I cared and supported Earl (the father) for years. We were at one time a couple but never married--- because of his extreme alcoholism all of the things that go along with being an alcoholic - he did not work - was mentally, physically and financially abusive to me I advised him years ago that unless he quit drinking, we were through - the drinking and abuse would get better for a short time but always came back.. I never had the heart to kick him out as he had no where to go and I always hoped that he would change and he did not make enough SS to even rent a dump apartment, well he did change and not for the better - the dementia kicked in and over the last 7 years he steadily went downhill. These years were incredibly difficult for me - I worked full time, cared for him all the while asking his two daughters and one son(none of them mine TG) for help in caring for him and to get him to stop drinking 2 cases of beer a day -- they ignored my pleas for help and were all in total denial of his drinking ....and downward spiral until their father started ending up in the ER from falls a couple of years ago. One of the ER doctors ending up shaming the daughters and son on their lack of help after I answered her questions about his care honestly. That started a shit storm of crap and they pretty much declared me the enemy and while they showed him some more attention it was pretty much dysfunctional - anyway long story short they and I do not get along.
After he started falling every other day (weighs 300 plus lbs - that beer can really pack on the pounds) and about every other fall resulting in an ER visit, and no help from his children - I who weight 115 lbs was picking him up - plus running back and forth from work to home to care for him - I advised his children that my health was failing, he was too much of a fall risk and that I was not going to be able to care for him anymore, this really made them angry but still did not offer to help care for him. I applied for Medicaid for him based on his SS and got him placed - the whole time I was doing this all I got from them was bullshit - one of the daughters finally took him for a weekend to prove me wrong - and after about 8 hours and 2 falls - she agree that he needed nursing home care - brought him back and promptly went back to her denial as soon as she dropped him off. i got him placed in NH about a year ago and submitted his application for Medicare and paid the nursing home until the Medicare kicked in - as soon as that happened they jumped in - took over his social security ck - cleaned out his bank account (they were pissed that I had taken 400.00 out of his account to bring it down to Medicare amt and I used the 400.00 to buy him TV, toiletries and clothes for the NH - of course I spent more than the 400.00 but....add to that for the last 10 years I charged him 400.00 in rent per month - that gave him his own bedroom and bath, all utilities paid - food (this alone for him was well over his rent) and access to a vehicle, and free nursing care all he was no longer to do anything even bathroom by himself. I have never been thanked for any of this from him or them in fact all continue to be pissed at me that I was not able to continue to support and care for him.
Anyway, I go to see him in NH in the evenings every other day, they go to see him on Saturdays as a group for a couple hours, we no longer speak and I have been cut out of all family functions. I continue to see him as it does give him some comfort - this can be difficult for me as sometimes the abuse flashbacks and the crappy way that I have been treated just make me so very angry, especially the fact that I let myself be such a victim. I am working on that through faith and prayer and hope to be able to forgive them all someday but not there yet.
Anyway, lots of background to get to this, I got a call the other day from CC company saying they were checking on his credit card (he had had one from this company - I have pretty much paid off his cc's and just let them expire) I told them that and they said no on the new application. After a little more info from them I realized that his daughter had sent them new application, so I told them he was in NH and only had 60.00 a month income - and was in no mental state to open a cc account.
If she has tried this with one cc company, I am sure she has applied for other cc's in his name - this is credit card fraud and identity theft .... to her own Dad with dementia. What should I do - if she has done it to other companies they may not catch it. I feel like I should at least let the other (more of a bitch but much more responsible) daughter know ...or perhaps I should just ignore and move on, what do you think?
I'm sending my praises to, you, Louise, for having cared enough to actually take care of Earl for so long, being sure he was appropriately cared for in a facility that could handle him, and for looking out for his best interests. Also, I didn't read anything about revenge, just mutual resentment. Please remember, folks, we're here to support caregivers, and it seems to me that she's been a remarkable one, considering the circumstances.
It is, however, time for you. You've done your best, it might be time to completely step away from him and his family.
LadeeC
As for the bank account - he gave them his debit card and pin number, they then went from ATM to ATM withdrawing until all of his funds and more (as I had overdraft protection on his account) once I received a notification of overdraft - I cancelled the overdraft protection so they were not able to withdraw anymore. He was not able to drive the last year or so that he was at my house, so he was not able to buy beer so his bank account had a couple of thousand dollars in it.
The social security information was given to them by me when I placed him in NH, I provided each one of them - his full SS, insurance, medical and financial records at that same time I asked them to contact lawyer so they could get power of attorney for him. I also offered to take my name off his bank account and replace it with one of theirs. They ended up printing out POA's from the internet and having their Dad sign them - after he was placed in NH with moderate to severe dementia..
So yes, I am harboring a lot of anger towards them, not only for how shabbily they treated me but also the way they did him. I am told by both my church group and in Al Anon meetings that if I continue to pray for them nightly and forgive them nightly eventually my anger will subside and so I will continue to do that. I have no want to do anything legal or to get revenge against the daughter who is applying for credit cards in his name - but I do want it stopped - it is unfair to him and to his other children as any charges will eventually have to be paid - and in the meantime I don't want to be getting calls and letters from the credit card company.
After thinking this through a bit more, I mailed all of the letters from cc company to the other daughter who has his financial POA along with brief explanation- she is aware of her sisters credit card abuse as her sister did the same thing to her years ago, I also wrote the credit card company and gave them her information that should get me out of it and get it stopped which is all I want. If it continues I will do the security freeze.
Again, thanks for the responses
Forgiveness can be a two-way street. I think the siblings have as much right to be angry with you as you at them. Perhaps if you had left him, he might have straightened out, but with alcoholism and w/o professional support, that also might not have been likely. Still, you tolerated his self abuse and behavioral abuse. You're not without blame in this situation.
Given that you two were a couple, how was it that his children cleaned out his bank account? Your partner must have signed signature cards authorizing them to access the account. And how did they "take over" his SS funds? Did they have powers of attorney?
Put a security freeze on his credit report; that'll put a stop to any new credit card accounts. And cancel the existing ones.
Frankly, I think it's a little bit self righteous to be so critical of his children when you yourself didn't take action to address his alcoholism, but continued to support him and compensate. The blame is not on the children alone.
What I think is that you should get counseling to address why you, as in your own words, became a victim. Stop being judgmental and find positive ways to move forward.
I wrote this frankly not to be cruel, but to be realistic, and hopefully helpful to see the role you played as well as to move past the anger you feel toward the children, and perhaps your partner.