I’m the 24/7 caregiver for my 87 year old mother who has dementia. I pay for 10 hours of outside help. I have a sister who took her out for an hour on Thanksgiving and visited on her birthday. Mother’s Day will be her next visit and I’m dreading it already. She does nothing else to help me care for OUR mother. She even took a part time job to be unavailable 7 days a week and told me she can’t bring OUR mom to her home because she rents and mom might destroy something. OUR mother weighs 89 lbs and can only walk about 10 feet. I’ve been doing this for 7 months. I cried every day for the first 2. I haven’t been able to visit my grandchildren in Ohio or babysit my 2 other grandchildren nearby. I had just retired from my job as a nurse in a state prison when my stepdad had a stroke and passed away...I liked prison better. My mom pees in her shoes and blames my dog...I gave her a small trashcan for dirty tissues and she pooped in it. My dog and I just look at each other and shake our heads. I have gotten to the point where I am ok with this caregiver life but I can’t deal with how much I resent my sister. I don’t want her here. I don’t like her. I don’t want to be the bigger person. I’m doing what I feel is right for OUR mother and I can live with myself. I don’t have to make it easier for her to sleep at night.
But just out of curiosity, have you actually told sis that you could use some help? Help with some respite caregiving? Help financially with some more paid caregivers if she doesn’t want to personally get involved? Maybe she thinks since you are an retired nurse you are so competent that you don’t need any help? Have you tried guilt? Is she dense and needs a 2x4 to see what’s going on? Do you just grit your teeth and let this resentment fester? It’s really unhealthy and I hope you find a way to get through to her for all of your benefit.
i think if you could get some time away you would deal with this much better
now here is advice others gave me. It’s just one day. Grin and bear it. Perhaps you could provide your sister with some one on one time with her mother by going out the moment she arrives and telling her you will be back at a certain time. Then leave
Sis: I’ll be over about noon on mother's day.
Karin: Great. Since I get to spend every day with Mom, I’ll get her all ready for your visit, and you can take her to Chez Palace, her favorite restaurant.
Sis: aren’t you coming?
Karin: No this will be your special day. I’ve made other plans. I should be back by 4. (Or whenever the movie is over)
Sis: But, but, but....
Karin: well if that doesn’t work for you, then just give her a call. Bye!
I bet when you get back, she'll be a bit more understanding of your plight.
Speaking from [my own] experience, the second I decided that I was not going to get any assistance with the care of my mum from my sisters, it became easier. I looked at it as, it was their loss, not mine.
Today, I have NO regrets for providing care for the one who cared for me when I needed it the most, as a child.
When your mum is no longer here, she has to live with her conscience, not you.
Keep up the good work.
Be open and honest with your sister.
She may have the personality of avoiding hard things, only you know that. If so- take care of you and look into adult daycare or visiting nurse for a few hours out.
True, she may not be cut out for caregiving but she could contribute in some other way, cooking once a week, something!
Karen, if her care is getting to you after 7 months, it may not improve. Mom seems to be at a bad point now, its only going to get worse. I would start looking for a nice LTC facility. If Mom has no money, then apply to Medicaid. My Mom had about 20k. I placed her in a nice LTC facility and she private paid for 2 months, Medicaid took over the 3rd month. Mom was pretty "out of it" but she adjusted very well. The staff loved her. I allowed them to take over her laundry because residents always seemed clean and oder free. She was provided Depends and her toiletries. All I did was visit.
If this is not the way you want to go, then check with ALs in the area and LTC facilities about respite care. It will cost but you can then get away to see grands knowing Mom is cared for. Or tell sister, I need to get away can you take time off and come here and care for Mom.
I like the idea of getting away while sister visits. No ask just say, while your here I am going to visit my grands or whatever.
I completely agree.
But this here particular decision - should you let your sister visit your mother where your mother lives on Mother's Day - is ONLY about what's good for your mother. Will your mother enjoy seeing her other daughter, even if a only little bit, even if only in the moment? Unless it's a definite negative, for reasons which you haven't yet mentioned, then you must allow your sister to visit and if possible make her tolerably welcome. Or at least not put laxatives in her tea.
I used to bring leftovers for lunch. Laxatives in her tea! Hahaha. Memories! I worked with a guy who always stole my lunch from the office lounge area in the fridge. I put my name in large bold print and he still stole it, so I put ex lax chocolate candy in it as a special treat for him! He NEVER, EVER stole my lunch again.
Just curious, does your sister know how you feel? Have you told her you miss your grandchildren and need support? If so, how does she respond?
I didn't go into this resenting my siblings. Before any of us knew there was a dementia issue they knew full well that our mother is a huge challenge to be around. They both made it clear they "couldn't do it" and since I was early retired (from nursing too) it just kind of fell on my lap. I really hated that the retirement we worked hard for got hijacked but I didn't blame them.
Then my mom got here, the dementia became obvious and that is when they really backed away. They know our mother is struggling, they know I am struggling. But I haven't heard from either one in four months.
Now I am resentful. Hurt mostly. I too miss my adult son who I have not been able to visit. Meanwhile their lives go on as normal. I wish I had sage advice here but I don't. I do have plenty of empathy.
Maybe tell your sister the truth? You are burned out. You need to see your kids and grandchildren. If she offers nothing then imo you are justified in not being around her if it's going to cause you ANY stress whatsoever. Don't be there when she visits your mom. Inform her you will have other plans.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I do get it. If you ever want to talk or vent feel free to message me.
Can you quickly leave and say you have an appointment as she is walking in so the day of care-giving will be all her? Even better if the visit is "extended" due to a car breakdown..or the train was delayed...or some other reason that you are going to be LATE..
Alternate to this would be have sis take her on an outing and when they get back you are gone and door is locked so she has to keep mom occupied a bit longer.
Does your Mother have any income that can be used to pay for ..pick 1..or more
Longer hours of caregiver
Adult Day Care
Memory Care facility
a week or two of Respite?
I should also ask how well does Mom do with the visits? Does she get agitated after, is she more confused? If so it might not be a good idea for sis to visit if you are not there to control the situation and keep the visit short. Like no more than 30 minutes. It is possible that if sis knows visit will be max of 30 minutes she may not even bother to visit.
It might be time to discuss placing Mom in a Memory Care facility so that will take burden from you so you can enjoy the visit with Mom and not have to worry about her peeing in a shoe, pooping in a garbage can. (gotta say that is better than many other places she could have gone) And if that means application for Medicaid then that is what has to be done. But you need a life as well and your children and grand children are priority.
Can I just say thanks for saying we, in my case, as full time long time caregiver deserves a life of our own!
I get so so tired of being expected to do this. The truth is that none of us really have to do this. We care for our parents because we choose to but really getting sick of being treated like it’s our duty! While our siblings do nothing to chip in. Don’t even want to hear about them not being able to. Then they should at least pay for respite care! Anyone else feel this way?
The private caregivers do not work for out-of-town; I get that. But you chose to not try the facility for whatever reason. It's not killing people or there would not be any living there. It's just not optimal. But it's also not optimal for two people (you & mom) to cease to live full lives instead of just one...just your mom. I really encourage you to try respite service for two weeks and visit the grandkids. Mom will get over it and probably forget you left. Those days with grandbabies are short and will last the children 70 years. Blessings.
I have 4 living siblings who have chose not to be a part of my parents life, since I moved them with me. I have a brother who has told my Mom he will be stopping by to see her on his way traveling through. I feel all kinds of ugly things about this, which I would never say to my Mom. She loves her children whether they love her back or not. So, she is excited about his visit. I am sick about it because now I just hope he actually shows up, its been years since she has seen him(his choice). I would like to say all kind of things to him, my human does not want him in my home. But, I would never not allow anyone to see my Mom, if she wants to see them. If we hold on to these resentful feelings it just promotes illness in us. While as a previous poster said, they do not feel guilty. So, allow your Mom her visit with her daughter. Unless your Mom doesn't want to see her. But either disappear for a while, or stay and be civil. But do not let resentment fester into bitterness and hatred. It is so not worth it.
May God bless. Hope you find peace.
You can't change people that have entitlement issues but you can minimize contact.
I think when people don't help they don't get a say, so if you have plans for a lovely mother's day for you and mom, go enjoy and let sister plan a different day. You have all the power and don't need to let your none to bright sister wreak havoc on your peace.
NO ADVANCED NOTICE
The OP isn't busy on Mother's Day, she hasn't made alternative arrangements, she just doesn't want to see her sister's smug fat face on that day or any other - Mother's Day isn't the point. It's how to enable visits to the mother without the OP wanting to smash her sister's head in, that's the issue.
And ideally, make it work *well* so that the mother has a nice time and the sister is encouraged to do more, more often.
I feel for you. I have been caring for my mom since 2005. My brothers don’t help, never have. I hosted large holiday meals for many years. Last year I said to my mother that I was stopping the big holiday meal thing and I felt so liberated! My mom got upset for a short time but amazingly said that she understood how I felt. That was a nice surprise and a relief. I still cooked, but just for my kids, husband, mom and me.
What hurts is that everything is expected from the full time caregiver. Also the criticism from them can really get under my skin. Having said that, truly futile to try and resolve any issues with them, so I stopped trying for my own sanity. I used to think I had to say something just to get it off of my chest, only to feel miserable afterwards by their selfishness and stupidity.
Now, I pretend that I am an only child. My mom has multiple children but I look at myself as an only child, get it?
My siblings don’t visit on a regular basis either, just for a short while once in a blue moon. They have always been off doing their own thing, living their own lives and not having time for family. They aren’t even close to their own kids. I got tired of trying to figure it out or fix it. I like the expression, “Can’t fix stupid!”
I wish you well. You are welcome to pm me if you need to vent. I know how hard you work caring for mom. I am in the same boat. I am not made of money either so I get that it isn’t practical to spend a ton of money. So hard. It’s all so hard. They say every cloud has a silver lining. Sometimes I think that is true. Other times, I say it’s hogwash!
Mom still gets to see her children and since your relationship with your siblings isn’t harmonious then why should you have to spend time with them.
We don’t get to pick our family like we can our friends. Some who have family members that aren’t the nicest people choose to spend time with close friends. I don’t blame them.
This is entirely possible that she has peed where the urge struck, she may have also hid soiled clothing. Gives PD a new meaning, instead of private detective, pee detective.
I want to say, it is okay to put a load down that has become to heavy.
I have no contact with my three siblings at all now - I mean, I will not willingly ever find myself in the same location as any of them again - so I can't exactly cite myself as a "good" example; just one who has been through this to the end.
I haven't asked before and should have because it matters: what, if anything, does your mother say about her other two children?
My siblings did not help or care. They could not “emotionally handle “ seeing Mom and Dad in a sickened state. They rarely visited. My parents knew they wouldn’t. My parents knew them well.
My parents had, unbeknownst to me, written several of my siblings out of their wills. (There were still plenty of people left in).
i have been sued by the ones who were written out. They alleged that I “isolated” my parents and refused visitors— in attempt to gain control over my parents. Fortunately, I never did that. Fortunately I have photos of visitors, family events that I took my parents to, etc. even when I brought my parents To Them!
You may say, “but my parents don’t have anything to leave, but my siblings wouldn’t do this, but I’m best friends with that sister,” etc. you may say all the things I would have said.
Take care. You are not alone. Love every moment with your Mom. They are fleeting.
I don’t blame my parents. What they did was awesome! It has, however been very disappointing to endure.
you have every right who you allow into your home. I have a sneaking feeling you haven’t ever come clean and confronted your sister with your feelings and yes anger. Have you? If not you need to. An undercurrent of unspoken resentment and bitterness isn’t hurting her...it’s damaging you.
Here are two things you stated: "My sister isn’t doing it for my mother, she’s doing it for herself. She can pick my mom up and take her somewhere for lunch. I don’t want her around me." Fine..that's the so,Union then. And then later you went on to say you’d take your sister into your home if she became ill. And you asked WTF is wrong with you (quote)? deep inside you know this isn’t rational.
Tell her how you feel and get it out there. If you can’t do it alone..get an objective third party involved. You might be surprised how much better you will feel.
I have two sisters who live far away and travel here is expensive. Unrealistic, but at times I resented them for it. Realistically I knew it wasn’t something they could help. I think part of it is we think we should be like the Waltons. Everyone being a together family pitching in. Not reality is it? So I look at what am I gaining from this that they aren’t?
Another issue to help you with the resentment is to find ways for a life of your own...it can be done. Find a caregiver that can come in a few times a week so you can feel that you aren’t attached to mom as another appendage.
Please let us know if you have an honest talk with sis.
Why is your mom living with you instead of Assisted Living or a Skilled Nursing Facility? Not casting stones, just asking.