 years. I found an AL nearby and forced her to move there or go anywhere she wanted to live except in our home. It was a terribly hard day when we moved her back in August this year. The fight over moving to AL was hurtful, she hurled insults at my wife and pointed her finger at me, "I am your mother, you are my son, I am not going there!!" As soon as last week she begged me to move her back in, never going to happen. She has money and good insurance so the AL is perfect for her. She admits now they take special care of her and we make sure she gets to all family functions nearby. I know she will live to be 100 and there will be no inheritance for me. So be it. Your boyfriend is making a mistake that will eventually put a severe strain on your relationship. My advice is put a limit on how long she can stay and start looking now.

H3KIDS: IMHO, I don't think your boyfriend should do this! His mother won't be able to handle the noise that typical children make. It's not going to be a good fit!