How to deal with cousins that aren't around?
My sister and I take care of our 83 yr old Mother. She is blind, deaf, and partially paralyzed on left side of body. She has dementia, with occasional short term memory issues. She has so many health issues it would take forever to list, she has had serious health issues for 40 years. Recently she was taken to ER because she was sleeping 23 hours a day and was mentally altered. Turns out it was a severe UTI, at home and doing better now.
My issue is this, my sister called my Mother's niece (they are very close in age and were raised like sisters) because we thought she was going to die. My cousin was here for 2 days and has taken it upon herself to tell us that we are not taking proper care of our mother. Mother has VERY specific wishes regarding her care. My cousin keeps insisting on a feeding tube (which Mother refuses) and told the ER/hospital staff and even called Mother's home health nurse and insisted upon one. She lives in a different state and has not seen Mother in over a year and she is causing serious problems. Calling doctors, home health nurse, social workers...I called her last night and asked her to please stop calling the medical professionals, to only contact me...she BLEW UP! Started telling me that we were killing my Mother, she was being ignored, abused, etc etc etc! She has NO clue what's going on here...WHAT DO I DO?! How can I get her to stop?! She says she is going to keep showing up at our house, unannounced, to make sure Mother is being taken care of...I asked her not to, because it disrupts our routine, and confuses Mother.
If you have an attorney, have him write a CEASE and DESIST letter to her.
Make no further contact and instruct her to do the same.
After issuing the letter to her via certified mail, should she show up at the door, do not answer it, call 911 and ask the PD to remove her from the property.
Under HIPAA, unless your mother or her POA or her guardian has given permission for medical professionals to talk to your cousin, NO ONE is allowed to discuss your mother's care with your cousin, much less follow her directives. I hope that her call with instructions to the home health nurse was NOT successful (if nurse followed COUSIN'S instructions, time to change staff!)
If you have a copy in writing of the VERY specific wishes on your mother's care, you can offer to read it to the cousin if you want. Don't give her a copy - it will fuel her narcissism and love of drama. Make sure copies of any directives are given to each health care provider, and keep one handy for the hospital or EMT's if you call 911.
Unfortunately, it sounds like your cousin is not a person that you can ASK not to act in this manner. Boundaries will have to be set and you will have to enforce them. You can tell her that due to your mother's frail health and to protect her from distress that would cause further health problems, visiting is restricted to certain times and days with you or your sister present to make sure that her medical care plan is being followed without interference from unauthorized persons. You have a right to restrict access to your own home to individuals that cause problems. If your cousin has a key to the house, change the locks. She does not sound like someone who is respecting your rights to privacy or honoring your mother's wishes. With narcissists, it is all about THEM, center of the psychic storm.
If you have to, put a sign on front door that says "POSTED NO TRESPASSING" on the front and back door. You would not put up with this behavior from a stranger - it always surprises me when relatives who were not involved in day to day care suddenly develop a desire to be the center of attention.
I am very sorry that someone that you felt this close to is now making it all about HER at the time it should be about your mother. (hugs)