My 72 year old mother lives in her huge, rural home with my younger sister. My father recently died suddenly. My sister has never worked, is clearly mentally ill/disabled and has been supported and protected by my parents all her life. She has never been diagnosed, and receives no support, treatment or even disability payments. Over the years I've begged my family to get my sister help and figure out a plan for this unsustainable situation, but it's always fallen on deaf ears and nothing has happened.
Now that dad is out of the picture, I'm baffled as to how to support my mother while she's a package deal with my sister. Her plan seems to be to live as frugally as possible until she drops dead, then my sister can live off whatever tiny bit of money she leaves behind. This is no plan! What if she needs long-term care? And I do not believe sister can function on her own no matter how much money she has.
On top of all that, mom now has uterine cancer and I'm helping out with the care as best I can. I live about a seven hour drive away and work full-time.
I'm losing my mind trying to figure out what to do with these two. I'm the only other sibling, leaning heavily on my husband and one aunt for support. I can't take on care for these two people, and I'm filled with resentment, anger and dread about the situation. Does anyone have any thoughts?
Your sister clearly has problems and cannot manage life herself so mom and dad have been at it her entire life.
If you want to help mom and sister, start by having a sit-down with both of them. You talk to them, let them know your concerns, and offer to help in ways that will be productive. Then stop talking and listen.
Your sister would probably qualify for SSI if she's never worked and cannot manage on her own. You may be asked to be her conservator. This means that you would take on the responsibility of administering her funds.
It does not mean that you have to have her living with you or that you will have to give her money from your own bank accounts.
Help your sister apply for SSI. Help them find a social worker who can help set up homecare for mom.
Is there a possibility that your mother and sister would be willing to take in boarders to live with them? This would certainly help out with household expenses.
Your sister needs someone to take over her life, get her on some kind of disability, and basically be a life manager.
She also has to do some for herself. Like be compliant with the state and into some kind of counceling. She will also have to help with mom's care, though she probably won't be able to meet all of her care needs.
For now, Mom is #1. I think u know what Moms diagnosis may mean. If she passes, her SS stops too. What you do depends on how much responsibility you want to take for your sister. You may want to call Adult Protection Services in to help you. Tell them there is a vulnerable adult you have no idea how to help. She can't be on her own and being 7 hrs away and holding a f/t job, you can't care for her. You may have to allow the State to become her guardian. Because she seems to have no medical history, that is going to need to be established so Social Security Disability can be applied for.
I know if I had not have stepped up, my Mom would probably have done nothing. Its a mindset some people have not realizing someday they will be gone and then what happens to that special child.
Your Moms illness is serious. She is not being fair to you or your sister by not allowing you to look into things for sis so something is in place if/when Mom passes. Sounds like to me Sis will need to be in a group home. Long-term care if a group home in not an option. This will eventually happen to my nephew because there is no one to care for him after me.
I’m sorry for the loss of your dad.
I’m very happy to see that you will not be assuming your mom’s role as caregiver for your sister. You couldn’t possibly take on this responsibility and hold down a job too.
I have a friend who did assume responsibility for her sister with special needs. She ended up deciding to quit her job and was able to be paid as her sister’s caregiver. The pay was extremely low and she could barely get by.
My friend’s sister died (Down’s syndrome and dementia at age 54) and she had a tough time finding a job after her sister’s death. She went through all of her savings and incurred debt.
It’s completely normal for you to be stressed out and feel resentful now, just think about how amped up it would be if you were your sister’s full time caregiver.
I wish you all the best and hope that you are able to talk mom into caring for herself and setting up the proper arrangements for your sister.