My Mom has Parkinson's and dementia and is restless. She has escaped to outside the building at the nursing home she's in twice. They said she has to go, that they can't be responsible because they are not a locked unit. They've helped me find a new spot and I think it will be nice (better, safer). But I don't know how to broach the subject with Mom so that she wants to go. She wants to leave the place she's in but to go home or on a boat (fantasy scenario in her head). Even if she doesn't want to go, she still has to. What should do?
First, please remember that you are keeping her safe by moving her to the new facility.
Your mother will always want to return "home." My mother has a fantasy about moving back to her home state and living in a facility where nuns roam the halls and offer individualized care. (a lovely thought, though.)
I find that time is my ally. My mother has always been stubborn...if you ask her to go left, she will inevitably go right. So I use what I call "planting the seed." Mention the subject and then move on to another topic. Next time bring brochures and other information and leave it with her. Let some time pass then perhaps schedule a visit at the new facility. You could also ask if the new facility could provide a "buddy" - someone who lives there and can speak positively about his or her experience...then she would know someone before arrivng. They may also allow short, overnight or weekend visits...which would give you respite.
When I think about having to give up things as I get older, I have to admit that it scares me too. But you have to know that not everyone has a daughter like you who is willing to agonize over these decisions to try and find the best solution for your mother.
God Bless
Lilli
Unfortunately time is something we don't appear to have. The Social Worker told me that they want some resolution by the weekend! Now, I know that she is speaking from their agenda - the need to limit liability, fill the bed with another paying resident, etc., but that seems kind of extreme. At the last patient care meeting they broached the subject of moving her - the Neurologist suggested it - but they insisted that they would do whatever it took to keep her there ($8900/mo is an incentive). But now, since this is her second 'offense' the jig is up.
People with dementia need extra time to process things - moving quickly will most surely bring a bad result. I feel a lot of pressure to say the right thing so that she will go willingly - I can't imagine what it will be like if I have to force her.
I have to keep a constant eye on her after a certain time of day, or she falls. When she was in the nursing home, they would keep her in a chair at the nurses station so they could keep a constant watch on her. She was not allowed to walk on her own, and with good reason. Laws forbid restraints of any kind now, so keeping her in a chair was the only choice. If your mom is like this, she will not be allowed to move around on her own. This is the reason I have given up my job to take care of my mom full time. If she was still in the home, she would most certainly have lost her ability to walk on her own by now. It's not easy having her at home, but I feel I can't place her somewhere and have her lose the last bit of freedom she has. I know I won't be able to care for her much longer, but she still can have some quality time at home. She is in a daycare facility 3 days a week and is making friends. She now looks forward to going and getting out. She misses "school" on the 4 days she is at home. Keeping Mom at home may not be an option for you,but it may be better for her then getting thrown out of facilities because of her behavior. The very reason she is there is the reason they don't want to keep her! Ironic isn't it.
I've come to terms with moving her, and the new place seems much more suited to her needs: secure and with more activities geared to that restless - need to do something behavior. I'm hopeful and just pray that she adjusts OK.
Thanks for your thoughts.