My parents never had a kind word for each other, they argued continuously for as far back as I remember. They are under stress as they are close to outliving their money. They are each in rapid physical and mental decline. I recently became aware that my mother (who has always been a very difficult person) now slaps my father when they argue. She was physically abusive when we were children, so it is how she reacts when she is angry. My father is able to defend himself, and that worries us, that he will strike back at some point. In fact, we think she may be doing it so that he will react and she can be the victim.
My mother would be considered legally competent, as would my father. There doesn't seem to be a source for advice for problems like these. Especially since my father won't admit it's happening. It must be humiliating. He isn't kind to her either, but it's hard to say who is worse in the verbal abuse department.
Each of my parents are in need of psychiatric evaluation for dementia. Things are deteriorating so rapidly it makes my head spin. Before my father's fall he was a danger on the road. He'd totaled two cars and had several fender benders in the two years prior (how he still had insurance is a mystery to me also). There was absolutely no reasoning with him about the issue, he simply said his driving ability was as good as ever and become very angry at the suggestion he had lost the ability.
Although I don't have HIPAA rights, I called his doctor's office to tell them that they should evaluate him and persuade him to give up driving (they couldn't talk to me, I left a message). That wasn't long before he broke his hip, so presumably nothing came of it. My parent's care is fragmented. Although they do have a PCP, either by design or accident, he does not coordinate the specialists.
Also, they can fake it for short periods, or could until recently. So if their doctor is worried about decline, but they refuse assessment, there isn't a red flag that would cause him to insist. As I said, each is in a rapid downward spiral, particularly my mother, so it may be clear to anyone that something is amiss even if she is on good behavior.
They fought throughout their marriage, but I never witnessed physical abuse between them. I can say to a certainty, my father never physically abused my mother. Now I don't know what went on with her treatment of him after I left home 35+ years ago.
I don't know why they didn't divorce. They are Catholic, the Church would not recognize a civil divorce, but if they didn't remarry etc. they could remain in good standing.
It is impossible to talk to my mother about almost anything. She doesn't think she is wrong because she told a family member she did it, and even slapped him in front of another.
I will explore what I can. Many valuable suggestions would work if these were reasonable people. Then, if they were reasonable, we wouldn't be in this mess.
Thanks everyone for your input. Any new advice is also welcome.
Does anyone here know if it is easier to get care for them as a couple, or divide their finances to protect their assets?
I have no idea what you can do about it, none. Have you tried saying out loud to the two of them together that you fear for the consequences if they continue as they are? If so, how did they react?
If not, and they end his stay, he can't go home. If he is well enough, maybe he can get a one bedroom apartment in a 55+ building for a while to buy some time to figure this out.
To be really plain, their time living together is probably over and the medical problems are the catalyst.
Another sad but plain thing is that were they to divorce, they could probably both end up getting more assistance for care than if they stayed married but separate.
Talk to the social worker where your dad is at and find out what options are. The state can assign a guardian/conservator to manage their affairs. It can be a family member or not. I would not volunteer. If they didn't provide a way for you kids to provide care to them, then this is the bed they have made.
Your mother needs a cognitive assessment by a geriatric specialist. One sign of dementia is loss of emotional regulation and inhibitions. My mother was also verbally & physically abusive before dementia. After dementia it got worse. Her anger would ignite in an instant. She is combative and aggressive. She doesn't know what all her pills are for and thinks they are vitamins. One of them is an antipsychotic to reduce her agitation, paranoia, and combativeness. Without it, she thinks everyone is trying to kill her
$2500/month for rent is pretty darn good. My mom's memory care rent is over $7,000 a month and yes, we are spending every red cent she has to her name on care. Mom's prescriptions are on top of that, as is her medigap policy.
Let it go.
I was inaccurate above, I didn't understand how it would impact advice. For Medicare reasons which I don't understand, my father was discharged from rehab a few days ago. It was unsafe for him to go home, so he is by himself in an "independent care" facility. At $2500+ a month it will burn through their remaining assets quickly. .
As are all these situations, there are more complications than imaginable.
Contacting an elder law attorney might help with financial planning to allow one to stay in the home with help, and the other to receive care in a nursing home or assisted living. We have neighbors in this situation for more than two years, without much change except poor medical and money management that an attorney could have prevented with a relatively appropriate investment. Now their money has dwindled, he is not getting the care he needs, but he has stayed in
c o n t r o l !!! Ask your mother what she wants first, and try that. (Yes, without taking sides).
There may be a solution in terms of protecting them from harming each other physically. That would probably involve physical separation. One in a nursing home and one staying at home with some in-home care, perhaps. Or one in a nursing home and one in an assisted living facility. Would they qualify for Medicaid? Do they have resources they could use to pay for their care?
You know the saying about reaping what you sew? (Harvesting what you plant?) I think that this is an example of behavior they have performed and accepted for decades coming to its natural outcome. You can't plant anger and abuse and expect to harvest kindness and compassion.
Do what you can to protect your parents from the worst outcomes of their behavior, but remember that this is Not Your Fault. Absolutely don't beat yourself up or feel guilty if you can't impose a perfect solution on the situation.
4) If it can work out, arrange an assisted living facility with separate rooms. Mother will improve with less stress, maybe. 5) I have lost count, but want to include being very supportive of you in this difficult situation,.. You need time.
Stand strong. Do not take sides. You can do this if you apply yourself to these issues early on. 6) Ask them, individually, in a conversation, to be kind to each other and treat each other with respect. Be as firm as necessary, say you can report this behavior and then their options will be very limited. If you see it happening, that is when you make the report to Adult Protective Services, it is senior abuse, it is a crime. So sorry you had to live with this, with help, you can be an instrument for change, love them both anyway. Then, plan on detaching with love.
The question I should have asked is that they are looking at retirement livivg places when he gets out of rehab, but shouldn't be together. Finances don't allow an alternative.
Is this a problem with a solution?
Have you lived with your parents the whole time? Maybe slapping your Dad when they argue is something your Mom had been doing all a long, but kept it at bay when you children were around. Now she doesn't care.