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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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i live out of state and had just moved them to assisted living because of his issues. and its away from her friends, i just don't know how to make her feel better and wish my father would just die.
If your mom doesn't have dementia and you're relatively sure of her competency, then the behavior between your mom and dad is their dynamic that has developed over the years of their marriage. Of course, his behavior could be more intense than it ever was, aggravated by a stroke and maybe he is also falling into dementia, or other mental problems where they don't have control of their moods. Either way, if your mom has all her faculties, unless you can convince her to move separately from him, there isn't much you can do about it. If you think either of them have competency issues and you have POA's, you may have some power to force movement, possibly with the help in understanding of adult protective services. In the worst case, you may have to go to court for conservatorship, but you will not get that if your mom particularly is competent.
She does have dementia. I hate that i can't just be with her and make him go away. I am taken aback at how he is so miserable and self centered at the end of his life.
call A.P.S to set up an interview, it may scare dad, & make him think twice next time they wont do anything bad,if anything reality check on respect for others, its only an idea.Dont k*ll the messanger my family is so lost im loosing my mind somedays...never alone, sometimes it hurts to help loved ones .love/hate,peace lori
nobdy is perfect keep caring for your family ,you have alot to be happy about your strong i see that ,couples care is hard your doing your best peace lori
lizzy - consider adding to your profile that you care for your mother with fementia, since thats what you said here. I completely misunderstood and thought your mother was taking care of your father who had had a stroke. But it seems, the ramifications of his stroke are that he probably can't manage the behavior of dementia, and is striking back, which is abusive to her.
You really can't allow it to go on. I agree with openhearted that you should call in APS. Let them get a picture of what's going on and maybe put the fear of God into him so to speak, if possible. If his behavior keeps up, APS will likely recommend that they be split up, and they can cause it to happen. Would you want your mom with you at that point? Is she competent enough to sign a health POA to you? Have you ever attended doctors with her? Him? Call APS & explain, they have to investigate.
Reading from other forums im realizing he has alaways been verbally abusive and now amplified. We thought about splitting them to start with but the next day my mom with her dementia wanted to be with her husband. The independent living they were at previous she would go visit hrr friends and knew evverybody. And yes i believe he is angry about her dementia. She used to take care of him.
My parents have lived with me the last three years. My dad is 89 and my mother is 86. My mother has waited on my father his whole life. I think it is a generational issue. My mom is losing her eyesight and is very frail. Even when caregivers are there, my dad will call my mom at least 100 times a days to do something for him. When I discussed this with him, he said it is was her job to take care of him and she just has a cane and he has a walker. They are getting ready to move into assisted living and I am scared for her. The caregivers in my home will stop him from abusing her. I am concerned when she gets into AL there will be no one to stop him. When I talked to her about getting separate spaces for each of them she got very upset - she says how would it look for a couple married 68 years to be separated. Then every other comment from her is how he is so mean to her and how she is scared to be alone with him in AL. I am at my wits end. They need more care than I and the caregivers can provide - but I think his constant demands on her will kill her. I have finally decided that I can't change this dynamic - he is verbally abusive and demanding and she is the "good" wife. Any suggestions about the AL? My caregivers are good about protecting her - what can I do about AL?
For both lizzie & burned - look at how similar your situations are...the reality is you may very well have to make the torturous decision to separate them. That may mean different wings, different levels of care or even different facilities. It's ultimately going to be up to each of you depending on the circumstances. Lizzy's mom is being the servant wife and Burned's mom is being the appearances wife. It's such a cultural thing ingrained in them that you'll never get them out of it.
Unless you can talk to the doctors and they agree that medication adjustment is warranted in order to keep them together, which is what your folks believe they want, you're going to have to take the reins and make contrary decisions because of their health and welfare. When you do, you must do it with all settled and kindness keeping in mind that none of them can control or amend their behavior. Also be prepared when you do split them up, you will probably want to get them together for visitation. It may work and it may not. If it does, fine. If not, you'll probably have to do some therapeutic lying about what happened to the other one so they want keep focusing on visitation. Really sad and difficult all around.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You really can't allow it to go on. I agree with openhearted that you should call in APS. Let them get a picture of what's going on and maybe put the fear of God into him so to speak, if possible. If his behavior keeps up, APS will likely recommend that they be split up, and they can cause it to happen. Would you want your mom with you at that point? Is she competent enough to sign a health POA to you? Have you ever attended doctors with her? Him? Call APS & explain, they have to investigate.
and she is the "good" wife. Any suggestions about the AL? My caregivers are good about protecting her - what can I do about AL?
For both lizzie & burned - look at how similar your situations are...the reality is you may very well have to make the torturous decision to separate them. That may mean different wings, different levels of care or even different facilities. It's ultimately going to be up to each of you depending on the circumstances. Lizzy's mom is being the servant wife and Burned's mom is being the appearances wife. It's such a cultural thing ingrained in them that you'll never get them out of it.
Unless you can talk to the doctors and they agree that medication adjustment is warranted in order to keep them together, which is what your folks believe they want, you're going to have to take the reins and make contrary decisions because of their health and welfare. When you do, you must do it with all settled and kindness keeping in mind that none of them can control or amend their behavior. Also be prepared when you do split them up, you will probably want to get them together for visitation. It may work and it may not. If it does, fine. If not, you'll probably have to do some therapeutic lying about what happened to the other one so they want keep focusing on visitation. Really sad and difficult all around.