Everytime I see/talk to m 82 year old mom, she argues over everything and says hurtful things. I seen my mom last year through breast cancer, recovery and check ups. She has always been on the negative side of things, and also argues. Now since she moved into a home a year ago, she is assuming and lets me know that I will take her here and there, and everywhere, my husband and I do things for her all the time, and the next call from her is complaining and accusing my husband of telling a story about his mom and that her kids share in the providing rides, bringing her stuff and my mom says that my husband meant it for her. No winning at all with her. I am at wits end, crying and very emotional with her demands, and her guilty ways about her. I told my husband tonight, we need to sell our home and move.
I don't know where to turn anymore, or how to get her to stop complaining about anything and everything, and arguing constantly and calling me a liar over anything she chooses. I have now quit calling her every day, now that she is healthy from the cancer.When she got the flu, I called her every day to check on her as so did my other sisters. I can't call her everyday anymore, it is too draining on me and am loosing sleep and feel just sick about the entire situation. I love her dearly, I just need her to be nice and not look for arguments and not make me feel quilty.
Mom has always been on the negative end of the scale. And if she has damage to her brain, that tendency may be intensified and also irrational. Even people who weren't negative and argumentative before the brain damage often go through a phase like this when the dementia appears. Paranoia ("people are saying nasty things about me") is common.
Maybe I am entirely off base about dementia, but there is something that is causing this irrational behavior.
1) I think the first step is for Mom to have a through medical evaluation, with the doctor having been told of your concerns ahead of time.
2) Don't take this personally. I know, I know, how can it not be personal? But there is SOME condition that is causing this. It really isn't about you -- it is about Mom's illness.
3) Once you have a tentative diagnosis, learn everything you can about the condition. That will help you to know what to expect and to not take the symptoms personally.
4) Don't feel guilty for detaching some from your mother. Do what you need to do for your own mental health. It shouldn't be necessary to move out of state to accomplish this.
I was very discouraged about some of my husband's behavior. The minute we had a diagnosis of dementia and I understood that the behaviors were part of the illness, my whole attitude changed.
Meanwhile, try your best to detach from what your mother is saying. The key thing is that it isn't *true*. Try to hear her words as the equivalent of her insisting that the moon is made of green cheese, or the President is a Vulcan, or her breakfast is poisoned. It's just nonsense, let it go in one ear and out the other.
That will still leave you, unfortunately, with the sadness of seeing your mother in this terrible state; but at least you won't be adding guilt to the mix. I'm so sorry for the terrible stress you and your family must be going through.
Well, I called my mom back after her message today and what a surprise. She started in on me that I don't want to take her anywhere unless I want to do it, and that I need to change. I kept my composure and put her on speaker phone so hubby can hear and perhaps give me pointers on managing the stressful situations. I told her, she believes what she wants and so do I; then asked her what makes her an expert on telling others they have a problem and they need to change. More scolding... I finally said, in a very take charge voice no yelling or swearing that I think we need to let it go and just get along with one another. She agreed that she wanted to get along, and the next sentence was the same arguement that I need to change, why don't you want to make yourself better, OH MY STARS! My heart was thumping in my chest, my faced was red and hot why does this have to be this way, this is the worst it has ever been. I had to tell her, that I am ending this conversation and not arguing with you and hung up.
We ate our dinner and I called her back, she said she was going to call me but thought we would be eating dinner (never stopped her before). I calmly said would you like me to pick you up tomorrow morning because I am busy in the afternoon. She said yes, she would like that and so we will see tomorrow am. I am steadfast, and will tell her that if she continues with these destructive behaviors our time together will be minimal and I am not putting up with the hurtful behavior and driver her home. I hope she keeps her mouth in check, and I refuse to be bullied. Talk about elder abuse, sheesh what about daughter abuse.
I will tell her tomorrow that I love her dearly and reassure her again like I did last week, that I will take her to doctors appointments anytime. I absolutely will NOT commit that I will either take her out somewhere weekly or every two weeks, because she is not the person you can tell that to as she will be on you like glue!!!
I cannot leave my family and my life either, I like her have earned every bit of my retirement that just started and my plan is to enjoy it my way and my husbands. Who knows when your time is up, spend it in retirement and enjoy it....
By the way, 30 minutes after I hung up on her, my husband did not look well and complained that his ears and face were hot and red. He is on meds for high blood pressure. I told her to forget about this, it will all work out. He was trying to be supportive and think of things to say that would calm the waters. Now I have to watch him during these stresses. I cannot have this happen again for his health and mine.
My dad passed away 5 yrs ago from dementia that he got in his late 50's; he was in a home the last 15 years. His dad, and some of his siblings also have and had dementia. His sister just passed away last week from it.
I do not think my mom has it, thank God! She has just plain gotten very needy, demanding, argumentative and has a real talent all of her life to make people feel guilty.
I thin that when both of us are calm and having a better day, that we need to have a frank conversation and do just what you have suggested. This is what I am willing to do and how often, however things may change due to my obligations with my own family and grandchildren and husband. She seriously needs to think before she speaks to stop the hurting and guilt feelings. If she can't have her own way, she gets very sarcastic.
Thank you all again, it is so appreciated.
Is she like this face to face too? I'm thinking of her jabbering on in the car while you're trying to concentrate on the road and can't - ! - just walk away. Mind you, you can pull over and tell her that you find it hard to drive safely while she hectors you, so you'll just wait here until she agrees to put a sock in it. I used to find that worked with fighting children, not sure if it would with argumentative elders :/
Refusing to be bullied is quite right; but refusing to join in the argument will be even better for everyone's blood pressure. Your mother is going to feel as she does no matter what you or anybody else says. Let her. Don't discuss it, don't dispute it. Just don't participate.
Remember, these are not conversations between rational adults on an equal footing: you have the upper hand, even though it must feel like the opposite. Your mother is old and ill, and getting frailer. She does have things to be upset and angry about, it's just that they aren't your fault and she's misdirecting her emotions.
Behind the scenes, would it be possible to organise a regular outing for her perhaps through a charity or local social services? It's not unreasonable for her to want a predictable schedule, after all; it's just that it shouldn't fall to you to commit to it.
I'm the taxi for my mother. I set boundaries regarding that early on (thanks to the wonderful advice on this site!). My mother was nasty at first, but she's internalized my rules (rides to and from medical appointments and Mass; one shopping trip/week). She gave me her car, and at first thought that meant she would dictate when I took her places. Not so!
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