After the discussion my sister and I had I agreed to try and prepare my dad before moving him into a facility. I told him gently that my sister works full-time and after 5 years of caring for him and paying for help ( we share the cost) she can no longer do it due to him having a prostrate problem as well as early stage dementia. He refuses to understand it and says he has done nothing wrong and he is ok where he is. I had to tell him that if it wasn't that she had to clean up faeces after him, she might have coped better, but he says it wasn't him who made the mess and he says he cant remember and she is lying.
She cried while cleaning up the mess as the help was off-duty and she told me next time he does she will walk out and book herself into a hotel as she just wont do it.
Last night he said to her "so you want to throw me out" and I told her to say that the doctor said he needs nursing, which in fact the doctor did say.
This is very taxing and I wish some parents would be less selfish. He was one of the most selfish dad's I know, but I guess not the worst. Absent, paid his dues and visits. Should we feel bad?
You should be contended knowing you both are wonderful daughters. I am guessing much more than your Dad deserved.
Once the move is made and he has time to adjust you all can just be visiting daughters and get on with your own precious lives. Best wishes!
Guilt. Ask yourself, have you done what is fair and should be expected? I see many cases on this board where it appears what caregivers get in return is nothing short of abuse. I know dementia can cause this, but in the end why must a caregiver sacrifice their own life, health, sanity, dignity, for someone who either disrespects that sacrifice or is mentally unable to appreciate it? At some point you have to say that you "paid it forward" and the guilt debt has been paid off.
My sister came home yesterday to find the kitchen floor covered in crushed garlic and his room she so carefully cleaned out the night before in a huge mess. 2 nights ago it was butter in his tea and my young nephews powdered protein shakes thrown out of its big jar and yet he gets served his meals 3 times daily and I shop once a week to buy him a few 'luxury snacks for the week. Due to his absence from our home as kids, he hardly knew his grandchildren and now does not recognise them. They've also given up. Its just me and my sister and luckily the day helper. I think we've tried.
And yes, as you say its time he gets looked after by those who can do it better :)
Thanks again :)
If you spend any time on these boards, you'll see lots of caregivers of parents with dementia being accused of all kinds of awful things. Caregivers who are giving up their lives and their own health to take care of parents. So please start reading and know that your dad is lucky to have you and your sister.