Mom is always in pain it seems and asks for her pain pills all the time. She moans a groans and always says she hurts. She is always asking me to get her coffee and food, etc. because it is hard for her to walk. Well - the other day she had a visitor that mentioned that she needed to go to an assisted living situation (which is in progress). Mom suddenly got up and walked around without her cane and was in no pain and told her friend "let's go shopping". It was like her whole personality changed. As soon as they left, she went back to her moaning and groaning. Is this normal? Has she been taking advantage of my help this whole time?
She could be showtiming:
https://coping.today/what-does-showtime-mean/
I would say it is "more likely" to be not faking, but imagining. And I would say that the mention of assisted living would likely tend to get one moving again, almost on a subconscious level.
We none of us can do anything but guess about the workings of the human mind, other than to say that whether we are demented or we are not, we are ever a "mystery".
As to this "taking advantage" you might want to speak to someone in PT and OT or just goggle a lot about "maintaining independence" in seniors. Sometimes for caregivers whether dealing with kids or elders it just becomes "easier" to "do it for them" or "get it for them". It is hard to insist that they get up for that glass of water, but the good it will do the joints, the muscles, the tendons and in helping the bones to stay healthy is enormous.
Often just a walk somewhere they love--for me bookshop or junk shop, can get them moving, get their minds off the aches and pains. But trust me at 81 going rapidly on 82, there ARE aches and pains for certain.
Do know also that many medications for pain are notorious for bringing on "rebound pain".
Your question is a big one, to be sure. Just doubt it has one certain answer. But is great food for thought.
Often on this forum I will tell a poster who is dealing with the caregiving of a needy senior with or without dementia to not play the person's attention-seeking games.
I had a care client years ago who used to stage "falls". Then she'd call me in hysterics that she needed help and like a fool, I'd go running. I was new in this line of work but caught on quick. The next time she had a "fall" I told her I would call the paramedics for her and her out-of-town daughter. She begged me not to and said if only I could just come. I did not go to her again but called the paramedics and her daughter anyway. She never staged another fall or called me again with an "emergency" because I stopped playing her get attention game. She knew what she was doing.
My mother has been doing the practiced invalid game for decades. It gets her nowhere. She tries it out on some people and when she doesn't get the desired outcome from them she will try with others and that usually fails also. Some people crave pity from others. They like others to feel sorry for them and they want to be 'babied' by someone.
Oh, hell no. You don't 'baby' an adult. If said adult is so far gone with dementia that they have regressed back into being a baby, they belong in a nursing home.
Don't play your mother's games. Encourage others not to either. A person's independence is the most important thing in the world and sometimes there needs to be some tough love to help a person retain the highest level of independence they can. Not being waited on or 'babied' might make someone angry at you. They may even grow to dislike and even hate you, but making a person do for themselves where they can and not pitying them is always the best thing for them.
Dementia is so odd, there is sometimes no time or reason for the things they do.
I heard my mom and brother have a very intelligent interesting conversation where she sounded completely coherent, and I get..... Well I don't get that anyways.
But it could also have a lot to do with her mentally at the time. Like I play boccie on a team in the summer. Some days it's hot, I'm like omg there is no way I'm going to be able to play tonight, how am I going to get though this? Then I go , forget the heat , play my heart out and kick a$&. Forget all about the heat. The brain can do some crazy things. Her brain is saying I can't... Like mine on those missurable hot boccie days.
I'm not sure if that helps at all but it's a thought of what may be going on
We started photo-documenting to help get her into a care home. (she showtimed so well she even talked her way out of a suicide psych hold)
We were so frustrated and resentful,
People think of dementia as loss of memory and loss of skills. We found it removed my mother’s filter such that she would say or do anything in order to get what she wanted when she wanted it.
Your new to this and there is a learning curve. I may just hide a camera to see just how much Mom doesvfor herself when ur gone. Then show it to her.
Your mother sounds very much like mine right down to the crying and singing routine.
She would and does do the exact same thing. When I was a child when she'd start up with the crying and singing nonsense that was kind if scary. Then she'd follow it up by viciously lashing out at me. She'd keep that bullying and berating up until she got what she wanted which was to see me in tears and exploding with anger.
When I was a teenager her histrionics didn't scare me anymore. She'd only go so far with me because I think there was some fear there. I wasn't a little kid anymore and there might be a different reaction. I pretty much just ignored this nonsense or left. That's what I do now. The crying and singing and behaving like a lunatic is an act. It's for attention. I am the wrong person to try that with. My mother also enjoyes fabricating the occassional health crisis requiring a trip to the ER. Like the time years ago I was going to be in my friend's wedding. She's from a big Indian family and they do it up. I was literally bringing my luggage to the car and my mother started up with the chest pains, shortness of breath, some crying and singing. Then came the could I just take her to the ER. Well, no because I had several flights to catch. There was nothing wrong with her. I was super excited about the wedding and she wanted to ruin it for me. She was not successful. It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
I don't play the attention-seeking games. Not with care clients and not with family. No one ever should.
I like to believe that it was not malicious or intentional, it was, for him, just the brain and cognition deteriorating.
Finally, mental pain can be exasperated by dementia. Patients may experience significant loss or grief, even when confused or disoriented. This can lead to social, spiritual or emotional pain, which is felt physically like other types of pain.
Mother needs to be assessed by a physician.
Gena / Touch Matters
I think you're right. A person with dementia may be similar to a hypochondriac and imagine that they're in pain and theres something terribly wrong when in reality there is nothing wrong.
'Show Timing', sometimes referred to as 'host/hostess mode', is when a person with dementia can display lucid and coherent behavior in front of medical professionals, in other words act as their 'normal selves', but be confused and lost around loved ones or caregivers.
She most likely is in pain. But as someone else has written try the blood pressure method and if she is in real pain her blood pressure will rise. If you have to give a placebo to satisfy her to see if that works - yes I did say that! We can only try things it is all a trial and error disease! A prayer was said for you today!
She is a life-long narcissist with mild to moderate dementia.
One time she told me that her hair was hurting! I said, ‘Do you mean that your scalp hurts?’ She specifically said that it was her hair!
I told her that hair was dead and it was impossible for it to be hurting her. Well, I was wasting my time and energy because she insisted that her hair hurt her.
She didn’t have dementia. She was just crazy 😝!
It might be time to consider placing her in an appropriate care facility that can meet her needs.
Tell your SO that it's okay for him to put her in her place when she's being disrespectful to him. Tell her to shut the hell up when she's acting up. No one has to live with abuse whether it's dementia-related or not.
So yes , your mom could be faking at times .
The struggle with dementia mixed with NPD is extremely difficult. 🥴
Some people aren’t faking pain because they have acute pain, rather than chronic pain.
I think it comes down to knowing the particular situation and the individual who is experiencing pain or perhaps faking their pain.
My mother was never a chronic complainer, before or after dementia. Whenever she mentioned pain, it was real for her.
Plus, Mom’s dementia was mild. Advanced dementia is more challenging to deal with.
She had rotator cuff and knee issues. Both are genuinely painful. Unfortunately, she wasn’t a candidate for surgery due to her advanced age.
At times, UTIs created unusual behavior for my mom.
I didn’t know that urinary tract infections caused this kind of behavior. It was quite interesting for me to learn this was common in the elderly.
I'm not a doctor or shrink, and I'm not going to negate any symptoms that someone is feeling. If the pain feels real to them, this is all that matters. I'm learning through everyone's experience here that anything goes. I don't need to argue, correct or get overly concerned with these behaviors unless there is an actual emergency.
Look at how placebos work for certain people.
I totally agree with not arguing.
They will just double down on their stance and no one will get through to them anyway.
Scampi,
You are smart enough to know that you will be talking to a brick wall, if you try to have a rational conversation with a person who has advanced dementia.
Plus, you have experience with dementia symptoms, so it isn’t puzzling to you.