I have an evening caretaker/companion for my father from 5-8 pm that I adore. She’s actually 80 years young!
I trust her completely to be a good friend to my father! She’s chatty and energetic! Dilemma is that I think she does too much for my father. I am with him all day Sat and Sun, day and eve, so I know that he is capable of doing certain tasks for himself with only prompts. I want him to use his brain to the extent that he can! That old saying, “use it or lose it” as we all know is even more important with dementia patients! I also know that it gives him pride to do things for himself. Recently I was over at his apartment in independent living when the evening caretaker was there, and instead of just prompting him to brush his teeth, she actually went in the bathroom and put toothpaste on his toothbrush! I looked at her incredulously, and sort of made a joke about it, but then said “he can do that himself, you know“. She just kind of giggled and said that she liked doing it for him. Then yesterday I was at dinner with them, and when he went to open the sweetener to put in his tea, she took it from him. She said that she would do it for him. Again, I said to her, “he can do that himself“ and then her response was that same giggle and that “she could do it better”. There was no malice in her statement. He can be messy at the table and maybe that’s why she does it. He tends to leave his packages and the leftover contents of them spewed across the table and does not pick them up before the waiters come around. I am fairly certain that there are other basic self-care tasks that she is doing for him. His executive function is weak already but am concerned that her babying him does not help. So, how to address?! She has become like family and with our age difference, I certainly want to be respectful when I address the situation. I feel she has a difficult time discerning when to step in and when to step back. She is close in age to him so I also wonder if this is just how she is with her own husband and it is difficult for her to be any other way at her age.
You can tell her you need him to do more for himself and not to baby him so much. You're trying to keep him as functional as possible. Yet if it goes in one ear and out the other, she's only there 3 hours in the evening. It's great you've found this wonderful woman that you feel like family with. Most are never that lucky when it comes to parental care.
* Clearly, you need to set boundaries with her so she knows what to do and how to do it.
* Clearly explain procedures. When / if she says (as you indicate) 'she liked doing it for him" or 'she can do it better'. DO NOT ACCEPT her response and let them go. See this as a teaching opportunity to work with her (as) you need to teach her what you want and do not want in her interactions and 'help' / support.
* Respecting her age and having a person interact with your dad in ways that support him are apples and oranges. You can respect her and teach her what you want for your dad (to remain / maintain his independence as long as possible to do for himself what he can do.)
Be clear with her explaining that it isn't a matter of doing something better or you like to do xxx, it is about him doing for himself what he can to maintain his dignity and self-respect. See how she responds to this. (I sense that she would want the same respect for herself as you want for your dad).
Discuss the 'babying him' - and this is not in his best interest.
She may not know how to interact with him other than the way(s) she does.
Be prepared that she won't be able to change OR doesn't want to.
- if appropriate, you could ask her how she would like a person talking to her like that (baby talk). I doubt she'd like it. This strategy may not work - although consider it if appropriate.
* While she is a family friend and older, she may not be appropriate for the care your dad needs. She appears to be unable to differentiate what 'she' wants to do with what is best for him. This is a concern and red flag for you and your dad.
* You need to let her know you are serious - not accept her 'giggles' and move on. This is the moment you need to step up and in to teach her how to work with / support your dad.
* If she cannot understand what your intentions are, you may need to get another person for this position.
* As you like her, work with her for 1-2-3 days and teach her. If she continues to do as she wants, you will know you need to find someone else.
The bottom line here is that you need to feel secure in approaching her and communicating your desires and needs to her.
- Realize you are teaching her 'good skills'
- That you are NOT criticizing or disrespecting her at all.
- You can compliment her on some of her skills, compassion, dedication, etc. WHILE working with her on / in areas she needs to change / adjust.
- Be ready for her to refuse, feel criticized, angry, and leave, or giggle because she is nervous and doesn't know what else to do. She may not have the fortitude / ability to shift as needed. You may trigger her in some ways which cannot be avoided IF you want your objectives for your dad's care met.
In conclusion, you ask "how to address?" - you state your desires and needs clearly - and ask if she understands. You watch her interact with her dad and correct her. It is really simple. Your question indicates to me that you are afraid of her - this is a relationship that will NOT work to / for the benefit of your dad - if you cannot stand up to her for whatever reasons.
Consider keeping her as a friend and separate the work / caregiver position from the friendship. It sounds to me like this might be best. In addition, I would not trust that an 80 year old person has the physical or otherwise, ability to do what might be required. She might be helpful/good as a 'companion to talk to your dad' (if she can do this without the baby talk). Have you asked her why she talks to him like that? It would be interesting to find out. If she cannot talk to him 'like an equal adult' - active listening, you know what you need to do.
It is vitally important to let people do what they can for as long as they can . . . even if food ends up on the bed, table, floor. That is what a bib is for.
Gena / Touch Matters
If he is the "boss", he calls the shots. Since he apparently accepts the "babying", there is nothing you can do except to accept it. He is the "boss".
If you are the "boss", about the only action you can take is to relieve her from her caregiving services since you have attempted to change her behavior and she has failed to do so.
Some people really want to be "babied." It gives them a sense of power and control. They don't care about the future as the future is already bleak. They just want to enjoy what little time they have left. If she does things for him without prompting, he is not going to create a conflict unless it really bothers him.
Personally, she is only over there 3 hours a day. There are 13 other hours (assuming he sleeps for 8 hours) where someone can work with him to ensure his mental facilities stay agile. You could alter his or her schedule so that she has less opportunity to enable him.....
It is possible to find students in graduate school: nursing, psychology, geriatric, social work programs that need part time work. It is a matter of doing research. It is also possible to hire another and split up the hours.
Dont worry about the independence of this is just a couple evenings a week. I don’t like how she referred to doing it better herself since that almost is demeaning him as not being able to do it but if he didn’t take offense let it be. One thing , I think someone partly alluded to ..make sure she isn’t trying to ingratiate herself if he has control of finances and stuff — you don’t want to suddenly find him married to her . This kind of thing happens.
There are a few stories where care takers started taking over. Then it was the caretaker and aging male parent against the daughter. Don't take my word for it. You can look it up on here. I think it is the giggling part that had me go hmm. But I wasn't there. Maybe it didn't come off how it sounds to me. Or how I read it.
I hope you have all finances locked up tight and the house deed on alarm if anyone does a quick deed. I'd rather be thought of as horrible for saying that, than to see you panic and go thru anything. Im probably very jaded bc I had family and parents neighbors do things that everyone was ahocked at. Even my lawyer. I hope everything goes great with your situation tho.
She has completely forgotten she is a paid employee. She is acting like a family member, and disregarding you on purpose. You wrote in, bc you didn't like your instructions ignored, and it's not sitting well with you. And she's acting like she knows better.
If she is disregarding you now, what will it be in future? She is to do what you pay her to do. First and foremost. As soon as you became friends, that blurred the line.
You need to have a talk with her. You can be friendly, but she is first and foremost a paid employee, and your insteuctions are to be followed. He is your father. What you say goes. Better now than after something bigger happens. And it could be a test to see what type of boss you are. I have read about this same issue. That is why I am saying it.
You should nip it in the bud. I worked for a nursing home and a hospital. We were to let pts do what they can. That comes from college med field not just a random person. Yes it takes longer sometimes. You may have to prompt them. It could be done bc it's quicker. But if he can remember, he should be able to do it. It's called independence. Hes not a child and shouldnt be treated as one. We were never to do it. There will be a time when he can't do for himself. Then it should be done. He's not a baby. Letting him do it himself, gives him dignity as an adult.
Besides if everything is done for him, what's he got to do with his life? Sit there like a lump, and let people do everything. Him doing it, contributes to his daily life. He was an independent man most of his life. Would he really want to be a lump of flesh on a pillow having everything done to him and for him? I think he should be given his independence as long as possible.
I know after reading other responses, I know others will think Im awful. I've just seen a lot, and read a lot on here, about getting disrespected and it got worse. Of course, we wouldn't read to many stories about happy situations. There would be no reason to write in. So I'm seeing it from that angle. It's about boundaries.
And you can have fun and hang out, but employer, employee relations comes first. Good luck.
We are (hopefully) all responding here based on what we feel is in the best interest of the "dad" (ideally). It matters little if others here think you're 'awful' - I think you are awfully smart and thoughtful. It is important to share our individual opinions, experience, take on a situation (and some are led by religious beliefs) and the 'shoulds.' This is what a forum is - a collection of differences from our individual perspective, life experience, etc.
Then . . . let the writer take what fits / works for their needs / objectives.
I do appreciate what you say and how you say it.
Do you know how lucky you are? Everyone would love to be in your shoes.
It's only from 5-8 p.m. evenings. You have a superstar working for you.
He's loving it. Men loved to be fawned over. Bring her a bunch of flowers and say, "I don't know what I would do without you!"
If she has a sister in my neck of the woods, send her over, I could use the help.
Amen...
It is showing disrespect and being very selfish, unaware.
Her help may perhaps be a burr under your saddle for some rigid reason of yours regarding how things should be done. If he's okay with it let it slide.
In the giant scheme of things please consider that you should let it be.
Use it or lose it - is so full of bologny with folks with dementia. Nothing helps. It all goes down the drain except for the "memory" of being treated kindly, or feeling safe. Please don't "address it". Her way is simply not your style but it is not wrong, unless she is abrupt. Don't read into things too deeply. Look around you. Are you fortunate to have her care. Does she know enough to call for assistance if there was an emergency and he couldn't make a call.
Ms Giggly would drive me up a wall but I'm hardcore and sharp minded, I think, for now. When I start to fade away how nice a thing would it be for me to have someone cater to me and keep me in cheerful company.
She could have been a more perfect Ms Ratchet type. NG.
No one is perfect. No one, but no one, operates without a touch of ego to a degree with regard to everything they do in their own life and in judgement of someone else's methods.
She takes good care of him and she's got a "thing" about doing things (in her estimation) more efficiently. You also take good care of him "your" way.
It's all whacky. The world is whacky, but the bottomline is your dad is cared for and kept company.
it is all about keeping them feeling loved and safe.
She sounds like a nice lady and sweet companion for dad a few hours a night.
Anyway I agree with all the “let it be” comments
Personally, I would give her a bouquet of roses for going above and beyond to make him feel loved and make sure she understands that it is because she is going above and beyond.
Dementia takes away executive function, no matter what you do or don't do. Let it go and count your blessings that he has someone to make him feel special and give you a break.
I really see your point but the "use it or loose it" concept does not really work for those who have Dementia. It does not stop the inevitable. He is going to eventually forget and it can happen overnight. Its not like a person who has had a stroke and you need to retrain the brain. Your Dads brain is dying little by little. And its frustrating sometimes for them to try and do something they can no longer do. If he wants to do it, I would not hold him back unless its something dangerous. But don't be surprised that one day he opens that pk if sweetner and forgets it goes into his coffee cup. Or forgets what the sweetner is for and goes for the sugar. They also lose long-term memory. They become like small children.
We took my Mom out to dinner once a week and she always had her cup of tea. Like every other week the waitress brought her hot water in a little metal pot. My Mom always poured her own water into her cup, not this time. It was like slow motion but not enough time to stop her. She picked up that pot and raised her arm and poured the water all over the table. Last time she was allowed the pot.
Dementia is too unpredictable. If your not there all week, do you have a camera to see what he is doing daily? They can "showtime" when others are around and be "out of it" when alone. Its not unusual for a person suffering from dementia to go to bed and wake up not being able to do the things they did the day before.
I know that when me DH puts his own dirty dishes in the DW, it's an embarassingly wonderful gesture to me. After so many years of him getting up from the table and walking away, this is HUGE. It's the small things.
Just be grateful.
Quite honestly, training a caregiver is a full time job, and at 80 she probably isn't really a caregiver; she's acting more like a friend.
I would let this go, myself. BUT................if it disturbs you you certainly can gently address it in a kindly manner. For instance: Take her aside and tell her this:
"Myra, I know you care about Dad. Anyone can see that in your loving manner. And I so appreciate every comfort that can be provided to him; I feel so lucky in having you. But I would ask you please to try to work to keep Dad's independence and to allow him control of his person so much as we are able now. Not everyone will do every little thing for him. It's important for him to be a able as he can. Not only important for his self care, and his feelings of independence and control, but important to keeping him as well and able as we can. I know you are being helpful and that you are looking on these small things as things you can give to him. I understand your heart. But I must ask you to consider what is in his best interest. He isn't a baby. He is a grown man. It is important we allow him the pride of self caring as long as we can."
That's pretty much that. Her actions are habitual and without thought. She has likely done this for grandchildren as well. She is of a giving loving nature. Just that you and I know this isn't in Dad's best interests.
Like I said, this is three hours. You can even discuss it with Dad. "Oh, Dad, poor Myra doesn't even know you are capable of putting sugar in your coffee; but she means well and she loves feeling useful to you. So we will just let her enjoy giving you special attention."
The caregiver is only with him 5-8pm, so that leaves mornings and afternoons for your Dad to do things for himself.
This is a win-win situation :)