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My Father has had 4 Dr's tell me when I take him (barely) to appts that he needs a nursing home. Beyond ALF. I'm D.P.O.A. an M.P.O.A. My Mom is also 84 as my Dad. It's gotten bad. He barely can even chg Depends an sometimes doesn't. I know. UTI's!! I have my own family an a minor still at home an husband. My Father is very selfish an narcissistic. He has been on Home Health diabetic program where a nurse comes 3x a day to check sugar an give insulin (x2) shots. He on vials to save money. Has been for last 7 yrs. We just found out Medicare will no longer pay for home visits an shots for Diabetics. It was saving me 3 trips a day as he cannot , for sure now!, give own shots. Shakes bad, cant see, doesnt even know how much. I do everything else for my parents. Im 50 now. Since 2013 Ive been designated daughter. Load pills (i have medical background), get rx's ordered an picked up, groceries, appts, keeping med history straight, ER visits of 8 hrs away fr my family several times in last 5 yrs. Hospital admit and staying night so nurses dont kill them, rehab for Dad like 3x (nightmare every time), had to arrange estate sale of all property (we took out what we all wanted) so I could sell their pd for house cause they were down to $2,000 in acct. Multiple showings of this giant house. I had to beg family friend to loan parents money till house sold an pd back in sm amts. (2016). The list goes on an on. But now their in an handicapp apartment an I had to force my Mom to hire a caregiver fr 9am-1pm to give me a break. Mentally, physically (i have back probs an fibromyalgia an depression an anxiety an ADD) So I could at least pay some attention to my sons an husband. Over last 5 yrs my husband an 2 sons (then 16 an 11) paid for Mom not being there all time cause at " Grandparents" or I was so mad or upset at Dad for being jerk. Non-compliant big time. Now to point he is litterally killing himself but by golly no one gonna boss him around when its Dr orders Im tellin him. Less fluids. Watch sugar...blah blah blah. He has known for yrs. Then he has "an incident" due to his non-compliance. Mom cant get him up anymore for diabetic nurses (ends Sept 20th, shots 3x a day), she fixes supper tired an he sits an falls asleep an wont wake to eat it. He has had sleep apnea for over 10 yrs an never or refused to get dx finally did but refused cpap so Dr an I finally gave up an he just uses concentrator. So now severe sleep deprivation. Then he wont take meds when suppose to. Mom tells him over an over an over. He sleeps all day. Up at night foraging an over eating where in day sugars are high due to foraging an insulin is extremely expensive. He gets 9 vials of Lantus (1 vial last him 8 days). 700$ on Humana. Home health was covering syringes an blood pressure checks. Now we have to go to Lantus Dial Pens an we have to pay for needles that go on top. Because if Mom has to give insulin she cannot see tiny t.b. syringe for Novalog an the Lantus dose. If I cant get over after Sept 20th. An Ive never had to go over there 3x a day just for shots. Mom diabetic to but on dial pens already long ago an lower dose. price for his stupid Lantus pens will be astronomical all because he cant keep his mouth shut an not over eat. Now dealing with fluid overload. He has congestive heart failure so liquids are limited to 34 oz. He drinks like 60 or more. A-fib. Stage3 kidney disease. On blood thinner. Has had sm stroke. Diverticulosis. Diabetes. Pain issues. So if he goes to hospital by ambulance fr fluid overload (I know symptoms an has happened before. Nightmare when he is admitted. Something always goes horribly wrong or pain in butt) an stays 3 midnights an we say he goes to rehab, while there can we say he cannot handle rehab an HE CANNOT!, an say he needs nursing home. Can we put him in nursing home. He will be very mad an against it. Has mind. But cannot care for himself or no common sense he is hurting himself drinking all that an not chg depends etc. (UTI).

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Lynn105 it is not reasonable for him to expect you to continue on like this. Get him into a facility. He'll be mad, he'll get over it. Help him apply for Medicaid. If he's uncooperative, get guardianship or tell him he'll become a ward of the state and then no one will have control except the county. Things will get worse before they get better, but it will get better. Your first priority is to your husband and children.
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anonymous912123 Aug 2019
Excellent response. I totally agree!
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Yep! he is gonna be mad, tough.

You need to let go of caring more about him than he does.

You are so stressed out and if you don't back up you are going to become a statistic.

He knows what he is doing and doesn't care. Let him do it, your husband and children need you.

I know it is hard, but you can not help him, he has shown you that over and over and over.

Rescue yourself, for your family.
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Aside from what everyone else has already said, placing your dad in a skilled nursing facility will help HIM get a better level of care! Your mother certainly can't handle the situation at her age & in her condition, and neither can you. So where can dad get the help he so desperately NEEDS? At a SNF, that's where. If he's angry, he's already angry so he'll just be angrIER, that's all. You'll all get a break from the hideous stress he's causing, but the bottom line still remains that HE will get the level of care he requires! You or your mom will need a Durable POA to make the decision to place him......so be sure to have one drawn up if you don't have one in place already.

I'm so sorry you're going through this...........I'm with NeedHelpWithMom.........I'm exhausted & stressed out just reading what you're going through, you poor soul.
All the best of luck!
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Your sister lives over an hour away & works, even if she came 1 day a week does that even give you & your mom the help you really need? You can't guilt or scream her into caregiving, if she wanted to be there she already would be. Is she even cut out for caregiving? I certainly am not & set limits with my Mom as she needed more care. My Mom didn't want to go to a facility either, but there was no other choice. I have a minor child still at home also, at that time I had two. I refused to spend more time taking care of Mom than on my kids, husband, & home. It's okay for you to do that. It's also okay for your sister to do that.
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Lynn105 Aug 2019
My parents could move to where sister lives. Dad in NH there an Mom could live with sister in nice newbig house with extra rooms. My Mom is the kindest person I know. Not ready for NH. Cant afford A.L.F. She could care for herself except watch fall precaution occasionally. I need to WORK. We are going broke due to me being caregiver last 7 yrs. An mentally an physically I CANNOT do it anymore. She has no minors at home. I just found out I have severe back probs. Im so very tired an feel so very guilty if they were to move fr town my parents have been in since 1976. My Dad , well it doesnt bother me much but my Mom....she is my BF an Im very close to her. But my family has got to be first. They cannot afford one in nursing home an another in ALF or full time caregiver at 20$ an hr. They do not qualify for Medicaid rt now. We have to spend down. I have ADD an things are hard for me to understand an Medicaid laws etc...executive function issues but Ive done best I knew last 7 yrs. Moved them twice to conserve money with help fr my husband an family friend. An my sons 16 an 21 now have helped alot. Her kids nothing. So my husband an I are having a talk with her an husband to tell them We can no longer do this
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Next hospital visit (and it sounds it's not too far off) talk to his caseworker, tell her he is no longer safe at home and mom is no longer safe with him there. Tell them about 4 dr advising nursing home and you have no other option for him. Make sure THEY transport him there, not you. You can find out where he will be transported to so you can get some of his personal items there beforehand. Let him stew for a day or 2 before any calls or visits. Check with nursing home to see what they suggest. He will not want to be there but it's too much on you and mom. Don't ask sister, tell her HE needs this for everyone's sake. Your mom and you are living in a battlefield loaded with mines ready to explode and it will kill you. He will get the care he needs at NH, shots, meds, meals, etc. You've done what you could, time to let yourself get the help you need now. Peace of mind, more time with family, mom has less stress too. Best of all you will have more peace in general. If mom is hurting financially once this mess is cleared up meals on wheels, food assistance (snap), assistance with utilities etc. Or even a nice assisted living complex via medicaid where she can participate in activities, go on day trips, interact and make friends. Good luck to you, you have your hands full and then some.
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My Lord! I am exhausted just reading your post. My heart breaks for you and your mom and dad. I’m not going to say things about your dad. That’s your place. One of those situations where you can say it but I don’t want to out of respect for you.

I will say that you have more than your share on your plate. That’s a lot of responsibility and you have a responsibility to your family at home too. It’s hard for you and hard for them.

Four doctors already gave you the answer. You don’t need any validation from us. You know what the answer is along with the confirmation from four doctors. Is the objection only coming from your dad? Is your mom wanting him to go to a facility as well? There comes a time for some that it is impossible not to go to a facility.

I’m just asking because I sincerely don’t know. Can he legally be forced to go? Also, what is done when a patient refuses to go? Could hospice take over or is that not feasible? I don’t even know if hospice is a good solution in this case? It may not be.

Your situation is heartbreaking. I am so sorry. I hope you are able to resolve this soon. At this point I seriously doubt if your dad will change his mind about allowing others to care for him so you will have to take charge without his cooperation.
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worriedinCali Jul 2019
Hospice isn’t a solution because they won’t provide the amount of hands on care her dad needs. They are extra support but definitely not a solution IMO. They won’t send someone out multiple times a day to give him his shots.
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