Follow
Share

My mom's birthday was Saturday. My husband and I went to the NH took her presents. My husband commented on the picture of our latest grandchild on her wall. My mom said she looks like Paul who was my dad...then she said isn't that strange since she is not blood related. I said but, mom she is because she is my son's daughter who was his grandson, making her his great-granddaughter. My mom said you know that is not true in real life....I kept bringing up reminders of the relationship between me and my dad, my son etc and she kept saying not in real life. Both of my parents were known for their infidelities while they were married. it was always well known and discussed my whole life. I know her mind is fading, but now I am obsessed with what she meant. Was she telling me my dad wasn't my dad ? My dad died in 1979. My mom's blood type is A mine is O I just always thought I had my dad's. There is no one that can answer my question..my husband just changed the subject and she dropped the conversation. I thought about asking her again. My husband said he just does not matter it is what it is and he was my dad my whole life and that her mind is just gone, but why would she say that ? Good grief I know how silly this sounds but I cannot stop thinking about it..even to the point of looking at pictures of my dad and trying to find my face in his. Both of my parent had the same coloring other than my mom has fair skin and my dad had olive colored skin which I do. Delusions and fading memories can really wreck havoc for those of us listening.. Just needed to get it off my chest.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing

30 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
My Mom often says things too that are just due to her dementia. She forgot that my sister is married and that my husband has siblings and where my brother lives etc.etc. but I do know that she loves me and that I love her and in the end thats all that matters.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I scooted to the bottom & did not read any responses'. I answer from the Heart...Do you wish to be happy or right? I understand that you wish to know of your roots. WE all are related, when it comes down to it. FACT.

I invite you to step through this....You can spin you wheels all day long on this but is it serving you ? It is just what I ask myself a lot....Happy Thanksgiving & all that you Bless....
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I would chalk it up her confusion. If you are comfortable in your relationship with your dad, just let it go.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
It just doesn't matter to me anymore...my dad was my dad and I dearly loved him and him me. In my heart and soul he is my dad in everyway.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
2T - if you feel this is just going to be gnawing at you for years to come, then by all means get paternity DNA testing done.

You just never know…..it's hard to imagine that our parents could have been young, carefree & careless. I say that because we have a 17 yr old and he flat cannot imagine that his parents did all the things we did in our "youth"; he just cannot see the 50+ yr old mom X the table from him once was quite the hottie traveling in Latin America or that his now 60+ dad hitchhiked & tomcatted around Europe. 1 egg & 1 sperm @ the right moment & coulda happen!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
SweetDebbie welcome. please keep comming back. there is no such thing as stupid question nor if it is inconsequential if it matters to you there will be someone here who has an answe, suggestion or sympathy.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
My husband and I live at my mother's home to take care of her. She has dementia and recently has become dilusional. I realize that her reality may be different than what is real. I am learning how to deal with it all and have to resist being argumentative when I know what she is saying isn't true. This is still a learning experience for us. It is so sad to watch the changes in her. She sleeps alot and isn't interested in any activities. I have recently found this web site and am grateful for the information I have learned so far.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Since my cousin was diagnosed with dementia she has become very delusional at times. Quite a few times, she has told me that it seems like she's in a dream. She has asked me if she is dreaming and told me that things seemed "different' and dream like. She has said this on many occasions. I'm not sure how much she can understand, but I tell her that she's in real life and that unless she's lying in bed asleep, then she's not dreaming. That seems to satisfy her.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
People with dementia say bizarre things all the time. "Not in real life" could mean anything. If she'd said nice Mister Jones who lived down the street was your biological father, then there might be cause for concern, but even then it might not be true.
Anyway, she might not even know who your bio dad was, if she played around a lot. Unless you want to take a DNA test, you'll never know for sure. It's probably best to dismiss it.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
2tsnana, I could just imagine what you were going through by your Mom saying what she did. I know if my Mom or Dad had said something similar I wouldn't be able to shake it out of my head, I would become obsessed with it. It could just be the dementia talking but I would want to know for sure.

You mentioned older half-siblings.... if you are close to them, could you say "You wouldn't believe what my Mom said to me last week", and tell them what she said, and see if they have a reaction. If they say "oh that is silly", then you know it was the dementia talking. Or maybe Mom had watched a TV soap opera thinking it was her real family.

Next week mention the photo again and see what she says... it might be something different.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Linda22 you are so correct. It seems that at this stage with my mom I am having to come to terms with something new everyday. It is so hard and I would not wish it on my worst enemy...I do believe we are coming to an intersection of some sort whether it be her passing or just disappearing all together. I pray it is passing that would be a blessing for us both ...all be it a hard one, but disappearing would be almost unbearable.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Please remember that father is a verb too - it's all about wiping tears, cheering your successes, hugging you until you broke the hug and teaching you what kind of man you deserve. You were blessed with a man who understood how to father well. You're dealing with losing your mom to a horrid disease. Perhaps you should set this aside and in the future, revisit whether you feel a need to follow up. For now, let knowing how much he loved you comfort you in your painful journey.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I went to see my mom today and she told me she was building a house. She pointed across the street from the NH. I said I bet it will be pretty when you are done. She was excited. Today is my half-brother's birthday he was her child too. He passed away in 1997 I said you know today is his birthday and she said I sure do miss him I said you will see him again she said I would like that. She told me a story about him buying his own bicycle when he was nine. I was watching her face today as she ate her lunch and it is becoming more blank by the day. Today it took all I could do to not cry because I thought of what she said Saturday about my dad and I know that her mind is just disappearing more and more everyday. Right before I left she said when will you be back and I said tomorrow she said good. This is a very sad time. I have gone through so many phases with her good, bad and horrible. I have hated her, loved her and pitied her. I will be glad to know the end of this story......it won't be happy, but it will be a relief.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
We're so glad that you find comfort in this community. You are helping others while you seek comfort yourself.
Take care,
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Thank you. As the days pass and the shock wears off the more content I become. I sat down and looked through old pictures and I know he was my dad. I see too many people who look like me on his side. I am going with that anyway. ;-) My mom has been delusional for many years and in the past few months she is more delusional than she is clear. It is a sad time for us all and the addition of comments like that just add to the confusion. My dad was my heart and still is, losing him at 22 was hard and sudden, but I will say watching my mom disappear daily is harder....her and I have struggled for years, but the biggest thing I feel now is anxious pity. She wears me out...I know she cannot help it now. Thank you all for you sweet, helpful comments. This sight is a lifesaver for me.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
I'm so sorry you have to live with this, but please understand that many people with dementia have said such things even when there has been no infidelity at all. They mix up people and past events and cognitively are in an era where even the person they've been married to for decades isn't recognized.

I'd consider this a delusion. It sounds as if your husband is supportive of you and he handled this well. Try to do the same as he did - just change the subject if this comes up again.

As you can see on this thread of comments, others have heard some pretty bizarre things from their parents as well. Painful as it is, it's best to ignore it and move forward. You truly aren't alone.

Please keep us up on how you are doing.
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
You've got a couple of choices.

1. You can go about this in a matter of fact way and ask your siblings to co-operate in DNA testing. Where would you go from there? Depends what the results are. Either a) your mind will be set finally at rest or b) you won't know who the devil you are but on the other hand it might explain a good deal about past dysfunction.

2. You can accept that in our all-too human world a great many people are labouring under an illusion about who their dads are. And their mothers, in some cases (mainly those beloved by tv soap writers). This is harder to do, but it maintains the status quo. Which is not so bad. Your family is still your family. Still the people you know, whom you grew up with, with whom you have the important relationships.

So. Your best case scenario is that you have the test, your dad is your dad, and all's well with the world except for your mother being a bit confused :/ Worst case scenario, you end up paranoid and obsessively peering at family photos for the rest of your days. If it weren't for needing the co-operation and consent of others, I'd know which I'd go for - how would your siblings react, do you suppose, if you presented them with the idea of definitive research?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Correction to post above. Meant to say she was likely wrong about what she said about YOUR dad.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
From what you described, I doubt your mom has the ability to form intent to drop a bomb shell. She likely has no idea that what she said what concerning. And of course, it's highly likely that she was completely wrong about her dad. Still, if have some other reason to explore, you have that right.

I met a cousin recently that we never knew we had. The lovely lady discovered who her father was and contacted him. They met shortly before he died. Our family has grown to know her and we are all happy that she has joined our family. In our case, it's turned out great. Her father, who was my uncle, had other children, and they are thrilled to have another sibling.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
P[ease try and find comfort in the fact that your father was your father. he raised you. he loved you. and never questioned where you came from. not enough people experience the unconditional love you recieved. it does not matter where the sperm came from. the minute your tiny body entered the world you were his little girl and remained so to the end of his life. God bless him.
Do not question your mother further. You will never know if she speaks the truth or even knows the truth. Your daddy loved you above all else that is enough.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
My husband was with me when she said all that and he was confused about it too. I visit my mom everyday and seldom does he go with me i even thought him being there may have over stimulated her head because she was crazier than usual Saturday. Plus I noticed while we were there her oxygen was not on. I turned it on maybe it was low oxygen levels. Surely she would not wait until now to drop a bomb life that.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I talked to my husband and he said to just ask her and see what she says. I think I am afraid of what she will say. My mom's mind has disappeared at rapid rate since she broke her hip in March. My family has so many halfs/steps in it he said she might have just got it all confused. I come from dysfunction with a capital D, but I have never questioned my parentage until now. I am 59 and just want peace in my life. I am tired.....tired of worrying, tired of caregiving...just plain tired now I am tired and confused.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
All good comments here and I'm so glad you wrote. Life dishes us all some pretty weird stuff to process. What helps me a lot is thinking that things could be much worse... so, I count my Blessings and keep going forward...
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
You can make yourself crazy, or simply accept that dementia says some very strange things that have no connection to reality.
My MIL recently told me that nana was smuggled into the US on a train from Canada. I know for a fact that nana arrived from Italy on a boat and landed in Philadelphia.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
I do have half sibling that are a lot older than I am two that are in their 80's. I have not seen them in many years they did not care for my mom so when he died I kind of got left behind too. I don't think I do want to know because I would have no clue where to go from there and I would not want any of them to know because it would just be terrible. Her and I have struggled for so many years and we have finally come to a peace between us. I pray it is just her craziness. She always told me how silly my dad was about me and how much he loved me. I have to figure out how to just drop it in my head...because it would change nothing...it is what it is not matter what. I would give anything to go back and redo Saturday and take all that out of it....I have tried for so long to understand why I have had her to take care of for so long when she didn't me (a whole other story) goodness sakes...I have made peace with that as in everything has a purpose, it is God's decision that I do it and I abide by that...so on and so on......now it is just a jumble.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
It just occured to me "not in real life" could mean any number of things to a dementia patient. If she really meant "he's not your father", that's what she would have said. "Not in real life" probably has some other meaning to her.

Do you have half siblings? Do you REALLY want to go for genetic testing with one of them?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
If you have a real interest, you might take on the challenge and try to investigate, but if you don't want to find out any different, I would leave it alone.

Sometimes those with dementia say things that are not true. My cousin says things that I know are not true. She says she was in a movie and in love with a man in the movie last week, but she didn't know if their relationship would work. lol Well, she wasn't in a movie ever. One day she said her medical doctor was sleeping in a bed in her Memory Care Unit. I know he's never been there. So, it's things that aren't true, but they believe it, so I go along with it.

If there is independent cause to search for some other person as your father, you certainly could pursue it, but for some people that opens too many cans of worms.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I have taken care of her since 1997 . I was my daddy's girl his baby born when my dad was 43 and she was 25. My dad had other children by previous marriages, but I was the only one they had together. When he passed I was 22 and even then would sit in his lap and rub his old sweet head. When I was born they always joked that my dad left the hospital because he said I didn't look like any of his other children. My mom said the dr. told him that I was the baby she had and they all laughed. I loved my daddy and he loved me. I know that I will never have the answer and I just need to forget it, but I am having some trouble with that. The only one that can answer it is mentally gone... Seriously, this has messed me up.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
A lady in our assisted living told a co-worker that her (resident's) husband was picking her up for a dinner date. She was all dressed up and sitting in the lobby. Her husband was deceased for 20 plus years. My co-worker believed her. Another lady swore up and down someone stole her new purse she just received for Mother's Day. Upon search, it was found in her closet in a sack. She put it there for safe keeping, but in her head, it was gone so it must have been stolen. A gentleman called the maintenance man about twice a week to clear the gamblers out of his furnace closet. He really believed there was a floating crap game in there.
Having said that, these people, in their heart, believe these thing wholeheartedly. Does this have anything to do with your parentage? Could she be having delusions? Maybe, maybe not. Your dad is the man who raised you. If you just can't help yourself and you must open that can of worms, be prepared. Please don't give one elderly woman's rantings more weight that they are worth.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Oh, you poor dear! I'm so sorry that this has surfaced. I think you may just have to live with this.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter