Dad with Dementia has begun the dying process. To those who've gone through this, how long will this period last?
As I posted previously, Dad fell and broke his hip two weeks ago. He was in the hospital 5 days before being moved back to the nursing home. Though he seemed to make progress, he began to sleep extensively. Saturday he ate some of his breakfast, but only about ten bites of lunch before refusing to eat further. He hasn't eaten since then and has had only a few sips of fluid, which was on Monday. Today is Thursday. He has been in a deep sleep since early Monday. We can feel the vibration in his lungs from fluid and he was suctioned several times. That has stopped now. His oxygen content on Wednesday evening was 90%, even with oxygen being supplied, but his blood pressure was still very good. He seems comfortable, is getting pain meds when needed but they don't seem to be needed that frequently if at all now.
For those of you who've gone through this, how long might Daddy last at this point? Most folks I've spoken to say maybe 3-4 days after eating and drinking has stopped, some say several weeks. I hope he doesn't linger for weeks... It seems Dad just decided he didn't want to eat anymore -- he was having terrible trouble swallowing and I think most of what he was eating was being aspirated toward the end. On Saturday as we sat with him during lunch he just sat and stared into a corner of the room above the table. He wouldn't look at either Mom or myself, seemed like he couldn't figure out how. Late as he lay in bed he asked for Mom though she was right there. She asked, "Can't you see me?" and he said no.
I agree with others here...talk to him. He will hear you. My husband passed away in August. I was told by a visitor who had experienced several deaths in his family...that hearing is the last thing to go. He advised me to speak to my husband and tell him...it was okay to go. A day before he died, my husband, in a medically induced sleeping state, responded with his hands when visitors would speak to him. So, I know that he was hearing them. The next evening, when there was further decline in his breathing, his sons and I, at bedside, told him it was okay to go. He passed 15 minutes later.
Say what you need to say to your father...tell him you and the family will be okay...and then release him.
I wish you and your family, including your father...peace.
What was healing for me was when I was told that there is not a more special place to be than at Heaven's gate handing your loved one over to God. So ditto to Countrymouse, focusing on just being with your father is where it is at. Surrounding you and your mom with prayer.
My mom has been on hospice 18months. She has surprised all nurses and doctors as to how long she has been hanging on. She's had falls, bladder infections, pneumonia, a feeding tube put in and later removed, mini strokes, etc. but she's a fighter. Last week I was the given the blue book by hospice(for the second time)someone referred to. The pamplet is "Gone from my sight" The Dying Experience by Barbara Karnes. The best most helpful thing I ever saw was the you tube video by her. Just go to You Tube and put in "Gone from my sight". It is about 2hrs long but EXTREMELY informative and helpful.
I hope sharing this helps many others going through this tough time.
alwayslearning asked how things were going since I originally posted five days ago. Daddy passed away this morning (February 11) at 6:10 AM. So it took 9 days for the process. Mom was with him most of the time, sleeping in his room at the nursing home at night. Though he had a semi-private room (shared with a roommate who was in about the same stage of dementia as he was) the staff moved Daddy into a room by himself so that Mom would have a bed to sleep on and so visitors could have some privacy. That was very kind of them. I stayed with her the last three nights, as it seemed each evening that Dad might be leaving us. The hospice nurse visited yesterday at about 2:00 PM and pointed out some of the changes that had taken place just since her prior visit. She couldn't tell us when Dad might go, but she felt it would be very soon, and it was. She was amazed that he lasted so long. His heart was the last thing to go, as it just kept beating and pumping.
I can't say enough nice things about the hospice staff and the nursing home staff. They were wonderful and kind and showed their love for my Dad, even though they only knew him for 3 months. I have felt so sorry for Dad's roommate. He was so sad and agitated about what has happened. Even though he has dementia he still knew what was going on.
Dad will be missed. He didn't want a funeral or an obituary in the paper (he said he was tired of reading the half-page spreads that people put in the newspapers these days). There will just be a graveside service and a burial notice in the paper. The person at the funeral home wanted to put names of survivors and a few other tidbits in the notice so people would know it was Dad who died, but Mom said no, that she was already doing more than Dad wanted by placing a burial notice. We told him that those who saw the burial notice would know it was Dad.
Again, thank you all so much for your input and support. It has meant the world to me.
Missing your father and being grateful that he is at peace go well together, they're both part of loving him. But the loss is still always hard to take. Please accept my sympathies and best wishes.
One of the symptoms of Dad's decline was the inability to swallow. He really struggled with it. He began receiving thickened liquids and his food was pureed. This worked for a few days but then he could no longer eat or drink at all. The few bites or sips he had been taking were being aspirated. I have read and heard that when a person stops eating or drinking he has simply begun the natural process of dying. We had to remind Dad to chew and swallow because he would just chew a few times and stop, as though he had no food in his mouth or forgot that it was there.
I sometimes think people are so misinformed about the true process of dying. All we hear about are people dying from accidents, murders, suicides, during their sleep, etc. We don't hear that much, or see that much, about the process of death when the body actually shuts down and the person dies over the course of several days or a week. Being with my Dad when he passed away was an experience I'll never forget. It was an honor to be there. It was difficult to watch at times, due to his weight loss, breathing problems, etc. But I believe that being exposed to this (I also was with my FIL during his dying process, but not the end of it), instead of it being perceived as something to keep people away from, would be a benefit to us all as human beings, as it would teach about the sanctity of life and what living and dying is all about. People shouldn't be sheltered from it.