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He said he was going to drive anyway...even thou he was told he would have no insurance if he got into an accident. I live in Canada and Im lost...he wont listen to me thinks im stupid and i dont know what im talking about.
Your profile says Dad has dementia. Reasoning with someone who is losing/has lost the ability to reason is a frustrating exercise in futility.
Stop trying to "convince" him. You know he shouldn't drive. Prevent him from doing so by any means you can devise. Getting his license revoked takes time and it may not even stop him. (Do it anyway, of course.) Making the car undrivable may be the safest approach.
This is soooo hard for him, and for you. I offer you both my sympathies.
doc ' quack ' has more power than a judge but in the end it might be a judge who convinces your dad .. i would narc him out if he drives. to not do so would be criminally negligent .
Dar, if your dad has dementia in addition to his poor vision (as your profile states) then of course you're stupid, because at least in his eyes, you're still a child! Talk to his doc about how to report him to dmv to get his license revoked. "Lose" the car keys.
We've also had comments in the past about disabling his car - removing the starter or whatever it takes. It's one thing if your dad kills himself, but it's another thing if he kills other people with his insistence on driving. So stop him anyway you can.
Thanks all I of course have thought about all of those....the 2nd opinion was greated with i cant take him he will take himself so hes assured i cant set it up....disabelling his car is a no go he will just fix it...i am however thinking of putting a club on it....and just letting him discover it...that will piss him off but better that than killing someone. The eye dr has to write a letter to his reg dr who in turn reports it to the DMV and then they will write a letter to my dad asking him to turn in his licence....that takes time thou and the poor people of our town dont have time.....lol
"Im lost...he wont listen to me thinks im stupid and i dont know what im talking about"
I forgot to say: he thinks no such thing. He thinks he's facing giving up driving and he REALLY doesn't like that. When he says you don't know what you're talking about, or that you're being stupid, this is the accurate translation: "I am desperate and you are not backing me up."
With that I sympathise. I will not be chirpy about it when I have to stop driving, either. But to drive despite his failing eyesight is NOT going to be the answer to his problem. Counting up the money he'll save not running a car - fuel, road tax, insurance, maintenance, parking charges - now, that might cheer him up a bit.
Is his car worth anything? Would its resale price buy him something he's always wanted?
And, by the way, helping him figure out how he's going to get around once he's not driving is very important. Otherwise he'll feel like he's under house arrest.
Darbaby, I'm sorry. You sound so sad and upset, and I don't blame you.
Are your local social services involved with you and your Dad? If not, I wonder if it's time you gave them a ring. He seems to need a lot of support, and given his attitude to you and your own health needs it doesn't seem like a good idea for you to be his main caregiver. Why not give them a call and ask for advice? - you should be able to find contact details on line pretty easily.
By the way, this would not be grassing on him! Most social workers are practical, sensible people who set out to help, that's all. And I think you really need a bit of space to look after yourself, and to recover more from the loss of your mother. Just an idea, take care of yourself x
Hi Darbaby, When you have the time, it might be a good idea to make a trip to the DMV and explain to an administrator the urgency of the situation and why you need to get that letter in your hands immediately. It's terrible to think that one has to be so devious, or seemingly devious, to one's own parent, but it is the right thing to do. Keep him off the road even if it means a low-grade argument over it. Just think if he were to accidentally strike someone on the road, or cause a serious road accident involving him and other innocent people. I know this must be incredibly difficult, if not darned impossible to do, but we'll all sleep better knowing he is off the road and not a menace to himself and others. --- BIG HUGs ---
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Stop trying to "convince" him. You know he shouldn't drive. Prevent him from doing so by any means you can devise. Getting his license revoked takes time and it may not even stop him. (Do it anyway, of course.) Making the car undrivable may be the safest approach.
This is soooo hard for him, and for you. I offer you both my sympathies.
I forgot to say: he thinks no such thing. He thinks he's facing giving up driving and he REALLY doesn't like that. When he says you don't know what you're talking about, or that you're being stupid, this is the accurate translation: "I am desperate and you are not backing me up."
With that I sympathise. I will not be chirpy about it when I have to stop driving, either. But to drive despite his failing eyesight is NOT going to be the answer to his problem. Counting up the money he'll save not running a car - fuel, road tax, insurance, maintenance, parking charges - now, that might cheer him up a bit.
Is his car worth anything? Would its resale price buy him something he's always wanted?
And, by the way, helping him figure out how he's going to get around once he's not driving is very important. Otherwise he'll feel like he's under house arrest.
Are your local social services involved with you and your Dad? If not, I wonder if it's time you gave them a ring. He seems to need a lot of support, and given his attitude to you and your own health needs it doesn't seem like a good idea for you to be his main caregiver. Why not give them a call and ask for advice? - you should be able to find contact details on line pretty easily.
By the way, this would not be grassing on him! Most social workers are practical, sensible people who set out to help, that's all. And I think you really need a bit of space to look after yourself, and to recover more from the loss of your mother. Just an idea, take care of yourself x
Also I agree with Countrymouse that is very important that you let him know he will not be deserted without a car/license..
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