Cmshul Asked December 2014
How do I control my temper with my Mom?
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My mother is 93 years old and a widow for 6 years. I am her only child. She obsessively worries about many things and is sometimes paranoid. Ie. Someone is taking her mail. She can be very controlling and frustrating. I often have to take a tranquilizer to deal with her. She refuses to take any medication besides Valium and only takes that to sleep. She has no friends as they all passed away. I am her only go to person. I feel very burdened by this.
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Dad has issues with what he puts out in the trash on pick-up day. Cannot put out electronics, such as old computers or monitors... my gosh, what would the neighbor's say.... [rolling eyes].
Now Dad is obsessed with all the leaves on his front lawn... again, the neighbors might talk.
My parents are so private you'd think they were in the witness protection program. They have a post office box so that hardly any mail comes to the mailbox at home.
There are times when I blow up over these small things, but when it becomes a regular routine it can try your patience. I know I need to ignore these silly things, and maybe try to count to 10 before saying anything :)
Valium is not a great drug for the kinds of issues that either of you is experiencing. I'd much rather you see a psychiatrist for a proper workup of what may be depression and a good course of treatment implemented.
Once you've got that taken care of, you can work on getting a diagnosis for your mother. Do you have POA? If not, try to obtain it now before she gets diagnosed with dementia. She is rapidly approaching the point where she needs three shifts of caregivers and you will need poa in order to be able to use her funds to hire care for her.
If there is any way you can get respite for a few days, please arrange to do so, you sound beyond burned out. Ask yourself where your mother will be if you die first.
Are you in your 70s or late 60s? I'll bet you thought this was your time to slow down, relax, and enjoy the fruits of your labor, right? I hope you are getting to do that in many ways. Are many of your friends still alive, still able to get together with you, still interested in your life? Take full advantage of that. You can see by your mother's example that you may not always have them.
You say that your mother can be very controlling. Really? A little ol' lady in her 90s can control you? How? Does she threaten to disinherit you? Threaten to make you sit on a stool for time out? Or is she just especially sharp at pushing your guilt buttons? You really can control that,you know. Just because she buys you a ticket for a guilt trip doesn't mean you have to go. :) When you consider her "controlling" think about what that means and how she does it. I'll bet you could easily take back control if you really want to. What power does she actually have?
If you do snap occasionally, forgive yourself, you are an imperfect person in a most imperfect situation.
It's important for you to be off-duty at least one day a week, preferably two.
Also consider respite care, check if an ALF near you can take her "on vacation" for two weeks while you get away too.
First, keep coming here for support and reassurance you aren't alone in this and your moms behavior is more the norm than "the sweet old grateful senior" we see in commercials.
I'm visiting my mom in couple days and have already had the telephone conversations where she is trying to work me over. Ahead of these visits and calls, I make sure I'm well rested, and in a good patient frame of mind with a few prayers for patience. I try to keep things light, avoid arguments, and when things are tensing up or she acts up, I make sure I have a plan such as a drive in the car, going out for ice cream or milkshake, walk around the neighborhood together to remove us both from the environment or at least her home turf. This is the distraction that lets her refocus.
If it gets heated and she thinks I've stolen something, or something's missing or other, and there is no reasoning with her...I've learned to take a time out and just either go outside, or fake an incoming phone all and step outside or go to the car for several minutes while she cooks off. If it is just beyond hope, I tell her I love her and that I'm leaving and will see her in the morning. She sometimes tries to call me afterwards and I answer once and keep it short and then don't answer her calls til next day.
We deserve our sanity too and although they have dementia, sometimes it's just a temper tantrum or they are having an ill day. It's best to take a break and I no longer feel guilty about doing so. I have set many boundaries for my own mental health and to avoid saying something that would truly hurt her or that I can't take back.
But not to be flippant - I don't underestimate the daily indigestion and background anxiety about what she's going to come up with next, and nor should you - look ahead. Forewarned is forearmed. Start finding out about people you can count on locally for befriending, respite and all the other things without which we would all be fit to be tied.
PS I can't honestly recommend siblings. c.f. Dysfunctional families. You think mothers are a problem..?!
Just knowing I have ONE day a week without any contact with mom has really helped my mood. I can sleep in that morning and do whatever I want to do. I don't have to watch the clock for 8 AM and 6 pm to call. I can be gone or at a movie or whatever during those times. WOOHOO!!
Start with two days off and if that's not workable, then go down to one day a week. And make sure on that day (or those days) you do something you love to do and that energizes YOU. Having your own life with some fun will give you energy and patience to deal with your mom. Good luck and hugs from one caregiver to another!
Most people have a certain tolerance as an adult and I don't think that you are likely to change your level of tolerance at this stage of life. Unless you suffer from rage, then I would just accept myself and let it go. You have a right to be a little perplexed and exasperated at times. As long as she don't harm anyone, I don't see the harm.
My parents can annoy me too, but I try to ignore the small stuff. I will get riled up over big things like when my dad tried to get on the roof to clean gutters! That pushed my buttons and resulted in a pretty big sermon with lots of threats. lol But, the small things I try to tell myself, it's age, it's them starting to decline, just ignore it. I do what I can and then do what I want to do. They are not my boss and as long as I am kind and help them when they need help, I fine and so are they. There is no reason for guilt.
I would also start considering options for her long term care. What would happen if she was bed bound? Would you go in and care for her? Arrange for a team of others to care for her? I'd consider all of that now, as it is very stressful to do it in a crisis, such as if she falls and breaks something. Good luck.
I try to lean on my sense of humor mostly as it seems to defuse the inevitable explosion that I know is coming.
When unable to do this and get her to laugh I have set up an arrangement with a local friend who handles a lot of rental property. When Mom goes into her "I want you out" tantrums I drop an email to my friend and he sends over "available" for me to move into. As I know that much of the time she is looking over my shoulder I open the email and she can see that I have "started looking" for a place. You would be amazed at how quickly her tune changes if even for only a couple days. We do this dance about once a month now.
Talking to others is very helpful and giving yourself permission to care for yourself is a life saver. I'm sorry you are feeling so low.
I would also mention that while our spirits are tested and tried, at the end of the day, we have learned so much about ourselves. I'm not the same person anymore and in some ways, that's a good thing.
Yes, get legal documents in order, but make sure you've got a therapist, good friends and this website on call. Learn to set boundaries with mom and if she says she's calling a cab come back with a neutral response like, "maybe that would be best". Don't argue with her and for heaven's sake, don't try to prove to her that you love her. It's a bottomless pit.
She told me the other day when she couldnt get me to jump for her "Go to hell!" I told her "Mom you dont get it. You have assured me a place in heaven and I want to thank you for that" I havent always done the right thing throughout my life but Im sure Im a "shoe'in" now. ; )