My husband has 10 sibling, of those relatives, only is Mentally Ill, schizophrenic and has the IQ of a 10 year old. he is a ward of the state. The parents are both deceased and now siblings take turns looking after him ( visiting, taking him out and trying to spend tim with him) However , I have been married since 1995. the family members would take turns intermittently to bring out the brother , we will call him Samson. So he would come to someone house, spend the night for the entire weekend. But he needed assistance being 6"4 246 pounds, to take showers, going to the bathroom, brushing teeth, putting on shoes with laces and getting dressed. It has gotten to the point where as he is violent with the family, yelling and stating that he will not return to his site, He hears voices in his head and wants to do harm to himself and or people. I have gotten to the point that I dont want to bring him to my house for an entire weekend, let alone a holiday weekend. But the additional 9 family members have either stopped picking him up completely , or they make it 2-3 times a year. My husband has had his brother in 2014 2013, 2012, 2011, and 2010( year of my brain surgery ). ,23 weekends including every holiday. I mean valentines, Mothers day, Good Friday, Easter, Veterans Day , Indenpendence day . I told him ( my husband ) that I am tired and feel neglected. Its costly, time consuming, and Im totally afraid that he could harm my children or me. my husband insist that becuase his family has forgotten about his brother, he will not turn his back on him. So even on Mothers day in 2014, My husband told me , you are not my mother, I am bringing over Samson, he deserves to be out with his family. I am so depressed about this, becuase I feel that my conerns and feelings are being put to the side. I no longer speak to his other siblings , becuase in 2010 of June, I had brain surgery to where my cerebellum ( lower part of my brain was falling into my spine). My surgery was in June. Then In Sept my husband was diagnosed with an brain tumor and needed immediate surgery. He had surgery in November. These Jerks continue to contact my husband after his surgery within weeks. To ask if Samson could come over and stay the holiday weekend for Christmas and New years. My husband said yes no problem. I ended up waiting on him hand and foot. I have since now stated, I will lift no fingr, no cooking of meals, no washing clothes, no driiving in my car to pick him up, nonthing. I am filing for divorce, becuase I should not have to be neglected for an in law who is disabled. He is so violent and mentally Ill, he is a ward of the state. I have tried talking to my spouse, laying out my concerns , and telling him what I wil no longer stand for. That our Marriage , Our children come first. that is it. He even got to the point to tell me , that If his brother could not come with us out on Vacation to Wisconsin Dells or Disney world that the whole trip would be canceled. I stood my ground last year and stated " just like you , I have money saved, good credit and I am going without you . I wil not be dealing with your brother and his outbursts and poor hygiene . His brothers soils himself, doesnt wash his hands, saying violent or disturning comments and stares at you with cold eyes that dont blink. Its frightening. My youngest son hates that he comes over and we actually leave the house becuase its so uncomfortable. I want my husband to stop putting his brother first whom is 49 years old. He needs to take care of his wife who has a Brain Disease that cause many issues. but he too still has a brain tumor that is getting worse. i am so tired of fighting, i think Divorce is the best way to say , " you need a wake up call , if you want to take care of your brother for the rest of your life , do it without me and our children. we are tired, we are done.
I remember one time, after I had just resolved to try to be more polite and compassionate. So instead of hanging up on a survey-taker who called during dinner time while having company, I talked to them while my family and guest were right there. Oops.
I can understand the bond your hubby has with his brother since the brother never had a normal childhood or adulthood but there comes a time when one has to stop trying to be Superman and stand back to see the whole picture. I bet if this issue was happening to a co-worker and not to your husband, he would probably think differently. The fact that a child is afraid of his uncle should be a wake-up call.
Your BIL did not wreck your marriage, per se; your husband's all-or-nothing approach did that or is about to.
First of all a man with these serious conditions should not be allowed out in the community where he appears to be a danger to others especially your family. His medications are probably being mismanaged. do you think these visits to your family are a way for the group home to so to speak pass the buck and relieve themselves of their responsibilities for all these vacations and holidays. If it is a small home having him away does lesson their staff load a great deal. He probably needs almost one on one care in his condition.
You have two choices, one is to walk away as you are considering, the other is to become more involved. By that I don't mean helping with care when BIL visits I mean becoming more involved with the supervision of BIL's care. Forgive me you don't know enough to actually question his management by the state in which you live so you need to involve others especially family members and professionals that oversee BIL's health. other siblings probably feel the same way as you do about overnight visits which is why they are no longer involved. they simply are not equiped to cope as you are not. They may however feel they can help with changing his treatment and possibly advocating for a higher level of care. There should be a psychiatrist and probably social worker supervising him as he is in state care. You could start by contacting the homes social worker and explain your concerns. he/she should immediately alert his physician that BIL's mental illness is not being adequately controled. At that point medication changes may need to be started and he should not be allowed outside visits till he is stabilized and able to behave calmly. I don't know if this would fall under the duties of the states ombudsman but it would not hurt to contact them You should also contact your states dept of health because this group home does not seem to be adequately caring for it's residents. Hubby may be prepared to do some of these things himself but if not you are perfectly within your rights to do so to protect the welfare of yourself and children. there may be other things like child protective services, the police , restraining orders etc. but with uncontolable behaviour in the home stop the visits NOW till this is sorted.
Divorce is another option and if there are other reasons to end your marriage sure go ahead and make a clean break. Again consider the effect on the children and your ability to function as a single mother having to work with your health issues. You mentioned that your husband's brain tumor is continuing to grow so consider who will care for him if he becomes unable to work. No work no child support whatever the law says. No health insurance either.
BIL is only part of the problem here and hubby may feel that his own health may be failing and wants to do as much as possible while he is still able. You will get a lot of support her from people here who really care and may have experience similar situations.
But I was thinking in terms of what reassurances there might be for your husband that could help him feel less wholly responsible for his brother's quality of life. When it's not you who's affected by this - as I'm not, for example - you can admire his 'he ain't heavy he's my brother' attitude.
It sounds as though your husband's determination to be his brother's champion has been entrenched over time partly by the rest of the family's abandoning him. He's fighting a last ditch battle to protect what is left of your BIL's human right to family life.
But your husband needs to appreciate two things. One, that carrying his brother should properly be shared by others too; and two, that this man is not *your* brother and you can't be expected to feel the same.
I do not blame you for seeing your BIL as the problem. He *is* the problem. But I think you would feel better about it, and make more headway, if you took a small step back for a moment and thought about your BIL in more objective terms. Fully grown men with learning disabilities and psychotic disorders are often not appealing company, I agree. I have to put my hand up and admit that you won't find me rushing round to the day centre to volunteer help [note to self: maybe I ought to do something about that]. But what seems to have crept into your thinking is just a hint of blaming your BIL for his condition, which would be understandable when he's having such a stressful impact on your life, but is Not Fair. He's no fun to be around, and I agree that he shouldn't be occupying such a large space in your family life, but he is a person who needs love, care and support; so that what your husband is doing for him is, in its way, admirable. The problem is that because everyone else has scarpered your husband has given up finding anyone else to share the load and is hell-bent on doing it all himself. And that's not admirable, that's daft.
It has to change. So. First of all: what level of involvement in BIL's life *would* you find manageable and acceptable? Because that's your first bargaining chip. Rather than going to your husband and saying "screw him, what about us" start by proposing whatever you think is proportionate - x visits per year, particular activities or events, that kind of thing. Then you're starting out with a positive.
First of all, though, you need allies and reinforcements. Do you have any kind of communication or relationship with the group home's professional staff? You may find they can be very useful to you: it's not in their interests to lose a regular visitor to strife and possible divorce, they'd be far better served by one who has the support of his wife and family. So next time you overhear your husband saying "sure no problem" you would be able to call them back and say "actually this IS a problem and we need to talk about it." Actively approach them for help. Next, the rest of the family. I assume that your husband is furiously, righteously angry with them, is he? Are there any of them that you get on with comparatively well?
The situation doesn't seem solvable or workable, and you can't be expected to deal with someone so physically and mentally compromised that it ruins your health and the welfare of your children, to whom you owe more than you owe to the brother.
Your husband has drawn a "line in the sand", so must you, and leave with your kids because the BIL isn't going to get any better. Perhaps your husband needs to experience what it's like to care for him w/o your assistance.
If Samson is a ward of the state, is he normally residing in some type of state placement or facility but gets weekends and holidays for visits? It's been quite awhile since I had any work experience with these types of arrangements, but I'm wondering if it isn't up to a doctor to certify and allow him home visits. If so, perhaps his doctor is the one who should be contacted to examine and/or adjust his medicines as well as determine if he really should be allowed home visits with your family.
I imagine your husband would object, but this sounds like a very volatile situation and you need to protect yourself and your children.