My sister lives near my mom and the local nursing home. I live states away and can only get home a few times a year. My mom has no health issues other than the beginnings of dementia and fall risk. My sister placed her in the local nursing home for convenience of visiting while I feel she needs a memory care/assisted living facility 20 minutes further away. My sibling won’t consider the move and is the POA. It is causing real friction. My mom never wanted to be in this nursing home as she was very familiar with it. Had placed her own mother there years ago and saw abuse. My mom cries about leaving her home etc. advice????
Bear in mind that:
- you're not the one who'll get an extra 40 minutes taken out of your day;
- you're not the one trying to keep a really close eye on things;
- your mother will be unhappy about having been uprooted *anyway*, and the memory care unit won't necessarily make her less so.
So find out first, I should.
Your sibling was chosen by your parent as the person best to handle her affairs whether by virtue of being the best at it in her opinion, or whether by virtue of living the closest. She is also by virtue of "being there" most familiar with what Mom needs.
Mom has a much better chance of having a meaningful life in some way without being in memory care, where most elders are very severely incapacitated mentally or physically.
Since you have no power you have not a lot of chance of input. Argument will make this VERY STRESSFUL time much worse.
It's my opinion that there is no choice but to "give this a try" and it will be so much more pleasant if he can be done with good and loving support and attitude.
Visit as frequently as you can, try to sit with your other sibling and have honest discussions. There is your truth, my truth and the truth, and in all honesty THE truth is often a muddy mess as well. Things just are not completely cut and dry with a right way and a wrong way. Try to stay adaptable. It will be what's required.
I would look into your mother’s health a little more closely. What you describe (the beginning of dementia and a fall risk) does not seem to me to make her eligible for a nursing facility. Nursings homes require an evaluation from a doctor and their own assessment to determine if a person needs skilled nursing care. Your mother might have more health issues of which you are not aware.
I think, personally, that dealing with siblings over the care of an aging mother is the hardest thing I've dealt with. There's 5 of us living, and nobody agrees on anything, and I have, for my own health reasons, had to step away from her care 100%, It was making my own health issues (cancer) much worse. Insomnia, anger, frustration and pain and the incredible issue of being totally ignored in my viewpoint or wish to help have driven me to tears umpteen times. I was told by my oncologist to walk away, don't call, don't visit, nothing. Send a card, if I want, but to act as if she has already died and move on with my own health care.
And how has that gone?
I told her 3 months ago I had a VERY TREATABLE cancer, caught early and would be doing chemo for 6, 8, or 12 rounds, every round being 3 weeks apart.
Her response?
'Oh, your dad will be so glad to see you.' (Daddy has been dead for 12 years).
THAT'S my takeaway from 12 years of CG for her. She didn't shed a tear, didn't act upset, just asked, as I left, which was IMMEDIATELY was 'could she share this with Donna? Who's little 22 yo dog was also dying of cancer". I said "Do whatever the heck makes you feel good mom". And I have not spoken to her since. (BTW, Donna live about 1/2 a block from me and already KNEW I was sick.)
I shared this with one brother who just said, "ah, well, she's old". And that was that. She's just turned 90.
About 3 years ago, I noticed a real slip in her cognitive skills. Since she lives with YYB, I informed him. . He ignored me. She had some falls, so I called an 'all hands' meeting and it turned into an ugly brawl. YYB (she lives with him) blew up and screamed and screamed at ME. 2 sisters, one older one younger, just sat there. YB, 'Dr. no shot', just sat there and let me be beaten into the ground.
After about 15 minutes of this--and all I was trying to do was get us all on the same page as per mom's growing need for care---I broke down and told everyone to leave, I'd never being it up again.
This has fractured our family. I am on speaking terms with YB and OS, but YS and YYB, not so much. Infact, I don't think I have spoken to YYB for over a year and that was totally in passing as he reminded me I was not allowed on 'his property'. Hardly a conversation.
After mother dies, I can see our family completely dissolving.
I KNOW why my YYB is so skittish and angry, but, hey he needs help. He's content to let mother live in filth and watch her slowly fall apart.
As for me? I will probably never see her alive again.
You are not, so sadly, alone in this dynamic.
All my sibs but YYB thought a cog eval was a good point, but YYB is the one who hauls her everywhere (by his OWN CHOICE, ENTIRELY!!!!!!!!!!!) and has stated he will not one thing that isn't not absolutely medically necessary and none of is are allowed in his home again---especially me.
So sad. We're not alone. This is VERY common, you can't get everyone to agree on anything.