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My Dad has dementia, depression, continuing weight loss, and macular degeneration. Although living in an assisted living wing of wonderful retirement community he shows NO interest in participating in activities, improving himself through physical therapy, or even going to mealsunless strongly encouraged. He stays often in bed until noon. Antidepressant had adverse side-effect. Lived large in younger years building and flying airplanes, traveling, etc. Now is not driving, or expressing interest in anything. Help! I'm sad, depressed, and feeling helpless about helping him feel better about life.

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Even if he never seemed to really care for it, he might like to listen to music or songs from his youth? My mom will sometimes sing along to familiar tunes. Also, you may want to ask about the meds he is taking. As others have said, you should not feel responsible for the way your father feels and acts. It is difficult to see your parents change. My mother loved books and literature and she now only glances at the pictures on magazines...Take care of yourself
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I do want to salute all the caregivers on this forum who are caring for an elder in their home. Not only do I believe that all of us caregivers will receive a reward in heaven some day, but I believe there are even more special rewards for those who are providing full-time care for a loved one in their own home. My mother used to say: "Just do the best you can." and certainly that is what each of us is doing. I also try to live my life so that I will have no regrets later.
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It is hard letting someone go on to be where they are. All you can do is provide love, companionship within an ulterior motive, and support when needed. If you are inclined to see if something interests him, keep those activities in alinement with his interests: a model or an airplane he used to fly to put together, books on vintage planes he used to fly~ things that tap his rich history to ground him a bit. Good luck and always know you can only do so much: your dad is the author of his life at whatever stage he is in.
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My dad passed away two years ago after being after being seriously ill for four...needing 24/7 care... ( my parents had moved close to me in 2007) ...my hubby and I moved our bed to their house and I took care of him until he passed. He was a month shy of turning 88 and 2 weeks shy of his 60 wedding anniversay)) Through all of this mom, who is 5 years older was doing pretty good. She had had bouts of TIAs no outward lasting effects ... She had always been the type that saw the glass half empty.. Months after daddy passed, she had a long TIA.. Episode.. We had home health and OT etc..through the last two years she has been in and out of hospital and rehab ... UTIs sinus infections..flu.. She is still able to use a walker with help but is so fearful of falling as the day progresses.. I imagine a type of sundowners as she has more anxiety..sometimes inconsolable in afternoons evenings..she has brain atrophy typical of a 94 .. Almost 95. Has blood pressure issues and was diagnosed with CHF last year.. It has been tough for her..so hard not to be able to do.. I take care of all her needs. But she can feed herself, clean her face. She is scared of going out of the house now.. Course the winter kept us indoors.. I hope we can get out on the porch as the days continue to warm up. The thing is she is so tired, tired of trying tired of eating, tired of drinking... She dwells on these things. I too wish I could figure out how to help her to have the best quality of life at this stage in her life. I Can tell her all day long to look at the beautiful day, pray, see the birds..be happy at what you can do... Relax
Sigh some days it's not so bad... Other days most days...it's all I can do not to argue about what she perceives is so terrible. I get so sad that I can't help her to help herself be happy. We get through the days though..some days are better than others... All I can do is encourage and praise.. Not easy😊...
I guess what I am saying is we can't force them to see our point of view that there are still many joys still to enjoy to make our days happy or at least peaceful... All we can do is be a light for them ( not easy arghhh, I fail most days!) try to stay joyful, maybe when you go to vist your dad, read that book on the screen... Call your brother and sister before hand to prepare your frame of mind.. Kind of have a plan but be prepared to throw it out the window depending on his mood... Does he still walk? If so..encourage him to take a walk with you outside.. If he's in bed.. Just sit by his side... Bring him some of his favorite foods..although he may turn his nose up at..maybe ask your brother and sister what he does like. Foods my mom loved ..she doesn't care for and also her teeth make it hard for her to chew...
Call him and leave him messages if he doesn't answer.. Even if it is a one sided conversation.. 2 minutes make a huge difference..
Keep trying...try to keep your emotions in check...breath and be joyful... Same with your mom..make time for yourself away from all your responsibilities ..even an hour can help. Can stress enough time to take care of you!
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Judda is Dad getting any kind of anti anxiety medications. Just a little something might calm him enough. Is he living independently or with supervision and at what level. Can you take him out in the wheelchair and just walk around in the sun or do you think that would upset him to leave his room. has he got to the stage where he needs a higher level of care?
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Thanks for all your suggestions. I thought of textured objects but he would be insulted with such things: at this stage. He wants to carry on a conversation but can't understand and can't hear, even if you shout in his face. I ask him a question but he doesn't like to talk either. He is too restless to just sit and jumps up thinking he has to take his pills, or see if his phone works, or to just obsess over something. And no matter how many times you try to answer his same questions, he keeps obsessing and demanding things.

The only thing I could see is he has a reading machine that projects print onto a large screen; so he might read a book, but getting the initiative and drive to do anything seems like a monumental task. From month to month I see my Dad decline rapidly. He does look like he is wasting away.

Also, what's frustrating is since I live an hour and a half away and am in charge of helping my Mom in this neck of the woods (by myself), my brother and step sister are too busy juggling jobs, other relationships, and don't fill me in on how to have a visit with Dad. I had to call my brother and try to calm myself down:
"I need some clues! Help! I can't make the computer work to show him things I might share, I don't know how to turn on his TV with the 4 remote controls, I don't see anything in the refrigerator to eat or to cook with, and I don't know how to just BE with him."

I got home all emotionally exhausted and needing an extra amount of sleep. Next day my mother calls, "Judy, I'm bleeding!" Another UTI. The doctor tested so far reveal too much protein in the urine: might signal kidney trouble.
Where do you all find the strength to go on and be strong for them?
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My dad is 75 and does next to nothing, and he's at home. He sits in his recliner all day. He cannot hold a conversation. I have to see and smell him every day. I've given up trying to get him to go for walks, watch a movie, listen to a book on tape, or anything else. He wants to do nothing, and doing nothing is something. Sometimes, there's nothing you can do. At least your dad is in a facility and getting medical care, cleanings, etc. My father won't go to the doctor or clean himself properly. My life is on hold waiting. I'm not very patient.
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The loss of a home is extremely painful coming next to loosing a spouse or child. Your "stuff' is gone. Even though you knew you would never be able to use certain things again, you hang on to it in the hope that one day you will be able to complete those things you plan in your head. Suddenly reallity slaps you in the face and you are adrift in a tiny boat with just your teddy bear for company. of course Mom wants to remain in daughters home, what other strange place would she want to go to. Grieving takes a long time and at her age it takes longer than nine months. Everytime I have suffered a great loss it takes me two years to get over it and move on. of course you have bent over backwards to make Mom happy and comfortable and deep down she knows and appreciates your efforts. This is not about you. It is about her. She is not rejecting you and all you have done she is rejecting the situation she finds herself in. So be patient and loving but don't expect miracles allthough you may get one in time or not.
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I can really relate to these comments. My father is almost 92 years old, living in a care facility, is in a wheelchair with round the clock care, and has some kind of dementia ( not formally diagnosed, but presenting as of the frontotemporal variety). He has little interest in doing anything anymore, aside from watching TV. I try to keep his morale up by calling and visiting at regular intervals, all the while trying to taking care of myself too so that I remain energized to help Dad.
It is hard to see that old friends do not call anymore, because Dad's "conversational skills" have declined dramatically. Dad will still cast an eye toward his phone message machine every time he is wheeled into his apartment, but alas there are no messages there. Our family is grateful for the wonderful hands-on care that Dad is receiving at his care home, and we continue to do our best to do our part. It helps to read others' comments here, because truly we are all in this together.
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I truly believe this is a more difficult time for you than for your father. It's always hard to watch someone you love deteriorate. He's doing what he's comfortable with. Withdrawing from life is part of the dying process and may go on for quite some time. With dementia, he can no longer respond the way you would like; the world is a foreign place to him now. All you need to do is be with him, talk without expecting much in return, and let him know you love him. I went through this with my husband and my heart goes out to you. May you find peace knowing your father led a full life; he will feel your peace when you visit him and that will make this period of his life more tolerable. Bless you for your caring heart...
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Thank you, txcamper,
I do get what you are saying completely. Even when my mom was still living in her home, she was totally non-independent and I was taking care of all of her needs basically. I would travel up a couple times per week to make sure everything was set for her, take her to all appts, grocery shop etc. So, while she wasn't at all "independent" I guess the key point is that is was "her house" and the place she had called home for over 60 years. She has now lived with us for almost 9 months, so I wasn't expecting her depression regarding the sale of her home to this extent. I thought she had made the transition. I am trying to "walk in her shoes." I have definitely decided through all this that I will not live with any of my kids. I will live closeby, hopefully, but not in their homes.
At least, I hope I will have that option. I thought maybe my mom could (would want to ) purchase a small, assisted living type home close to ours, but she insists she wants to stay with us. So, onward and upward, day by day. My mom has always been somewhat depressed so this has only magnified the problem, and yes, she is on some medication. Thanks, everyone, I really appreciate your help and understanding so much.
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justme456: Perhaps it is time to look into a social worker to talk with and help lift your mom's spirits. Age 90 is very elderly, and poor health conditions plus loss of independence, loss of apparent identify and isolation can be very upsetting for someone in that situation. Your situation is included in my prayers.
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It might be time to call hospice in for at keast an evaluation.
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justme, she is grieving the loss of her life as an independent woman. She has lost her bearings.

Picture yourself moving in with one of your children. I have done that before, on a temporary basis, and no matter how much you love each other, you're a third wheel. I would cook dinner but it wasn't my kitchen. The whole dynamic changed between me and my daughter, I was out of my element. But anyway, I can totally relate.
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It helped me a lot to read these comments today. I find myself getting so frustrated with my 90 year old mom who lives with us and her lack of interest in just about anything. She watches tv nonstop most of the day and only gets up to go over and do her crossword puzzles. (yay for that, I am so happy she does those). I practically have to force her to eat and then it is only small bites. Her fluid intake is so low and I know that causes many problems, but she really sees no need to cooperate with me. She just sold her house of 65 years and she is so sad and I do understand and empathize with that feeling she is experiencing. However, it's hurtful for me to hear her say everyday that she "doesn't know where she belongs anymore." I am bending over backwards to make her life comfortable and happy, at the expense of my own health and happiness, and yet, she feels awkward living with us. This is a very lonely, difficult road. My heart goes out to her, but mine is aching...
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Injuries, extreme weight loss, called a wasting condition, and several health conditions were the reason my mom slept much of the day but poorly at night. My mom lived to age 95 last year. At age 92 when she suffered a back injury from a fall, Mom slept about 10-15 hours daily. From age 93 to 95 and in assisted living, Mom slept about 20 hours daily until she passed last November 2014. Her congestive heart condition started when she was 88 years old and just kept getting worse until she required oxygen about three days before she died. Her last expression was a smile just hours before she passed!
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NJ Cinderella was right on point. We have to go with the flow. There is no way to breath new life into someone who is getting ready to let go. Familiar surroundings are what matter the most, too much stimulation just causes anxiety. Be there hold his hand read if he is not deaf, show him pictures if he can see. Do not leave the TV on to entertain him. Give him a soft afghan or soft toy to hold. If he has a favorite foods take him something and feed a small portion, getting someone in this stage to do things for themselves is counterproductive.
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My Mother is sort of the same way. When I visit her sometimes we just sit quietly and watch t.v. together. She still likes to keep her nails nice so she sat and filed her nails and we watched t.v.

We always had that kind of relationship where we were comfortable enough with each other where we didn't feel we had to talk. It was nice.
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I think the friendship idea would help but it is very difficult to find much for friendships in assisted living facilities. Most elderly do keep to themselves and sleep a fair amount no matter how active and socially involved they were in their younger years. If he still can recognize you and speak, that is a blessing in itself at 90.
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As his dementia progresses he will lose interest in everything and you will see a mental and physical decline. This doesn't mean he will never participate in anything. He's 91, perhaps tired and maybe don't feel like being an active participant or maybe cognitively doesn't understand. He can participate in passive activities such as music, books on tape, short tv shows, conversations if he still is speaking or someone can read to him. A sensory box has a variety of items that spark the senses; fun fur, sandpaper, sea shell, satin, velvet, rough & smooth rock, feathers, fragrances such as lemon, orange, chocolate, cinnamon, vanilla, a variety of chimes, nature cd, colorful items such as a squishy ball in a bright color, food items such as a banana, orange, snack cake, pickle anything that can spark all senses. Be supportive of him, encourage him but don't badger. good luck
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Judda, I'm sorry your visit was so sad for you. But it wasn't for him, was it? I wish I could get through to my brother, who seems to be so riddled with guilt that he solves it by just staying away, that if he wants to make mother happy all he has to do is turn up from time to time. Visits don't have to be *for* anything. Take a book, sit by his bed, while away an hour reading something you like, or maybe - if you think it might filter through - reading aloud something old and familiar that you know he likes.

Mind, I realise you're still going to miss terribly the person your father used to be. Nothing anyone can do about that, I'm afraid. He's not gone, but he is going, and it is very, very hard - again, I'm so sorry.
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Your description of your loved one made me think of parents with disabled children. In the absence of engagement (as with autism or mental disabilities) they will try to reach their child through things like touch or music. For an adult it can seem like 'once an adult and twice a child'. It's just a suggestion but maybe try to engage him in new things, as those things he loved are past. Appeal to his senses through touch - a hug, a held hand or shoulder as you talk to him? Music can be a great sensory tool as well as pleasant smells and stimulating surroundings. Perhaps something of the past planes could be brought to him through video/audio/objects that encourage discussion. I agree with the commenter who suggested you also just keep showing up. Just knowing your there can be a comfort to him, as well as loving conversation. I don't know what you'll make of all that but hope that it's at least some food for thought. Bless u.
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its always helpful to be empathetic and put ourselves in others' shoes---91 wow. That's a long life! What do you "expect" of him at that age in terms of activity? Is it realistic? Sometimes we have to start preparing to let go and I believe its nature's way when they start sleeping a lot, not eating and withdrawing.

The other day I was missing my grandmother but then realized that if she hadn't passed away at 92, she would be 102 this year and would have lost her at some point between 92 and 102 anyway so is the loss any harder back then as it would have been later?

We all pass on. Sometimes its heart breaking to read about all the herculean things people are doing to keep their LOs alive when deep down we all know we have an expiration date. I have a relative that just passed away yesterday from stage 4 cancer. He was in the hospital the past 2 weeks and his adult children were doing all they could to keep him alive until finally the hospital said its time for hospice. He was in hospice for less than a week before he passed away. What happened these past 3 weeks? Yes, he was alive for 3 more weeks but what was the quality of his life? What was gained and for who?

These are rhetorical questions. I'm hoping to maybe inspire some to reflect about all the things they are doing for "one more day." Best of luck to you.
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Just saw my Dad yesterday. He lives an hour and half away. He's 95, almost 96. It was an awful visit. He can't see, can't hear, and can't process much info. He lives alone in an independent senior place with only a few activities. He smiled once to see me but it ended sad: I couldn't do a thing for him and all I could do was drive him to a restaurant. He was uncomfortable going 5 miles away. I am so sad. I think he's withdrawing from life. How can you communicate with a parent with so many disabilities?

He has other people visiting him: my brother, once a week, my step sister does the best job looking after him but her Mom has severe Alz, is in a home. It's such a heart breaker.
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My mother is a lot like that. She is really depressed being old and refuses to accept it and will often refuse to leave her room, getting more depressed being alone with too much time for self pity. She's now on Zoloft and it appears to be helping her. Also, she just made a friend in AL and is now more participative. Maybe your father's doctor could try another antidepressant? Also, I notice that Mom does better once she has a friend to do things with. Maybe you could find someone close to his age and experiences to sort of buddy them up? It always helps to have someone to talk to and commiserate with, and being with one person is not as uncomfortable as being in a group especially when one is handicapped. Mom is deaf and doesn't do well in groups, in IL she wouldn't eat dinner and would go back to her room if she didn't see someone she knows well to sit with. At AL they have assigned seats and that makes her feel secure. Maybe you Dad would do better with a friend.
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No mystery here. He does not get up and make the effort to go to meals. he can't find the f****ing way to the dining room and when he gets there he can't see his fork or identify that orange blob on the plate in front of him. He feels safe in bed end of story. He is not hungry and he's had enough of this life. His friends are all dead and he can't stand the other old farts, who are asleep in front of the TV in the lounge. If they want to sleep all day why not in the peace and quiet of their room not dragged out into a geri chair or W/C, but most of them can't speak for themselves. The healthcare team thinks they should be out of bed to prevent bedsores and have interesting things going on around them. Well I have news for them it is very stressful to have constant motion going on around you that you can not and do not want to participate in. I like the golden girls but not 24/7 and forget the sports chanel. Sorry this is not the rant thread but just how I see things from a becoming older point of view with increasing physical limitations.
i can imagine the capt in his bunker with a steel door and an tiny slit they can pass the paper through but strong enough to keep out the most persistant social worker. He'd probably have a booby trap bucket filled with some unmentionable noxious substance riged so when they got too annoying he'd pull a string and laugh himself till he you know what himself. No way he's going to end up in aunt edna's prison. Love your elders keep them safe but do unto others as you would have them do to you.
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Macular degeneration is pretty depressing in and of itself. Nothing fun about losing your vision. Especially when you've led such an active life previously. Just thinking about all the things he used to do, but can no longer do must be depressing. If he's otherwise healthy, I'd try other antidepressants, then I'd look into readers and magnifiers designed for MD. Might read to him sometimes. Good luck and hope he gets to feeling better.
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Is his facility full of 90 - something residents, or are there plenty of 70's, 80's? I have visited some places where the ages are really quite high, and it can be depressing just being cooped up with all 90 - something people. It could be worth looking into a different facility that has a wider age range.
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The support from the answers is helpful. I don't feel as alone. Thanks so much.
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If one antidepressant didn't work, there are plenty more out there.
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