Dad is poorly, my dog is too. I think guilt is overrated, but how do we reconcile grieving for a pet more than a parent?
I know I am not the only one here whose childhood was made hard by narcissistic parents. Years of therapy and strong boundaries have helped me learn to thrive without parental love.
The last time I saw Dad, he told me he knew by the time I was 2 that I was defective and if he had had his way I would have been placed in an institution and forgotten about. Yup, he is a ...choose your expletive...
Dad's best friend had a child before I was born that had severe birth defects and that child was placed in an institution. My flaw? Red hair and a temper.
Dad is also a hoarder and I have spent thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours clearing a small portion of his hoard. It will easily cost $20,000 to remove the rest of it.
So Dad is now 93, and has symptoms the doctors cannot diagnose, perhaps related to his heart, or nerve damage, who knows. He spent Tuesday in the hospital.
I got word from my sister in law today that he had a very bad night, severe pain, that prescription pain medication barely touched. I do not know if my brother will be taking him back to the hospital today.
So it has been tough, knowing that it is unlikely I will ever see him again and knowing that there is no chance of ever having a father's love. I have known that for years, but the little girl inside me, has held out hope.
But I am shedding tears, because my old man dog is getting closer to the end of his life and I cannot bear the thought of being without him. He is the best dog ever, loves everyone and everything. He is also so ugly he turns the corner to cute. His eyes are cloudy, hearing poor, he sleeps most the day, but he is happy, pain free and is still living his best life. But I know he has months, not years left and I am devastated.
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Do what feels most right to you and don’t let guilt get in the way of grieving you dog. Make the most of your time with your dog. Sometimes a death—before and after—changes the families dynamics. Some members get closer and others pull back. You won’t be the first family member to experience this. If he’s at home and you’re not the primary caregiver, tell your family you can’t see him anymore because you can’t stand to see him suffering . You don’t need to mention your beloved dog. You owe your father nothing! Neither I or my brothers cried while our father died. Hard to miss what you never had.
Grief is grief, always different for each of us and with each loss we experience.
Our dogs love us unconditionally and are always glad to see us, happy with our words (no matter we are saying), and loyal to us.
Knowing that your dog's time is coming to an end, you might want to look into the idea of a home visiting vet who also does euthanasia at home.
Or does a palliative care consultation to help you figure out comfort focused treatment, and get an idea of what signs will show a transition to actively dying.
Found a vet who did that, she came to the house, suggested we place a blanket over the cat's eyes while she was help in my husband's arm. Cat never knew that vet was present, so did not get stressed out. Very very peaceful and a comfort to us.
There are grief support groups for pet loss, and also for complicated grief - grieving the death of an abusive parent is definitely a complication to the grieving process.
Thinking of you.
There are several parts to your grief:
you didn't get the parent you needed,
that parent is dying, and
the one that gave you unconditional love is also dying.
That's a lot to unpack & sort, but it's all grief. You've showed your love for both in what you've done for them. You have - because you were a caring daughter - helped your father. You will - because you can - help your old man dog have the best life he can for whatever time he has left. You should have no regrets, nor should you stress over the degree of sadness you feel toward each. Your feelings are certainly appropriate.
I wish you peace in this difficult time.
My father was a raging sociopathic narcissist whose emotional and verbal abuse for 64 years killed my mother. At 96 years of age, he finally passed 17 months after her. I was No Contact and did not go see him on his deathbed. He was a despicable human being and drove everyone away. When I got 'the call' that he was gone, I was so relieved I almost did a happy dance. Absolutely no grief or guilt. 20 days later my beloved 14 year old Chihuahua died of CHF. I cried every day for a week, before I could get through a day or two without crying. I still miss my "little man" but have another rescued Chihuahua now who fills the void.
Again, nothing to feel guilty about. These feelings are perfectly normal.
unfortunately theres all kind of strings ... conscious and subconscious ... between humans to complicate things.
It is easy enough to reconcile any guilt. Your dog lives to love you and reciprocates your devotion and loyalty, your dad does not. Speaking as another animal-loving redhead with a fiery temper, give your old-man dog the best most loving days of his life and you will never regret it. I had to put my 18 year old ginger cat to sleep last year, it was devastatingly painful to let him go. He was loyal, protective, and my little soul mate - a more fulfilling relationship than most human ones. My regret (other than saying goodbye) was not having more times for cuddles and his favorite treats.
As for your father, go see him "one last time" so you don't have regrets later on about this.
My dad is an aging, stubborn narcissist who has dumped his care in my lap, I will shed no tears. I may even abandon him. He drove my mother to an early grave, and is doing the same to his current wife.
Do not feel guilty, I am trying not to as well. Hugs.
Parents are just people and people have their flaws and some should never have been parents. Much easier to let go of someone like that vs. a dog who had done nothing but love you.
I have always grieved for my dogs more so than people that were in my life. I am currently fostering an old dog that was left to be put down at a shelter. She is the sweetest little thing and is helping me through the grieving of losing my 16 yr old little dog last spring. You might consider fostering to help you through it.
I'd grieve for the dog more too.
Leave dad to rot, literally if need be, in his horde. Not your problem. Don't spend another cent trying to help him.
No tears for narcissistic mom, but I grieved her every day that I cared for her. My dog was more sudden and my closest companion through the toughest of times caring for mom. It took me weeks when I lost Macy. I still get tears most of the time when I think of that darn dog!
It sounds like you are trying to justify your no grieving for dad by his past behaviors and personality. You don't need to do.that, it is ok.
I hope your dad finds relief from his pain and you can let it all go when he passes.
I felt like a terrible human for shedding more tears for my dog then my dad.
The truth is my girl never gave me anything but love, devotion, loyalty and comfort. She was my service dog, so she was my constant companion. She lived her life for me, as all dogs do for their person.
My dad on the other hand had made his feelings amply clear for decades. His choices were always based on him. Many years of no contact and nothing but critism when there was.
I was sad that he was gone and any chance of things changing were gone but, he wasn't an integral part of my life like my girl was. He didn't love me unconditionally like my girl did, so I think it is only normal to grieve what touches us the most and our dogs do that on an hourly basis, if not more.
I pray you find the peace with this situation that I have.
PS: my new girl is training up great and she is such a blessing to our lives. She is super silly and brings much laughter into our home. That has helped dry the tears.
Old man dog sounds like an amazing buddy. I hope you can make some more happy memories with him before it's his time to leave you. So sorry for your heartache. 💜
I just had to put down my sweet pup of 13 years four months ago. In two days time he could not walk and was constantly panting in pain the morning we lost him. We rushed him to the Vet to find out he had cancer in his spleen and it was bleeding into his belly. What a horrible day but he did not deserve to suffer. I even asked if we could take him home just for one last day but he would have needed a pain shot every hour. Our vet said it may not even be enough relief.
Husband and I fell apart and have been grieving ever since. We keep hearing him in the house, look to feed him or take him out. We still have his toys and beds.
Its so hard and we have lost many old family members that we loved.
This has been far worse so love on your sweet old pup and spoil him as much as you can.
Try to enjoy your remaining time with your beloved dog and don't feel guilty at all for anything. You have done nothing wrong.
I am devastated for you about the pup. To tell the truth, I have lost my last elder dogs, and at 80 do not want to burden my children on death for having to care for any I might leave behind. I comfort myself that my tenant has two, a big old lab and a little ugly-bordering on cute. What a joy our pets are.
My very best out to you. You aren't judging your Dad; if indeed there is a "maker" of ours on the other side, that is for that entity. You were wise to protect yourself. I understand your pain and my heart goes out to you.