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My MIL has Alzheimer's. My sister-in-law is her caretaker. We support each other from a distance (I care for my mom). We found a local Alzheimer's organization that offers Zoom caretaker support and classes. She struggles with boundaries and helping my MIL with food control. My sister-in-law got upset because I reminded her that the workshops are also recorded on YouTube and that they have really good tactics to help manage food and behavior. She stopped talking to me. Her daughter said they are tired of talking about Alzheimer's and need to not hear about it anymore.



Her daughter is 22 and won't drive or help, now that she is in school Her mom has to take her to and from college.



She resents having to have her grandmother live with them, its just the two of them.



My MIL is morbidly obese and pees herself constantly because they don't want to remind her to go to the bathroom or deny overeating.
My sister-in-law will not allow anyone to help her even a few hours a week.
we have offered to call an agency or direct hire by acquaintances



What can we do?

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You cannot control your SIL’s responses to your suggestions. She is entitled to her opinions even if she is lost in delusional thinking.

In your profile you state that you care for your mom. Focus your caregiving on her. Let your SIL deal with her issues with her mom.

Hopefully, one day your SIL will figure out that the best solution for her issues are to place her mom in a facility.
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Until your SIL is willing to accept help, there is nothing you can do. She probably feels your voicing your concerns to be a criticism on what she is doing. Unless she is willing to sit down and have a full blown discussion on what needs to be done you are kind of stuck.
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Back off!
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Your sister in law has asked that you refrain from interfering in the care.
I don't understand what you don't understand about that.
What you are doing is unasked for and intrusive.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 14, 2024
I love this answer, Alva! So very true and very wise advice.

Some people feel the need to continue to try and help others after they have made it abundantly clear that they are not interested in receiving help from them.

I too feel that a person should back off when a person asks them to refrain from helping them. It is intrusive to force the issue.

They shouldn’t continually complain about others not wanting their help.

They should respect their requests and save themselves from the stress, frustration and headaches that are associated with the situation.
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Leave SIL to it. Make no comments to her or others. Be available if/when the day comes that she reaches out for help. And then do only what’s healthy for you while resisting the temptation to say you knew this was coming
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You have given suggestions.
You have given her support in the form of educational information.
You have offered support and help in other ways.
She does not want to accept the help that you have offered.
There is not much more you can do.
If she complains...don't get sucked in.
Just say "I'm sorry you are having a difficult time with MIL"
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I agree in general there isn't anything you can do, unless of course you believe there is elder abuse going on.

I'm not sure where your brother is in all this or how your SIL is the sole adult taking care of MIL. But I assume he is out of the picture.

It is surely very distressing, but as others have said, I would try to take your focus off what you cannot control. Best wishes.
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JoAnn29 Feb 15, 2024
SIL could be from DHs side of the family.
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They have asked you to stop suggesting, so stop.
There are people who love to complain, you suggest, they have an excuse why this can't be done. If she comes to you asking for advice, give it. If she is just compaining, ask do you want suggestions? If not, I don't have time to listen to you complain. I can tell u how to make ur life easier but u don't seem to want the info. And the daughter, about time she learns to drive. Is Mom planning on driving her to her job?

Believe me, your life will be easier if u don't worry about other peoples. I have a 30 yr old grandson who has gone thru alot in the last 10 yrs. He had brain surgery for epilepsy. 3 yrs later he is still weaning off meds. Because of this, he can't take ADHD meds. He did something impulsively that effected his roommate, his Aunt. She has chosen to get her own place and he now has to get his own in the next 2 months. We have all helped him thru his ordeal. Now, time to be on his own. He now can drive, has a good paying job and should be able to find a 1 br apt. Time to grow up.
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One thing is for sure, which is that this is extremely dysfunctional, and the family dynamics have been developing for some time.

You need to leave it all to them. It's sad, but some people can't be helped. This is one of those times. It's not your circus, not your monkeys. I hope you can disengage and let it play out as they apparently wish it to go. However, if you have clear evidence that MIL is being neglected, you should report it to APS and let them deal with it.
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