Backgound: Mother passed away 5m ago and was married over 50yrs. I'm only kid (age 50) between them and they both had kids from previous marriages. Yes there always have been jealousys of me (I have always had more things growing up- parents were poor when other kids were born) with other kids. Parents have a sizable estate most assets in revokable living trust. I have been handling financial affairs prior to passing of mother. No one else in family can handle the complex financial affairs they have. Dad not capable at this time either but fairly sharp for his age but never really like accounting work and non technical. Kids (mid 60's+) on dad's side not really capable either and I doubt they have ever balance a check book. I have always been close to parents since I'm only one between two of them and have done a number of investment partnerships with them over the years. Dad still lives on his own (I'm very close by) get's around but has fallen a few times over the years. Uses a cane now but seems to be slowing down faster and had a recent fall a few week ago and using a walker now.
Situation: Ex-wife who is 87 (widower from 2nd husband) has been calling my Dad since my mom passed away. They started moving my mom's things-clothes out within a few weeks of her death. Now calling like a few times a day. Wow? It appears my dad is wanting to ask her to move in with him, so he is not as lonely and wants her to cook for him. Dad mentioned one time she wanted to go to Las Vegas and get married. WHAT? Dad says he has no intention of marrying her and no intention for her to have anything to do with his financial affairs? HEY Things happen right? She has a legal background. The kids on that side who use to only call maybe once every other month and see him 2 to 3 times a years. Now calling 3 times a day and showing up 1week and 1mo, which I can understand but at same time think there are altering motives with the Ex Wife. I might add, my dad hated her because she cheated on him and left him high and dried with zero assets and debts when they divorced 50 plus years ago. He said has mentioned many times he can't stand a liar or cheat?
But now he wants to invite the Ex back into his life?? I understand he is lonely, I love him and wish I can just visit all day long but I am limited on time, while they are all retired, I'm taking care of my dad's estate and daunting trying to get things in order (finances). We take hot meals (a few times a week) to him and take him where every he wants to go, get groceries, bills, take care issues with his home, etc. Trying to protect him from getting scammed and there must be 7-10 calls a day which we try to block. My dad's seems to have gotten a little more sour (complains about almost everyone behind there backs) and since the Ex has put her nose into picture I have heard negative things about me, which is hurtful.
Another point, so Ex married some one and her 2nd husband who she had a kid and I recently found out has a step child (her decease husband;who died 15yrs ago ). Found out that child was given something like 15k, which was a small fraction of his/her estate (most probably in the house), just thought this is a tell tell sign.
I have talked to my dad about the EX and discussed (some heated) about the EX but he seems to be wanting to forget the past now. He would never have considered this in the past. So should I be concerned? What steps should I take if any? Most is in a revocable trust which he is the trustor (I'm successor trustee) but he's not really capable of handling the finances. I believe once she is in the house (she is 87) and there are financial records there, that I'm going to have issues with her.
Need Advice.
I think she is up to no good and if she thought she was not going to get anything, she would not be willing to move from her beautiful home (60 yrs in coastal area to a low end desert place (nice house but no fancy places)
If dad is still able to handle all his finances
Your dad can do what he wants.
That means your dad can have his ex move in
He can change his Will, his Trusts (you say they are revocable)
He can do what he wants influenced or not by his ex.
I suggest before he goes any further get him and yourself to an Elder Care Attorney and make sure everything is "Iron Clad" so that she can not easily have things changed. The Trust(s) should probably be made irrevocable. Any accounts should probably require your signature as well as his but the Attorney should sort that out. And if he has excess in any account that should be placed in a safe account that is not easily accessed.
Even better, my Dad loved the free lunch, that came with the tour, that was served by the complex, it was menu style. He said he didn't even know such places existed. He wanted to move in right away as he was tired at 94 trying to maintain the single family home where he was finding the stairs were no longer user-friendly. Dad had what we called "rainy day" funds in his Revocable Trust, so it worked out perfectly.
Oh, and Dad enjoyed being around folks that were from his generation. The complex would have weekly music from the past. Dad would keep his apartment door opened and residents walking by would yell in "Hi, Bob" which Dad enjoyed. He even loved the monthly fire drills as the firetrucks come out to the complex :) He would scoot down the hallway with his walker to be first to see the trucks comes in.
Later down the road, Dad needed to go into Assisted Living/Memory Care which was in the same complex. We use to joke about Dad's college dorm room. Dad's main concern was if the same chef prepared the meals, he did :)
The EX and kids are trying to get her up here quickly and keep telling dad we have a lot of things to get in order and can't have her here. She will have her nose into everything. I do no she has a pushy personality - in sales.
I think your biggest problem may be how difficult it is for your father to tell you honestly how he feels about this possible never-too-late romance (I'm trying not to eye-roll, so I won't use the emoji). And that's even assuming that he knows himself what he feels about it.
They're probably both just being REALLY silly. But if you can't be sentimental about your life history (including regrets) in your eighties, when can you?
Who is living with and actually taking day to day care of your father? If no one, I would find him a lively retirement community with a bit of a buzz to it and move him in there a.s.a.p. As you said, he is lonely. You can't supply what he lost with your mother, no matter how hard you try. It's a wavelength, generational thing.
I'm not a betting person... But I wouldn't lay money down on the odds of that happening..
Without a diagnosis of dementia you Dad can change things around by re-marrying at any time and give POA to new wife or whomever he chooses. With a diagnosis of dementia your father cannot change this Trust.
I am, again, uncertain what you mean about your father being "incapable" and I am uncertain what YOU mean by being in charge of handling finances. Without a POA, you really aren't in charge. Without being made Trustee of the revocable Trust, you aren't in charge.
You may need a diagnosis and guardianship at this point to protect your Dad from a predatory ex. On the other hand, if Dad isn't demented, there is absolutely nothing you can do about family number one now swooping on in.
He is not there yet on Dementia. He is getting forgetful, getting off track and staying on a subject, but knows what is going on in the world.
In terms of finances, the bills would not get paid without me. To complex and mom handled them. He has not handled any of the finances for 50+years. They are behind on taxes which we are trying to get things updated. He is not tech savvy.
He could try 'visiting' her in her beautiful coastal home. See if she can still cook at age 87.
You said:
"They started moving my mom's things-clothes out within a few weeks of her death." His ex-wife has already done what she needed to scam him financially.
"They" are just not saying to what extent they are living together.
You could do a security check on all of his assets and accounts now.
Start showing up at Dad's at unexpected times.
Sorry, but in my experience, with so many siblings, step-siblings, etc. the only ones who got anything during the declining years, and after loved one's death were the addicts, bipolar bold ones, and criminals. Because they took it.
Maybe if there is such an attorney who can protect your father, that might work. However, the "Trust" did not work at all.
In favor of the Independent Living/Assisted Living idea. Even so, anyone can 'visit'. Watch the ATM card as #1 least accountable. imo.
If ex has an adult child living with her in the coastal home, beware! If anyone tries to move in with the couple, be very aware! Get a background check on the ex and her children, imo.
He and my mom have put so much on me and keeps getting worse and I am soo limited on time.
Make sure it's tight, very tight, agreement and specifically identify assets that are beyond the reach of a potential resurrected relationship. That includes any "issue" (i.e., children) she may have.
BTW, what IS her legal background? Secretary? Paralegal? Attorney, and if so, in what practice area?
If she sees that she gets nothing, and she is a gold digger, she'll take her shovel and find more promising grounds.
Also, try introducing him to Senior Center activities. It's very difficult now b/c of the pandemic, by start by downloading their newsletters. He might even be interested in a club.
You might also want to consider Meals on Wheels; it provides nominal companionship, but there will be someone to briefly interact with him when meals are brought. And sometimes friendships develop; they did with my father.
Is he a Veteran? If so, have you registered him with the VA, and asked about visiting caregivers?
Its getting hard to reason with him and he is starting to be blinded with the EX and get very mad.
Sorry - her background is real estate with some legal education don't know the full background.
Time is of the essence on this!
If she moves in, make sure that she signs a rental agreement that has a 3 day eviction clause for non payment. The attorney should draw it up and it should be between her and the owner of the house, which should be the trust.
If dad has dementia get the doctor to document an actual diagnosis, this will make any contract entered into by him easily questioned and most likely voided, including a marriage. This would justify his resignation as Trustee.
If she can move in and provide enrichment for his quality of life, that's a good thing. You just want to keep her from his finances. Hopefully he has provided a fair inheritance to ALL of his children.
He does not have dementia but slowing down, thought process is starting to get off and I try to correct him if he is wrong, which he does not like.
I want him to remember how he cheated on him and left him broke, which seems to have been forgotten, with all the calls to the EX now (3 times a day) and the other siblings my dad has with her now calling 3 times a day. Seems like a tag team approach and I see his attitude changing towards me. Because I have things, have been successful and involved and they have really not - minimum job histories.
I see their side too and know they will do well too but they are amping up the pressure on my dad which my parents did not want this to happen on either side. My parents just want me to handle it, but very hard and because he is getting irrational in his thinking, it getting harder to talk to him and knowing everything I say get's mostly discussed with Ex and other children's and I don't have time to go over every detail at this time until everything is put together. I have to keep going over things with him and it take a lot of time, then he is forgetting it and I'll have to go over it again. Just gets tiring and I need to get things in order. This has taken a tremendous amount of time and lost income from my normal business.
No one else is capable and my dad mentioned about how the Ex could help. Yea right - The estate is complex and she has a very simple life and I would not want to discuss anything with her. But if she move's in, it will be hard to discuss anything with him and the money is a big thing he likes to talk about.
I feel like I'm in a nightmare, just trying to keep my wits and be smart.