What do you do when you have given your best and have no more to give so you have to let a caregiver take over now?

You realize you have done your best - more than many people can do - and that you need help with caregiving. Then you can help oversee the care and be fresh to visit your loved one. Please, please don't feel guilty. You are getting help so your loved one can have the best care possible. It's rare for one person to be able to do it all long term.
Take care of yourself so you can be there for you loved one. Otherwise, you could be the one who dies first - then what? Please do get help, pronto.
Carol

Even when you bring in someone else to help, which is a caring and loving thing to do, your role is not over -- it just changes. And now you may be able to come at it with most rest and energy. Your loved one still needs you to advocate with health providers, insurance companies, and perhaps social services. But above all your loved one needs your love. You will still be providing that in a way not one else can.

Hang in there! You have a new role to play!

I agree with Carol-as you have done your best-and there is No Reason to feel an ounce of guilt. Perhaps you now need to get away from it all-and take some "much needed-Me Time"....
Best,
Hap

Sandraann, you need to recover from your exhaustion and be the daughter. You can read in many places, and hear from other realistic caregivers: "It is impossible for one person to do the job of caregiving." You are probably suffering from PTS, and it will take time for you to "normalize". Think about yourself for a change and learn to TRUST that things in your life will fall into place. Big Hugs, Christina

Sandraan, your answer was in your question . . . "when you've given everything you had . . ." and you find yourself in an emotional (and possibly financial) bankruptcy, then it's time to step aside and tend to yourself again for a while. Another subscriber to this site told me that I deserve some time and some care of myself. After crying for awhile, I realized that a perfect stranger could see what I was refusing to see. So I'm passing this wisdom on .. . you are the only you in the whole world and you are important, so take care of yourself! Hugs. . .

I can relate to what you are experiencing because I am in the same dilemma. I too have asked myself the question: When is enough....enough? Because honestly, I feel that I am emotionally and physically drained. But each day I am blessed to see, I will continue to place one foot in front of the other and fulfill the role I have assumed. My advice to you is....do not get to this point. You are important! You are valued! Because without you, there is nothing else! Everything ceases. Please take care of yourself.

That is the honest truth. Heed this advice before you really get ill and can't take care of anyone. God bless you.

It means you are doing the right thing, in giving your loved one the right care, even if it can no longer be directly from you. You will provide them someone to take proper care of them, the way it should be, without the emotional mess that does neither of you any good.

Sandra, don't think of this as a failure. Think of it as 'a changing of the guard' instead.

Danashelchan,

I'm really taking your words to heart this very moment. Mom and I exchanged some very ugly words this morning and I finally told her this situation does not work anymore. She lives with my husband and son and I. I told her that she needs to live elsewhere and I will find a senior living place for her. Of course, everything that has ever happened bad in her life is now personally my fault. She loves to play the victim and guilt everyone out.

My otherwise very healthy dad died of a brain tumor last December after caring for her needs for years. I feel like I'll follow in his footsteps if things don't change. My blood pressure is through the roof and there she sits downstairs, smack dab in the middle of our living space, refusing to eat and giving me dirty looks. The stress I'm feeling right now is incredible!!!

I can imagine your stress levels and can so relate right NOW! OMG, though she manages to get the words out on occasion, I do not believe her one iota that she appreciates anything, just another manipulation. I told her at some stress point that I think she must be the most unappreciative person I have ever known. She lashed back at me that, "No, I am not." I said, really then, who do I know that is less appreciative than her . . . she said, "You!" I had to chuckle to myself on that one, guess she didn't know what to say, so she retorted to the "I-know-you-are-but-what-am-I" scenario. OMG. I went for a physical earlier this week, and it took forever because they had to have my blood pressure within a certain range and mine was too high. Scary, that is how she started then had the stroke at age 60--I am 58 . . . God help us.

That is such an uncomfortable situation all the way around for you. OMG, at least I can avoid mom if I am to the point of strangling her (or vice versa!). I can really relate with the medical issues and the following in footsteps, I am in the boat with you (Hi!). So don't rock it, ok? Jk, you and your "boys" as well need to have some sense of normalcy and have you, Mama, back taking care of them. Hugs.

Dear Dizzyrider,
Maybe we expect things we aren't likely to get -- I know that was part of my difficulty with taking care of my mom. When I stepped back I recognized that Mom doesn't like the fact that she needs help, it makes her feel dumb, pathetic, and depressed. When she acts unappreciative and snarley, she is mad -- but not really at me (or at least I've convinced myself of that!). She's just mad at this situation -- her body won't respond the way she wants it to, she can't remember things she's known all her life, she can't remember words well enough to get a sentence out most of the time . . . this isn't her.

You are loved and appreciated, but piled on top of those feelings are all the feelings of anger, disappointment and confusion in your parent suffocating the good feelings. Please get a good night's sleep and wake up believing that YOU are a good and compassionate person doing the very best you can in an incredibly difficult situation. Whether or not the person you are caring for acts appreciative, please know that all of us out here going through the same thing understand and support you. You are loved and you are not alone. Please check in tomorrow and let us know how you are doing. We care. I care!

Dizzyrider,

I am at the point where the expression, "You can't unring a bell," has happened. No matter what, the things that were said can't be undone or forgotten. Forgiven, yes, but the damage has been done to the point where I want her somewhere that can provide for her wants and needs much better than I can as one person.

Mom has fallen a lot lately but refuses to use a gait belt, a lift chair, anything reasonable that will help her or my aching back. She's a tiny person but I'm not that much bigger, plus I'm going to be 51 next week and have suffered a really traumatic back injury that is acting up. It's the mental and emotional stress that is the worst. Nothing ever really is 'right' or pleases her. She's always 'suffering' in one way or another, no matter what I do.

I'm done with that, really and completely done. She has the financial wherewithall to afford the best of care. She's says I'm sticking her someplace with strangers just to get rid of her. That's why I've busted my rear end for 8 months since my dad was diagnosed and died of a brain tumor. I drove 600 miles nearly every weekend for three months, held dad's hand when he was dying in hospice because it was just too hard for her to leave the house (she visited him once, while asking where she was everyday during his 2 week stay), planned his funeral, cleaned and painted her whole house, packed 48 years of stuff and moved it 300 miles, unpacked it, had a huge garage sale...just so I could stick her someplace.

It must be dementia or narcissism, because how could she not see all that I and my family have been through? She hasn't seen a doctor in years, except for her broken knee episodes. She refuses. I have no idea if she is losing it mentally or is just plain mean. Whatever it is, I don't need that type of poison attitude living in my home.

Hugs to all that are going through this cr*p. It's an insane amount of stress that probably most of us didn't anticipate just trying to do the right thing by our parents. Sometimes it just doesn't work and I'm finding out that's okay.

It is OK. It is absolutely OK, Windytown. You don't need a poison attitude in your home. If you mother can afford the best of care and she doesn't think you are it, then she should get it elsewhere. Of course she is probably wrong and there is no better care than what you can provide, but that, I'm afraid, is her problem, not yours. If you have given it your best shot and it just isn't working out, then something else needs to be done.

Poor Mom. She has had a lot of genuine trauma, with the death of her husband and moving away from the area she knew well. She is entitled to be grieving and to be out of sorts. She is not entitled to take you down with her. You have lost your father, and have had your life throughly disrupted. Too bad you can't be a comfort and consolation to each other. But that is not the way it is, and you have to deal with reality.

Best wishes to you as you put your decision into action.

I agree with jeanne, windytown, in that it is OK when things cannot work out the way we or whoever wishes they would. We can say it is unfortunate that it couldn't, but that is not so traumatic, especially when there are several alternatives for your mum. Money can't buy happiness but, believe me because I have seen both sides, it sure as hell helps toward it! OMG, I have made so many bad choices, wrong decisions, downright stupid moves that always seemed to work out earlier in life. With the economy taking a dump, and landing in my front yard, I feel about as useless as tits on a bull! I can understand why some of my former "friends" have shunned me, they never knew I was so demented in the 15 years we worked together, etc. We had $250,000 from the sale of our home, and put it all down on another one because we are both retired and wanted to have the lowest house payment possible and now it is just gone--like magic dust, poof! Believe me, I have gotten so upset and angry with my mother during these past two decades that I have said things that can never be taken back--or, as you put it, forgotten. I do not feel great about that, however, I cannot lie and say that I said these things out of anger and didn't really mean them--I did; and do.I know anger is not a healthy emotion, but I also know that stuffing everything and listening to mom's criticism and gossip about me and my boyfriend was eating me alive. I do not regret saying these things because I am not one to fly off the handle over nothing and blow up. I take a lot, I mean a lot of abuse from mom before I finally get enough. I look at her situation, how angry and helpless she feels, how she has to depend on somebody to clean up her crappy clothing, pull up her diaper, change her dirty clothes, launder her sheets and clothing to get the brown stains to a minimum. I feel like I am 8 years old again and trying to please mommy, but I cannot. Sure, she probably appreciates me, deep down, because her other children don't give her the time of day, except phone calls on a semi-regular basis, probably to see what is the latest with me and Richard and what trash they can talk about what losers we are. My younger sister has said from the git-go that if it were up to her, mom would be in a NH. Simple as that. I guess that gives her permission to avoid helping me in any way and see mom only when there is something in it for her. My brother thinks I should be doing more for mom, though I have been her caregiver since 1988. Even back then, we had someone living in to care for mom but she had a day and 1/2 off every week-end, so I tried to set things up where we would care for her on a rotating basis, which only seemed fair to me; but he told me that when he hears the phone ring and sees that it is me calling him, he doesn't even want to pick it up because he knows I am going to ask him to do something. When he told me that, I just kept staring at him, trying to grasp what he was telling me, because I couldn't believe my ears that he would be so unwilling to put in his share of hours when he was always mom's favorite--and still is, by the way, no qualms about it. I was the middle child who always tried to make peace, help whoever needed help and give of myself, my time, my money, for family? I didn't blink an eyelash, I thought that is what family was for. Boy have I ever had a rude awakening as an adult. No, that is what my job was, everyone else's was to see how much they could drag me down to their level, how much they could get against me to make me look bad, and come to find out, mom was right in there with them.
The only real love came from my dad, now deceased, and my youngest sister, who was botn with severe cerebral palsy. She has been thru so much hell in her little life, seen so much ugliness, has never been able to talk or walk properly, had so many spills, broken bones and lived in snake pits they used to place the developmentally disabled in,suffered abuse and couldn't even tell anyone. That was after my parents trying to care for her for the first 13 years of her life and finally had to let regional center take over. Would you believe that she is like an angel, laughs more than the rest of the family put together, enjoys simple things like I Love Lucy television and Patsy Cline music--she can watch or listen to them over and over again, and enjoy each time as much as if it were the first. She lives about 65 miles away from mom and me now, so I don't get to see her nearly as much, no time because I cannot leave mom for long and short on patience when I do manage to get her here for the week-end, not to mention the cost of gasoline and I receive zero for helping mom, up until a few months ago when I insisted she pay me something, then went around and around before she gave in. My siblings live withinabout 5 miles of her and NEVER so much as stop by to see her, do not include her in family get togethers, except if I go get her and bring her home. I would say except for a total of about 5 times they have reluctantly agreed to pick her up for me, but I finally gave up and don't even ask any more, I just go get her if and when I am able. She has so much to offer, so much can be learned from her and seeing her face light up when she sees me, the true, pure love of a child with no strings attached, no gain except to spend time with her family, I just hurt for them being so self-absorbed to let that happen,there is so much I cannot and will NEVER understand; but, then, I really don't want to. I guess I should envy the others, going off on vacations, cruises, working and saving money. Yet they have nothing but criticism toward me and how I am after mom's money! I guess they forgot about the first two decades of my caregiving when I paid for most everything, until I went broke. Mom helped me get dentures, and they didn't think she should have to do that, I think they enjoyed seeing me toothless and pitiful while they were shiny and new. I gave them whatever they needed or wanted when I was the one with the $$, but they feel no obligation nor desire to help me. Since mom decided a reverse mortgage was in order, I will now have nothing and no place to live when she passes away, though I was a homeowner since my early 20's before becoming her slave and allowing her to make decisions, I thought out of respect for her. But I guess it was really mainly laziness on my part. I do like the person I am, would never want to be like my other two siblings, or my mother, but Isure wish I could have my life back to what it was before the big boom. Ah, well, live and live, right? and hopefully, learn someday! God bless you and all of us who give so unselfishly. I never claimed to be nor wanted to be perfect, but in comparison, I am closer to it than I knew! Take care, and don't sweat the small shit--and it is all small shit. Take care of yourselves, because nobody else probably will, ok? I am so grateful to have these forums to vent and cry and let it all out. Good night now.

Dizzyrider: First, hugs to you! What a hard time you are struggling with, between your unappreciative mother and your siblings and the economy and your own health. Yikes!

I know you are venting, and that is perfectly reasonable. This is a good place to do that. So I don't take everything you say as the whole truth -- it is true, but probably not the entire picture.

Can I ask you a simple question (that probably has a complicated answer)? Why are you continuing to be the sole caregiver? Why isn't Mom in a long term care facility, or with hired help coming in? Why aren't you living near the sister you love, getting joy out of your days, and bringing more joy into hers?

Dizzyrider my heart breaks for you would you be able to live with your boyfriend someplace if yes move out and tell the rest of your rotten family they have two weeks to place her in a nursing home and you can get back to living a life-your family will have to jump in and you will be out from under slavery-they can get social service to help and you and your boyfriend can start living a life of your own-I am glad you have someone. Write on my wall anytime and I will get back to you .

I have been at this for so long, it seems like a way of life. We moved out of county because homes were less expensive out here, and it was OUR home when we purchased it, though it is mom's and the banks' now. Still I have all of my belongings, my boyfriend's belongings and mom's, and my two doggies (who have probably been most responsible for holding my sanity!). I do love my mother, though I have a lot of resentment toward her, and do not want to have any regrets when she does pass. I feel like the other siblings have abandoned her, and they are the ones missing out, both with my youngest sister and mom, in my opinion. I think it sucks that they think of themselves to such an obsessive degree and know that they must feel some guilt and will regret it someday. The last thing I want to do is sink to their level. We have lived out here for over 4 years now, so I have lost touch with many friends, some have moved away and some have passed away, and I have made new connections here now, as well have a good chance at starting a new job as soon as next week. The timing does not seem right but, then, it never does. I guess when it boils right down to it, I have few connections where I am from any more, have nowhere to live except here for now, and don't have enough income to live on--my boyfriend has been unemployed for some time now, and he has problems of his own. Never did I think I would look to him for support, but most of the time he is the closest thing I have to it. He has finally decided that he can help with mom more than he has ever been willing to before. With him here, I know mom will be alright, though he doesn't wait on her enough to suit her! He is the only reason I am able to even contemplate going back to work after 9 years in retirement. The only outside work I have done is this past tax season I trained for and prepared income taxes. Though the pay was crap, it gave me a sense of worth, gave me an opportunity to earn some extra income and got me out of the house. I worked with some good people, most of which were going through difficult financial times as well. The work wasn't something I was really cut out for, but it was a good experience all in all. It probably gave me the courage to find the job I am hoping to start, because I could't get past my an application or interview before, then usually didn't even hear back. I have joined the county program to look for work, which is how this one evolved, and I really believe it is what I need for so many reasons. I am hoping to get a more positive outlook as I will not be here day in, day out, and consider it a step in the right direction. When I am depressed, I cannot function as well or think things through as when I am able to get away from it all. I guess what I am saying is that, though the current situation is not good, it is familiar--and safe to some degree. Even with knowing this is not a healthy situation, I am reluctant to make any serious changes, because I would rather do nothing than make a decision I will live to regret. I have done too much of that during these past years, and am not nearly as confident in myself as I once was. As far as help coming in, mom cannot afford it on a regular basis, but we do have a gal that comes in to bathe her and take care of her living quarters. Though her insurance quit paying for it las of the first of this year, I have managed to convince mom to keep her on at regular pay. Any pay I am to receive has this lady's pay deducted from it, which is fine with me, because I know I would have blown a fuse by now had it not been for this 4 hours per week that I know mom is being well cared for. Another blessing is that my good sister lives in a group home that takes good care of her. Some of the places she lived in the past have been terrible, but during the last 10 years, regional center has improved their services for developmentally disabled about 90%. I am so grateful for that, you can't even imagine. It used to be that my sis would act out so badly when it was time for her to go back home from a week-end with me, that I couldn't even drive her home by myself; she would try to open the car door on the freeway, pull my hair while I was driving, etc. She now gets teary when time to leave, but is actually happy to see the staff and other residents when we get there, and goes in the car without incident. This has been the case for probably about 3-4 years now, thank God! She was close with our dad, and my dad would come out from south dakota, really, just to see my sis. Of course, he would see all of us while here, but I can honestly say he would not have bothered at his age had it not been for Diane (my youngest sis's name). He and mom divorced before mom had the stroke, otherwise, he would have cared for her as long as he lived; he was a good man, and I wish I would have listened to him more and my mother less, but I never quite saw or understood the dynamics of this screwed up family until late. While daddy was dying of cancer back in s.d., my brother and I planned to go back to see him, I was looking forward to it because I was getting away, too; then mom decided she wanted to go with us. Alas, but I stuck to my guns and said if she was going, I was bringing Diane, too. Everyone including my dad discouraged this, because it was not an easy feat; but, I figured Diane was closer to my dad than anyone, and it was important that she see him before he died. With two wheelchairs (mom and diane), plane trip with transfer, renting SUV to hold us all, we must have been crazy to attempt such a thing! As it turned out, of course, it was the very best thing that we could have done, both for diane and dad--and everyone concerned. Not saying it was easy, had to throw one of the chairs on top of the rental at times when dad was with us, but good things aren't usually the easiest! Thanks, again, all for listening and your heartfelt responses to this unusually difficult situation that I have taken on. Hugs and best wishes to all of you good people!