My 93-yr old father is still legally in charge of his and my mom's affairs (who has dementia), but he is relying more and more on my brother who lives nearby while I live far away. My brother is named as primary healthcare POA, but I am named primary financial POA and I am executor of their Will. These POA's not yet in effect, because father not legally "incapacitated."
My brother is taking charge more and more of all of my parent's financial affairs, not informing me and refusing to share information, and significantly telling others that he has full legal authority.
Last year my brother falsely claimed in an email that he in fact had full healthcare and financial POA, and that he was executor: he told me that my father had updated his documents, but I later confirmed this completely untrue. Without my father's knowledge, he made appointment for he and my father to see an estate lawyer to change his documents. My father did not want to go and I found out and we both stopped it, but not without a big argument. My father thinks it was a misunderstanding.
Now my father is making major financial decisions, selling several properties and our childhood home. Because my brother is there, he is depending on my brother for much of the legal and financial details. My brother put house up for sale and started negotiating with buyers without even telling me. My father knows this and he believes my brother is consulting me and keeping me informed, but he is not and he will not when I ask for information. He arranged estate sale, without telling me any details or dates. He has put parent's posessions in storage with only him and my father's name on contract.
None of this is illegal, of course, because no POA has come into effect. But all my parents friends, relatives, caregivers now think my brother is fully in charge.
I have tried to talk to my father, who does not want to discuss. He avoids conflict. He does not see any contradiction between naming me financial POA, but letting my brother do all of the financial logistics now. But he thinks just more convenient for my brother to help him now. He thinks my brother is keeping me fully informed. If I complain, he thinks we just children squabbling with each other.
Last week I asked my brother directly if he intended to be transparent and consult with me once the POAs actually come into effect. He gave extremely evasive answer, basically saying no.
I think he is positioning himself to take full control, by convincing others he does. Yes, I still have the legal documents, but I am 2000 miles away, and can't fly out there to show every time my brother confuses someone else. And I am afraid he will try again to take my father to lawyer to change documents.
What to do?
I think if you want to preserve your position, you need to get out there every 2-3 mos. I've had to do this and it is important that the other actors see you involved as well. My 93 yr old, very intelligent, capable Dad asked me to get more involved as he was less interested in the burden of business affairs. I am 3,000 mi away but I get out there regularly. Sister in law made a fuss over fact my bro was not joint with me on POA, but it will not work jointly.
My view is you need to fight to keep your position that your Dad wanted you to have, and assert yourself now . My Dad's POA was not to be effective until 'incapacity' but I told him it needed to be effective immediately, and he complied and I know now he isglad he did. But, ifyou cannot physically be present regularly, your Bro will defacto take over and could have negative consequences for other heirs (yourself or others).
My brother lives next door. He's wily, and.. I would still go to him to help us with stuff knowing that he's been trying to find ways to get POA. I can see why your father refuses to do anything to jeopardize alienating your brother. It's scary to find yourself old and no longer being able to do things like you used to.
Your brother is there for them. You are too far away and out of the loop to be of any immediate help. Let's hope that your brother is doing all of these things with the intention of helping your parents. If you feel something is not right, then perhaps it's time you start scheduling several visits yearly to check up your parents. The Internet, like Expedia, can provide some very cheap airfares. Go home for visits so that as POA, you know what's going on and letting people know that you do have an interest in your parents well being. I really do understand why your father will not take sides. He won't bite the hand that's feeding him (helping him).
Real estate transactions, financial transactions etc. don't happen, hear this, DONT HAPPEN, without dad signing or your brother showing a fully executed and legal POA.
Either you're in or you're out. Either you butt out or you move on your brother. Those are your options. You have no others. The way you would move on your brother would be to hire an attorney in dad's state and get a court order to force your brother to show his documents. Then proceed from there if he didn't have them.
If dad is cooperating with your brother, which I suspect he is, you have nothing. If it's any consolation, it happens allll the time.
Being 2000 miles away, in my opinion, you should not have been appointed financial POA in the first place. Bad setup.
See All Answers