hello everyone, I am new to this community. I am a 49ers old male taking care of my 75 year old mother who suffers from chronic Rheumatoid Arthritis and diabetes .. She is a sweet woman and when my stepfather died in 2013 , the bank took their house back and she moved in with me and my girlfriend and I’ve e been her caregiver ever since .. along story short, I had to get her an apartment of her own and now she is isolated and depressed and I travel a lot for work and have had in home care at times and try my best to manage her doctors visits , meds and see her as often as possible .. But now there are definite signs of cognitive decline loss of perspective .. All I do is worry about her and feel so powerless to help her and am looking into the inevitable Assited living facility but the costs are terrifying and wish I was a millionaire but I’m not .. My first priority now is to visit with her PCP and get her meds right and get a referral for in home care for the time being .. She had Humana dual needs Medicare /Medicade and so I am trying to get as educated as possible to what’s out there and her eligibility .. It’s incredibly overwhelming and stressful .. Love her so much but feel like a terrible son because I am so busy and being around her and witnessing the decline and her inability to take care of herself is a major trigger for me but she’s my mom and want to focus on what I can do .. Any and all suggestions, including support group info for me would be much appreciated .. I’ve read some of your other posts and honestly feel somewhat relieved to know I’m not “alone “.. This is incredibly challenging on so many levels .. Thank you in advance for any guidance .. God bless
Your Mom is 75 and has severe rheumatoid arthritis. I have a 61 year old step-daughter with it, so I know it's no fun, but she is still teaching, gardening and managing a full life. I am 80 and so far, knocking wood, independent. That your step-mom has become early dependent on you may mean that she is overall not in great condition, but I worry that your so soon taking on all her care and managing for her may mean that she has become overly dependent on you. I don't know the two of you so I can't know how much of her own care she is responsible for. But if you have a primary family and a job that has to be your very first obligation and concern, so I am going to say a few things hard to hear but worth chewing on.
1. Change out your G-words. You have a long future ahead with this and words you tell yourself matter. There is no room in any of this for guilt on your part. You aren't an evil doer. You didn't cause any of the problems of your Mom. You are a loyal son with limitations in terms of time and cash. So the right word here will always be grief. Grief that, as you said, you aren't a millionaire. Grief that your Mom and Dad were unable to save and his death left her destitute. Grief that she suffers from a debilitating disease and may be losing some mental capacity, as well. This is GRIEF. Not guilt.
2. Remember always not to use your own money. You need that for your own family if there is one, and for your retirement, for the education of any children you may have, and to make your own last years stable and safe.
3. Discuss options; in home care is not going to be affordable. Even if you were a millionaire that would not see you through many years of it. It would take ever last penny you have and she doesn't have the pennies for it. Your Mom is going to have to go eventually to placement and because she has no assets that will likely be on medicaid.
See an elder law attorney; buy an hour of his time to get straight what options exist. And know that those options are severely limited and some things cannot be changed or fixed. Some things never have a good solution.. You could switch out attorney for a Licensed Social Worker in private practice to discuss options, as well. Worth the money for a few hours of time.
4. You don't mention your own family. Is there one? Are they on board? Do you discuss all involved in this situation with them?
I sure do wish you the best of luck. Are you a member of a faith based community? Do they have a Caregivers Group? Might you consider starting one? The sharing of information is wonderful in community.
Your introduction to us takes in the WHOLE picture, but real life happens a day at a time. But there ARE important foundation blocks to try to maneuver in before the framework can be built.
Deep breath! Take it a day at a time. Let us know the single problem bothering you most today. And welcome to the community.
I had severe, raging, crippling RA symptoms. All gone when I first went on a antibiotic protocol + methotrexate, (off of all that now). And very important to maintaince and no further eruptions, I stopped eating nighshade vegetables. Doesn't work for everyone. Works like a charm for me. Research Road Back Foundation. This site will also help you find a medical practictioner of this protocol in your area.
Re: Support -
What state do you live in?
No matter. If you can't find a helpful support group of caregivers in your area, (and btw you don't have to stick to the 1st, 2nd or 3rd group you try on for size…) you're welcome to join, online, the group I've found which is run by Insight Memory Care Ctr in Northern VA. One of the caregiver attendees lives in Connecticut. https://www.insightmcc.org.
Support group meetings, are free and they offers optional beginner caregiver groups through to a grief support group. Some beginners prefer and are welcome to join those that have been at it for many years. Some beginners prefer being with their piers. You'll feel like you hit the jackpot.
Senior adult day care centers are available but you will find that those dedicated to folks with dementia are super, super rare but way more affordable than assisted living facilities. Very important to keep a person engaged. Look around, they're beginning to spring up for respit, some are extensions of full service facilities.
Your responsibility is to make sure she's fed, clean, comfortable and safe not by your hands always.
Keep looking for resources through your church, hospital, hospital social worker, government adult services organizations.
Good Luck.
Worry helps nothing. Easy to say, but hard to accept! I feel that your worry will fade as you begin to get some sort of control in the situation. You're doing the right thing to gain more knowledge.
Let her PCP guide you for now, and that may produce some ways to deal with this. Good luck.