NJCinderella Asked August 2016
Does changing things in the house confuse people with Alzheimer's?
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My dad completely renovated their kitchen after 50 yrs, new colors, new cabinets, new floors etc. During the renovations, my mother who has middle stage Alz, called to tell me she had moved to a new house. A few days later she didn't recognize my father and called to tell me my father had left but a "nice man" had moved in and was taking care of her! I think the new kitchen has confused her. Now my father has renovated the bathroom, changed out rugs for wooden flooring and is continuing to change the house. He won't listen that this is really confusing to my mom. Am I wrong to try to get him to stop? Or should I just let him do what he wants, after all it is their house.
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But I understand your concern about your Mom and how changes can confuse her. I don't really think a new kitchen had her think she was in a new house... it sounds more like it was the Alzheimer's next path. Otherwise she would have recognized her husband as he was still the same person.
This could also be a coping mechanism for your Dad to keep himself busy. It's sad as for couples where one partner had memory issues, this isn't the retirement they had planned.
I'm learning that change is not a good thing for older people, even when they are not suffering from Alzheimer's or dementia. I understand that your father had a reason or reasons for making this drastic change in their environment but I feel it was not best for your mother. I hope her immediate shock subsides and she becomes more comfortable. I wish you the best. Sharon
Perhaps there is no "ideal" answer.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
The "mirror sign" usually begins around this time, and starts when the person living with dementia has difficulty recognizing themselves in the mirror. The image in the mirror becomes like a person looking at them through a window, and that person often has different personalities at different times, e. g. nice and loving, mean and hateful, an old friend, a nice friend, a copycat who dresses like them, etc.
Be cautious on changes to the home. Sometimes the person living with dementia believes that their possessions are being stolen, etc. Naturally, extreme agitation can then occur.
There is a host of different challenges in each milepost along the long dementia road. The caregiver must be a marathoner, not a sprinter.
Since it's too late, you might as well look at the positives. The new flooring will be an improvement in some ways - easier to clean, no trip hazards. Ummm... I'm sure there are other plus points too?
But what's got into your father? He's lived with these things for fifty years and now, all of a sudden, he's ripping through the projects like a human tornado?
I don't know if this might help: you should be able to find online lots of information about Designing For Dementia - the kind of guidelines specialist facilities use when they're building state-of-the-art new premises. If your father still has projects on the go, perhaps you can interest him in including dementia-friendly features and help him learn about your mother's needs that way?
Men rarely share their true feelings especially with close family members so i would leave him be and wait for openings when he feels ready to talk. he may also be in a bargaining stage where he feels if he makes the environment perfect Mom will get better. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things and he is taking care and keeping himself occupied rather than sitting on the sofa in front of the TV feeling sorry for himself
Like someone else said earlier, it's not the changes in the house that are confusing your mother, it's the Alzheimer's itself. And like they also said, if it was the changes to the house she would have still recognized your Dad because he hasn't changed.
Allow and encourage your Dad to make the changes necessary to continue his life when your Mom is no longer with him. He is preparing for his future without his wife.
All my love to you.
Even if keeping everything the same were proven to be ideal, we do not live in an ideal world. We may need to send our loved ones to a day program, so they spend part of their day in one environment and part in another. And for the sake of others in the household we may need/want to put up holiday decorations, changing the environment and then changing it back again. We may need to update plumbing. Our loved ones may need to go to a care center.
My mother's nursing home always puts up seasonal decorations. Right now they have huge cheerful flowers that some residents made in craft sessions. Providing things new and different to look at can be positive stimulation.
Just saying the persons with dementia don't do well with change does not create a world in which change doesn't happen.
NJCinderella, I'd also suggest that you consider the needs of both of your parents. Your father's need/desire to make these changes is no less valid than your mother's concerns, even if she is the one with diagnosed impairments. It sounds like Mother is making sense of this change in her own way.
And if you could determine, somehow, that the progression of the disease was caused or triggered by the changes to the house, what then?
The other obvious giveaway was when she decided that her husband had left and a strange man was living in her home trying to control her life. She was also upset that her daughter thought there was nothing amiss and it was perfectly okay for this strange guy to butt in where he had no business.
So, although nothing had changed, in her mind everything (except her daughter) had changed.
OTH, there's really no clear way to tell if it's her "next step" in Alzheimer's progression or the changes in milieu that did it--could be some of both.
But 'going through doors' is a significant trigger to forget, or become disconnected with one's memories more, even without Alzheimer's.
Sometimes, the elder regains memory, others, not so much.
That she has Alzheimer's means there swill be progression, no matter what.
Your Dad is probably planning ahead in case of need to seek the house [good planning!], or making it easier to take care of the house as he also ages in place.
I'd not worry about Mom losing memory...she's losing it already.
Often, we feel like we should maybe _do_ something about it to stop it. But, none can stop it.
Maybe questions might be:
Do you want to drag-out the inevitable as long as possible, by stopping anything that might trigger it to progress a bit faster, even if doing those things makes good sense?
Or allow that she is progressing, and let that happen, simply loving and supporting both of them as well as you can, accepting that progression happens, and no one can stop that?
Deep inside every scrambled-egg brain, are tiny bits of awareness that things are not proper. The person does not have words to say it, usually, only parts of ideas, or even whole ideas, which, if one is paying attention, might pick-up on, to hear what they are trying to say.
Of all the ones I cared for, _ALL_ had some way to convey what they wanted...it usually distilled down to "I hate living like this / want to die / want to stop living without any quality of life". But those who love them, have a very hard time letting go and allowing that process to happen in anything like a natural course.
It's just really hard to let someone die, when we feel like there's not been near enough time with them here!
In your shoes, I'd probably tell Dad to keep up the good work, and just be as supportive as possible for both parents; all of you are going through something extraordinary and difficult, each from different perspectives.
Gma had all her marbles, but, she was terribly ill, and had so little energy to do anything, that even the small amount of effort needed to look a few inches away to locate the pills, was too much.
Things worked better if they stayed exactly where and how she put them, which worked for her.
It would have been different, if she'd had a dementia, because it wouldn't matter if things stayed in familiar places or not, she'd still have lost track.
So might as well help the helpers help her, more easily, by making what changes were needed, to do that; just understanding that she'd forget things more related to the changing, and compensate for that.
Perhaps he realizes that he will eventually need to sell the house and he's more likely to get his money out of it if it's updated. He obviously needs something to do, and at least this is productive.
If this starts to truly agitate your mother, he may have to let the remodeling go for awhile. If your mom just thinks is new but isn't overly bothered, maybe it's not doing too much harm (it can’t be positive but what is perfect?).
The downward spiral for your mom is going to happen no matter what is done or not done. Yes, this could be hastening her decline. However, two people's lives need to be considered.
I wish there were a clear answer, but with most things concerning dementia, every day is different and every person is different. I'd talk with your dad and ask him to watch for agitation and anxiety. If the remodeling isn't pushing your mother over the edge in that way, then - considering that this is likely good for your dad - maybe it's as okay as things can be.
You're are good person to be considering both of them and not blaming your dad You are right. It's their house and that means his as well as your moms.
Take care of yourself and try to keep balanced. We are with you.
Carol