I am 28 and my brother is 23. We both live with my mom, who is 57 and has stage 4 breast cancer. She is doing relatively well for right now, still works and drives. I plan on leaving next year to live with my boyfriend.
My mother favors my brother and we get along well when he's not home. When he is home, she is abusive towards me emotionally and calls me names. My brother has never helped in my mothers care. She almost died in the ICU twice and he was not there. She had emergency surgery and he left to go to Detroit-my boyfriend had to go sit in the hospital until I was able to leave work to be there. I go to her often 7 hour appointments. His girlfriend calls my mother the c... With cancer and calls me "fat Voldemort". He has a supplemental teaching position (gets paid a small amount of money at the end of the contract) but otherwise does not pay his own bills. My mom pays for his cellphone and car insurance and clothes/living expenses.
When I was working in a bank, I saw that my moms account (at the time my brother and I were on it) was having funds taken out by my brother that my mom didn't know about or authorize. She took his name off and left mine on but always threatens to remove it because "I hate my brother so much". Last week, I caught my brother trying to take money out of her purse when she was asleep twice. I took her purse and locked it in my room. When my mom found out she accused ME of stealing and said brother could never do that, even though I have proven he has before. I don't need to steal-I'm a teacher and my boyfriend has a phD.
Can someone please tell me what to do. My mothers health will decline and I know my brother will continue to take from her purse and maybe do worse. My uncle is my moms POA and I am her health POA and on her bank account. I know some may say not to leave but I will lose my sanity if I don't.
He's in for a shock when he finds out how the world actually works.
But Flash, while your mother's treatment of you is unkind and unfair, your brother's failings do not have to add to your burden of responsibility. Decide what you are prepared to do for your mother regardless of your brother's input or lack of it. Set those boundaries and stick to them. And what happens beyond them - well, let your mother take the consequences of her own decisions. Your boyfriend is right: don't let this small part of it invade your whole life.
He's still her son, regardless of what he's doing or not doing. She's got Stage IV cancer; it's a terminal stage or close to it. She knows her time is limited. And she'd like to see her son and daughter get along, hopefully before she dies. Who would want to leave this world knowing that the two children she bore and raised are feuding with each other?
She may also feel that she can win his affection, which she doesn't seem to have, by indulging him financially.
Doesn't change the situation, but perhaps it helps to explain the complex dynamics of this family.
You can't fix this for her while she is still competent. You don't cosign for anything you can't afford to pay for yourself, and you knew better though Mom didn't. Adults should rarely if ever need other adults to cosign anything for them.
Save up some money for an eldercare attorney to step in and remove a neglectful financial POA and/or get guardianship in the future, and watch as well as you can; and/or keep Adult Protective contacts handy. I'm just glad brother is not POA or she'd have been wiped out already.
My boyfriend plans to propose this winter so we can move in together in July. We are really both "sole caregivers" (his brother will require long term care as will his parents) so he gets the fact that I am also alone. When my mother was sicker I regularly rearranged my work schedule to help her because my brother was absent.
I have also arranged to see a counselor because I am very upset that my brother will not help me with my mother and I am upset over the way she has treated me in regards to my brother over the years. I have also arranged for a cleaning lady to come in every two weeks to clean her condo (my brother will regularly use the toilet and not flush and leaves things everywhere).
Thank you all for your kind words. I am terrified of having no help when things get worse. I am resentful of my brother not having to work, pay bills, or have an ounce of responsibility. I always thought it would be a 50/50 care taking responsibility ;(
When you confronted your brother about taking money from your mother's purse, what did he say?
Has your mother been in the habit of paying him a regular allowance? Is it something she would like to think about doing until he secures permanent employment? If she would like to, and she can afford to, if she's competent she can do that herself and if she isn't she can ask your uncle to make the arrangements. Please note, I'm not commenting on whether or not I think that's a good idea. But your mother has clearly indulged your brother up to now, and if that's what she wants to go on doing then, I'm afraid, that is up to her.
But either way, your brother needs to get his backside into gear, grow up and leave home; the sad reality of it is that your mother will not be there to shelter him forever. Don't bother your mother with this: bother him with it. He'll make his mother's mind much easier if she sees him functioning as an independent adult - that's the best thing he can do for her.
Every 60 second of anger is a minute of happiness you never get back.
It has helped me with anger sms server anxiety.
So sorry for this.
Your brother needs to be the one exiting the home. I would see if your Uncle can reason with your mother to put him out. She will resent it if it comes from you, she may be more accepting from your Uncle. Stealing from mom's bank account or purse when his name was on the account would be difficult to prosecute but I agree it is the moves of a lowlife. Have the Uncle keep her funds safe as she will need home health aides, medical equipment for her use in the house if she wants to remain there.
I would not leave to be with the boyfriend. If he is marriageable and this is Mr. Right perhaps but you will be the caregiver for Mom even if you move out . Boyfriends (even husbands) want to be the center of your attention and you will not be giving enough attention etc. You really don't need another stressful situation at this point. You will find a mate after mom is sadly gone. I would date the man for now unless it is serious enough to marry him. Even with marriage, you will end up juggling a job, a husband and a mother sick with stage 4 cancer. You may end up losing your mother and getting a failed marriage under such stressful conditions. Try not to set yourself up for failure. You are still quite young, I know all your friends are marrying at 28 but many will be divorced by 35 so it goes in today's society.
If you go, you will still be concerned about your mom's welfare. One day she may need you as your brother won't be there for her and your moving might be what it take takes for your mom to see what's happening between herself and her son.
It seems the one who gives the most care turns out to be the "bad guy" in these situations.