My 78 year old mother came for a visit in April 2023 with my sister in Tucson, my mother physically abused me when I was little and I ended up in a foster home. Fast forward, she has been at my apartment for the past 5 months and refuses to go back to New York because she says that she was abused by a family member, (I do not believe this story, because she consistently lies. Thursday, I found her unresponsive in my apartment when I got home from work, I called an ambulance and they took her to the hospital. I called the hospital this morning and they told me she was not listed in the hospital, that is not possible, after three hours of calling the hospital I went over there and they would not tell me where she was. I became quite upset, I know she was admitted, fast forward, I just find out that she told the hospital that she was molested by my nephew in New York and she told them she was scared that he was going to get her. He is incarcerated at the moment in New York on separate issues, I live in Oregon. I do not know why she would say that. Anyways, the hospital will not confirm if she is there or where she is, so I do not want her coming back to my apartment because I am concerned about what other lies she is saying. My sister says she will report me for abandonment, how is this abandonment when she is in the hospital. She came for a visit, I do not want to be physically responsible for her anymore. Because of our past history, I do not feel comfortable having her back in my home. My sister was taking care of her in New York and is adamant that she can not come back there.
Do not be alone in a room with her so she can’t accuse you of abuse .
Be as adamant as your sister that mom cannot come back to your place. Mom is mentally ill and needs treatment and care. You can't provide it. You don't want to give mom fuel to accuse you of anything. Refusing to house her is not abandonment, and your sister can't do anything to you over this. She's just making noise.
Go no contact, answer no calls (even from family), stay quiet, and go about your business. Refuse to get involved. You owe nothing to your abuser.
Good luck, and stay strong.
"My sister was taking care of her in New York and is adamant that she can not come back there."
Where does Tucson come in? Does someone live in Tucson? Your mother has been staying with you in OR, and your sister was taking care of your mother in NY. Was your mother living with your sister in NY? ("Taking care of" doesn't have to mean living with.)
Seems like you were never on any HIPAA paperwork for your mother, since they wouldn't speak with you about her. You must be getting your info from your sister in NY, who is on a HIPAA form. Does your sister also have POA/HCPOA?
I agree with the others; don't get involved at this point. Do not call the hospital. They are apparently in contact with your sister, so she can manage everything. Do not take her back into your home for any reason. Don't believe any discharge planner that it would only be "temporarily" and that they will find you help. They won't. Once she is out of the hospital, she is out of sight, out of mind for them.
The abused should not become the caregivers of their abusers.
The reason they are not speaking to anyone is because the mom apparently told them about the alleged abuse in New York, so basically she PC'd up in the hospital, so when I was calling on Saturday, the hospital acted and told me they did not have her in her system for 4 hours...it was horrible, I was extremely upset because I thought they lost her. She is very petite and is under 5 feet, so all kinds of thoughts were going through my mind. Because she PC's up they would not tell me anything, so I called the cops on the hospital, because I wanted answers, after 4 exhausting hours of this BS, I told the Charge nurse, that since they were not telling me she was there, not to call me when she was ready for discharge, because she was not coming back to my house, the charge nurse called sister in NY and told her what I said, I was upset and exhausted, and sister NO. 2 is the one accusing me of abandonment, because of what I said. She is telling everyone that she is going to make a report to the AGs office in AZ that abandoned the mom At this point I do not care what she does. I am going to take everyone's advise and just mind my own business. I am done with this drama.....
Do not allow her to be released to your home (if she has a key, change the locks).
If the SW calls, give her the name of your sister with POA. Tell the discharge planners that no one is available to care for mom. Do not believe any hogwash about them getting you help. If you allow her back into the house, they've solved THEIR problem, not yours.
If mom shows up in a cab on your doorstep, call 911 and have her taken back to the hospital.
Meanwhile STOP contacting that hospital. You do NOT want yourself listed if you can prevent it. If you had to give you name when she was admitted I hope you did only that and said she is visiting from out of town and you have been unable to get her to return to her own home.
Keep the locks LOCKED. When anyone comes say that your mother does not live there. That she lives in (wherever it is) and that she has currently no residence and cannot stay with you. You may need to consider an hour of time with a landlord tenant attorney to find out if your mother can claim residency.
Do you know who the Social Worker is talking to in reference to Moms care? If your sister, let her handle it for now. Make Sis and anyone else who asks aware that you will not be taking Mom back to ur home. She was visiting, it was not a permanent thing. That as an abused child and a person who needs to hold down a f/t job, you cannot care for her. Again, she was only visiting. They can evaluate her there for 24/7 care, and if no one is willing to care for her, she can be placed near you. Or Sis picks her up and takes her back to NY and places her there. And like others said, don't believe anyone who says there's help out there. Once you walk her thru those doors, she will be ur responsibility.
Does Mom have a formal diagnoses of Dementia? If not, she needs one. I am surprised when u showed up at the hospital asking about Mom, a SW did not come to talk to you. For no other reason to establish who you were to Mom. At that point it would be established that you were the son not the nephew. You could then explain the nephew thing and tell the SW Mom was visiting from out of State.
Please keep us updated. Your experience may help someone else.
Cut off all contact again and keep it that way. You are very lucky your adopted parents are so great because some children get abuser by their biological parents and then their adoptive parents too.
Appreciate what you have and stop looking for a connection with this sick woman who hurt you.
And for the record if you had not given your birth mother money, or took her to the doctor or helped her in anyway you would NOT have been a bad person. So please don't think because you aren't willing to jump back into the vipers pit that you would be bad. You wouldn't be at all and anyone who says otherwise is an idiot.
I always say the only reason child abusers don't continue to abuse children is because there are no longer children in their homes to abuse.
Some then utilize animals as their physical and verbal outlets and abuse them. Then there are the other group who continue to abuse their adult children. This can be verbal or physical depending on the parent and adult child.
Cut off all contact with your mother, sister and the hospital. There is only room on this life raft for you.
I hope you will update us when your mother is safely moved out of your sphere and onto greener pastures.