Mom is always in pain it seems and asks for her pain pills all the time. She moans a groans and always says she hurts. She is always asking me to get her coffee and food, etc. because it is hard for her to walk. Well - the other day she had a visitor that mentioned that she needed to go to an assisted living situation (which is in progress). Mom suddenly got up and walked around without her cane and was in no pain and told her friend "let's go shopping". It was like her whole personality changed. As soon as they left, she went back to her moaning and groaning. Is this normal? Has she been taking advantage of my help this whole time?
I'm not a doctor or shrink, and I'm not going to negate any symptoms that someone is feeling. If the pain feels real to them, this is all that matters. I'm learning through everyone's experience here that anything goes. I don't need to argue, correct or get overly concerned with these behaviors unless there is an actual emergency.
Look at how placebos work for certain people.
I totally agree with not arguing.
They will just double down on their stance and no one will get through to them anyway.
Scampi,
You are smart enough to know that you will be talking to a brick wall, if you try to have a rational conversation with a person who has advanced dementia.
Plus, you have experience with dementia symptoms, so it isn’t puzzling to you.
Often on this forum I will tell a poster who is dealing with the caregiving of a needy senior with or without dementia to not play the person's attention-seeking games.
I had a care client years ago who used to stage "falls". Then she'd call me in hysterics that she needed help and like a fool, I'd go running. I was new in this line of work but caught on quick. The next time she had a "fall" I told her I would call the paramedics for her and her out-of-town daughter. She begged me not to and said if only I could just come. I did not go to her again but called the paramedics and her daughter anyway. She never staged another fall or called me again with an "emergency" because I stopped playing her get attention game. She knew what she was doing.
My mother has been doing the practiced invalid game for decades. It gets her nowhere. She tries it out on some people and when she doesn't get the desired outcome from them she will try with others and that usually fails also. Some people crave pity from others. They like others to feel sorry for them and they want to be 'babied' by someone.
Oh, hell no. You don't 'baby' an adult. If said adult is so far gone with dementia that they have regressed back into being a baby, they belong in a nursing home.
Don't play your mother's games. Encourage others not to either. A person's independence is the most important thing in the world and sometimes there needs to be some tough love to help a person retain the highest level of independence they can. Not being waited on or 'babied' might make someone angry at you. They may even grow to dislike and even hate you, but making a person do for themselves where they can and not pitying them is always the best thing for them.
Your new to this and there is a learning curve. I may just hide a camera to see just how much Mom doesvfor herself when ur gone. Then show it to her.
'Show Timing', sometimes referred to as 'host/hostess mode', is when a person with dementia can display lucid and coherent behavior in front of medical professionals, in other words act as their 'normal selves', but be confused and lost around loved ones or caregivers.
She most likely is in pain. But as someone else has written try the blood pressure method and if she is in real pain her blood pressure will rise. If you have to give a placebo to satisfy her to see if that works - yes I did say that! We can only try things it is all a trial and error disease! A prayer was said for you today!
She is a life-long narcissist with mild to moderate dementia.
So yes , your mom could be faking at times .
The struggle with dementia mixed with NPD is extremely difficult. 🥴
I like to believe that it was not malicious or intentional, it was, for him, just the brain and cognition deteriorating.
We started photo-documenting to help get her into a care home. (she showtimed so well she even talked her way out of a suicide psych hold)
We were so frustrated and resentful,
People think of dementia as loss of memory and loss of skills. We found it removed my mother’s filter such that she would say or do anything in order to get what she wanted when she wanted it.
Finally, mental pain can be exasperated by dementia. Patients may experience significant loss or grief, even when confused or disoriented. This can lead to social, spiritual or emotional pain, which is felt physically like other types of pain.
Mother needs to be assessed by a physician.
Gena / Touch Matters
I think you're right. A person with dementia may be similar to a hypochondriac and imagine that they're in pain and theres something terribly wrong when in reality there is nothing wrong.