My husband and I just moved my 80 year-old dad from Texas (where he has lived most of his life and alone for the past 30+ years) to live with us in Florida due to his recent diagnosis of Stage III Vascular Dementia. He was always very stubborn and independent and up until he began to really notice himself that he was having issues, was staunchly against moving her and most of all, moving in with his adult children. Between my younger sister and I (who will be moving here with her family as well), along with my husband, we feel we can continue to care for him and perhaps give him a better quality of life than he was previously living in the small travel trailer he called home. The doctor warned us that he would decline with the move but to see him sleeping so long each and every day has me concerned. His typical day has always started at around 4 a.m. when he would arise, drink a pot of coffee and cook himself breakfast, all before sunrise. Then he would get out and walk anywhere from 3-7 miles along the country road he'd lived on the past 16 years. He's visited us before and walked our neighborhood with no problem but now it seems he has lost his desire to get up early and get going. I work during the day and have a friend coming over mid-afternoon to "walk the dogs" and while there, visit with him and check on him for me - I'm hoping that will help him break up the day. But it seems once he gets up and dressed, all he does is sit in the recliner and watch TV and doze most all of the time. We only got home with him 6 days ago and I'm hoping things will improve as the doctor said they would after his first month. I know there were a lot of changes for him to process; the sale of his trailer, sale of his truck (and therefore loss of his driving - shouldn't have been driving anyway), and an entirely new state, home, routine, surroundings, etc. It's just so hard seeing the decline right now. He is indeed much better off with us as the climate suits him better and the scenery and lack of strong winds seem to make him somewhat happy to be away from; I just hope we didn't make a mistake by making so many changes at one time. Anyone have similar experiences they can share with positive outcome?
People get old. Their brains no longer tell them to eat or drink. They tire more easily and when they eat it's not a lot since they don't do like they used to and don't need the calories. They lose their independence so of course they aren't happy. So depressed. They r winding down. They do sleep a lot. We aren't going to have them forever. And for some of us we aren't going to be able to care for them.
I don't understand why we try to fix something that is a natural progression. We age we pass. My Mom has Dementia. I hate seeing her this way and pray she will not go thru the whole process where she no longer knows who anyone is, can't do anything for herself and sits and looks at walls.
The more you can get him up and out the stronger he will remain.
But there is only so much you can do. If he has no purpose he will decline and this is his choice. It's hard to watch but if he doesn't respond you must accept and not feel it's your fault or that it should be different.
my sis has just accepted that her husband chooses to sit there and she goes on with her life. she has to or she would get more and more frustratee and resentful.
One night I was staying with them and he woke up about 3am and walked into the living room where I was and asked me how long he has had dementia. I was shocked how clear he was about everyhting that was happening.
This was 6 years after his dementia was diagnosed! We talked all night. His last words were - "I hate to go back to bed because I know I will not remember this in the morning and you have made it so clear to me." I see that as a gift to me from him.
There are so many of us going through the same trials now with our aging parents. Keep reaching out for kind words and advice. Remember to not take it personally. They would not behave this way if they could help it. Treat them as you would want to be treated in the same situation because chances are, if we live long enough, we too will need assistance.
I was inspired with your comments. What a journey this is ! You are so open with your stress, sadness, frustration...and strength. I learn so much about "ways of dealing with IT..." And feel maybe I'm not such a failure as a caregiver to my 81yr. old husband..going on 7 yrs. now, but fortunately a fairly slow progression until this past year.
Dad's sodium levels are low but he also suffers from high blood pressure problems so his care team at the hospital want to try to find a way to balance out the issues before they let him come back home. I do hope he can get out today - I am at work this morning but will head up there at lunch to stay the remainder of the day. My emotions are up and down since last night - crying one minute and okay the next - as I think about the road ahead. I know eventually things will be even worse but I'm seeing more and more that I must simply take things a day at a time rather than become overwhelmed with thoughts of what the future will hold. One thing is for certain: I love my dad in a way I hadn't known before and am realizing how closely this resembles the love we have for our kids. Our parents indeed become our "kids" with this kind of thing and in our role as caregiver to them, at least in my case, I simply feel the need to exhibit such unconditional love to him! Yesterday while waiting in the ER, he became frustrated with the actions of one of the doctors and declared it to me once the doctor left the room. He was lashing out and expressing his feelings of anger, seeming to direct them at me. At first, I wasn't sure how to take it as he had been calm for most of the day until then, but then I realized that it wasn't me he was angry with. I allowed him to vent, quietly sitting and making eye contact as best I could with him. I became silent because if I had opened my mouth, the tears would have poured out. Once he calmed down, got something to eat, and then settled back into the bed (to once again play the waiting game), he became somewhat quiet and said to me "I'm sorry you have to put up with my words." I asked what he meant and he told me that he knew he had been mean to me with his words and that he was sorry; that he appreciates all I do for him and couldn't make it without me. I walked over, placed his face between my hands, gave him a kiss on his cheek and told him it was okay; that I understood his frustrations and that it didn't matter. I love him no matter what and will always be here for him. At that moment, I knew the unconditional love for my dad will only continue - as much as my heart aches for the man who used to be in his body, the disease has made him less proud, more humble and more willing to show the side of him that lets me know that my new role, one way or another, will bring a sense of purpose to my own life . . . thank you all for sharing your own journeys. I am so happy to be here where I can openly share these feelings with others I know will understand. Have a wonderful day:)
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