I had a huge disagreement with my elderly Mom over the importance of getting cataracts surgery. She was informed several years ago (pre-Covid) during an eye exam that she really needed the surgery and the longer she waits the worse it will get. They prescribed eyeglasses but was reluctant because the physician felt it was useless and continued to express the importance of this surgery. I have also brought it up over the years since the appointment more than I can remember. Fast forward to April 2023, the primary care physician informed her that she needed to get this surgery ASAP. To make a long story short, when I followed up and started asking questions about contacting the doctor's office about the procedure, she became hostile towards me and informed me not to worry myself and if she becomes blind, then it's on her. It was at this point that I ended the argument because I did not have the energy to go back and forth. I understand being afraid of the surgery, but losing my sight would be more frightening than the actual procedure. I even offered to pay any expense that the insurance did not cover but this still was not enough. It was at this point that I realized why should I get my blood pressure up worrying about this or any situation when the individual's response is "why you worrying", I'm not? The problem is, her eyesight is getting worse. She won't wear eyeglasses, when she drives she can't see the lanes, and she can barely see the debit/credit machine at check out and the cashier has to assist her but when I try to help, she yells, "I got it!" I am so done. She will tell family and people outside of the family that I don't check up on her, take time out with her etc. I can not count the many times she has called 3-4 in the morning to say she is calling 911 because she is not feeling well and when I jump in my car and get there, she is sitting in the living room relaxing and tells me she is feeling better and she just needed to open the window or she was feeling dehydrated but drank water and is now okay. I am a single woman, not retired yet and do not like being out that time of morning speeding to her place of residence. She never calls to see if I made it back home safely so I told her that I will no longer be running to her place that time of morning because I have to watch out for my own safety, and she really needs to call 911 and not use that as a way to get me to her place if she feels bad because; 1. They will get there faster and 2. If she has the ability to call me 3 or 4 times until I answer, she has the ability to dial 911 once. I stated in another post that boundaries when addressing issues with a difficult parent are so important for your mental and physical well-being and will continue to stand by my statement. Any similar experiences? If so, how did you address your situation with a parent that seems okay with losing their sight?
I went from 20/70ish to 20/20 and 20/25. I don't believe I was legal to drive although they came on really fast or seemed like they did. I'm a rare case that got them in my early 50's.
The surgery is very safe and Medicare will pay for it depending on the lenses you get. In theory, I'll never wear glasses again.
I also had vitrectomy's done to both eyes as once the cataract was done, holy floaters. I had a ton of those too.
Anyways, I know she had the surgery, just wanted to add my piece here.
The eye doctor could tell you if she's considered legally blind at this point. Then you could tell her if you don't mind going blind, that's ok, however your vision right now makes you a hazard on the road. Do you want to keep driving - get the surgery. Otherwise, you may have to park the car so no one gets killed. You could tell her that if dr reports her bad vision, the state could possibly suspend her license until she fixes the problem.
The middle of the night calls probably won't stop. Something is happening with her that is scary while she's alone so she reaches out. Could even be her sugar level dropping - that will create a scary feeling in the body, similar to how your body feels if you skid your car on ice or water. That panic feeling. You are coming to a point where she really needs someone in the house. Are there siblings or relatives who could split the duty? Is there any way she would consider assisted living so that help is immediate (of course that would take quite a bit of money to pay for, if she has it, or would consider selling her home). Tell her that her midnight calls indicate she may have a health problem and you're worried about her passing out or falling down and unable to make a phone call. Point out how often it has happened recently.
I was having trouble seeing. When I went to my doctor, she said that not all cataracts are the same.
The cataract in my right eye was from the normal aging process. The cataract in my left eye was a different kind that robs a person of their eyesight very rapidly.
I have allergies and frequently rub my itchy eyes. I happened to be driving and rubbed my right eye. I freaked out when I realized that I couldn’t see anything out of my left eye. I hadn’t realized that I was seeing everything out of my right eye and not seeing out of my left eye.
I went back to my eye doctor and she said not to put off surgery. She also said that she could not correct my vision with new lenses for my glasses.
I scheduled an appointment with an ophthalmologist and when they tested my left eye I couldn’t even see the big ‘E’ on the chart.
After I had surgery I could see fine. There is no benefit to putting off surgery and sometimes a person waits too long and the surgery is no longer an option.
The surgery is quick and painless! It was the easiest surgery that I have ever had. It took less than 20 minutes!
Cataract surgery is usually done right in office. The surgery is done so fast and people can see immediately. My Daddy was sooooo surprised at how fast it was that he could see. Maybe you can call it something other than surgery if its the word surgery that scares her.
If she mentally competent, I'd sit her down for a come-to-Jesus moment and tell her that if she won't do this very basic surgery, you'll 1. Report her to the DMV to have her license revoked, then 2. Walk away from helping her.
Make it very clear that all this WILL happen, so you hope she has a care plan lined up for her future.
By your description of her behaviors it sounds like she has dementia, which is what is causing her to be irrational about the surgery and having poor judgment on other fronts. It also causes people to lose their ability to empathize with others, that's why she doesn't care how her future blindness will impact your life. There's no remedy for this, only you deciding how you will be involved in her future care needs (or not at all).
Yes, another vote to report her as a dangerous driver on her state's DMV website. They will send her a letter requiring her to come in for a test (most likely eye exam). When she fails, then MAYBE she'd be open to the surgery. But at any rate do not help her regain her license due to her cognitive issues.
As far as driving you can report her, in my state they sent her a letter to have a behind the wheel test. She never mentioned driving again.
She is quite difficult. She is in Assisted living. She blames me for absolutely everything. Calls me, tells me off and hangs up. She is very difficult for the nurses to deal with. She ran into one of them with her Walker, on purpose. She didn’t want them to do something they needed to do, she covered her head with a blanket. She put a sticky note on her door telling the nurses not to come in. She puts herself on the bus schedule to Walmart when she knows she can’t go. The list goes on and on. She also called the funeral parlor and told them she didn’t want anyone in her business. She hides things from me and tells the nurses not to tell me anything. She has always been difficult but with dementia the filter is gone.
About the cataract surgery, let her be. Have her doctor talk to her. You will not be able to convince her to have cataract surgery. The doctor might be able to convince her, however, you won't.
As argumentative as your Mom sounds, it appears that she might be in the early stages of some kind of memory issues or mental illness. Either that or she really likes "torturing" you.
...as for you, having someone do what she is doing to you, is mean, however, not unheard of. Let her call the police and the ambulance. Eventually, they will get to know her also.
...and...I'd start researching care options for her. If she chooses to not have the cataract surgery, she will not be able to judge distances or walk safely soon. If she chooses to have cataract surgery, it sounds like she is close to not being able to live alone.
It also sounds like she will be fighting with you forever about her future. So therefore, if the doctor deems her not being able to live alone or she ends up with a major health matter, you may need to find care for her at a moment's notice.
Hang in there.
In fact, it was better than it had been her entire life. She had to have lens replacement because she waited too long to get the surgery. This woman wore glasses her entire life since she was a little kid. Not only does she not wear glasses, she doesn't even need reading glasses.
Tell your mom to stop being ridiculous. I brought my MIL both times (they do one eye at a time). She took a Xanax beforehand and the surgery itself took about half an hour. She had no post-op pain and had to wear a dressing on her eye for two days. That was it both times.
If your mom wants her eyesight back, she needs to go and get this done.
In our area cataracts are not an easy "do".
There is a 3 mo to 6 mo. wait just for an appointment.
Then added hassles over referrals, location of surgi- centers, etc. Not everyone has a private driver.
Also, because of Hippa, we must fax everything, & no simple email or comunication by normal means allowed. They go to extreme!
I had the first eye done in June 2020, during Covid. I never had an IV before and was scared, and it turned out to be a 10 minute procedure where I felt NOTHING, and was back in bed with a blow dryer gadget keeping me snug and warm until I got driven home.
Next morning went to see Dr, who removed the patch. I could see like an eagle! I was so happy I cried! I drove myself home, loving the blue skies, white fluffy clouds and green hills...what I'd been missing for years!
We did the other eye 3 months later. I have permanent implants to see perfectly until I die. I'm still thrilled 3 years later, typing at my desk and looking at all the colorful impatients I planted outside my window yesterday, and my neighbor's bright American flag flying next door, making me proud to have Medicare and live in America!!
The procedure is nothing to be scared of, no pain involved, will make her happy and independent! It's the best thing I ever did in the last 20 years...I've never been happier. I treated myself to a new 4K 65 inch TV too! It's life changing and INCREDIBLE! I didn't realize how much I was missing. She's got this!
>Read this to your Mom! (I'm 69, by the way) Good luck!
You need to tell her doctor she is still driving and request that he contact DMV. Or, you call them yourself. I have cataracts forming and been told ready in another yr or so. Can't wait.
I was in a similar situation where my mother refused to take proactive care of her health. Her expectation was that someone would always be able to deal with anything but ended up having to call 911 so many times for help, they started to refuse to come. As I couldn't take care of her, we had to place her. Had she been proactive in dealing with her health, the situation would have been different.
Set boundaries now and don't back down. Her refusal to do anything should have no impact on your life. If she continues to refuse surgery, she will end up blind and incapable of caring for herself. If you can't care for her, let her know that if she continues to refuse surgery, she will end up in a long-term facility. She still may refuse but it isn't your responsibility, and she knows the consequences.
Is there a "must wear glasses" restriction on her Drivers License? If so and she is driving without glasses and is in an accident that can pose many problems.
Has she had a drivers test (road test) for her license?
If she can not pass then no license.
If she can not see then no car.
The question though is If she does have the surgery for the cataracts is she competent to drive. It sound to me like she may have some cognitive issues if she does not understand the ramifications of driving without being able to see properly.
You are well within your right to not jump out of bed at 3 or 4 am to go to her. She can call 911.
Next time she calls at that hour you can call 911 and give the dispatcher your mothers info, tell them that she is not feeling well and called you rather than 911.
Allow your phone calls go to voice mail until you want to answer them in the morning. (many phones have "sleep" or Do not disturb" settings)
the beginnings of more problems may start when she is no longer able to drive. You then will be driving her. I hope you set boundaries as to when and how often you will drive her around.
It might be time to look into Assisted Living where she can take a bus or van to the store on a routine basis.
You may be surprised to find that once you leave her alone to live life on her terms, the surgery may suddenly sound better and better to her. Be sure to set down those boundaries though, and stop rescuing her. And disable that car......once her options are seriously limited, her entire perspective is likely to change.
Tough love is often called for in such situations, I've found.
This morning I drove myself to the doctor’s office for my followup checkup. No glasses necessary. Everything is fine.
Tell mom she has a choice. She either has surgery or she stops driving. If she chooses to stop driving, you need to disable or get rid of the car.
Don’t wait until she kills herself or someone else, which is likely based on what you describe.
My mother refused to go into AL, my brother & I tried for 10 years, she lived alone in the mountains of NC. We gave up and waited, around 3 years ago she had a slight stroke, she became afraid to stay alone at night, so she called the EMT's over and over again, nothing was wrong, so they started charging her $600 each time, that ended that, we swooped her up, moved her into an AL near us.
Well, guess what? She is no longer afraid and loved being in AL, activities, new friends and she doesn't have to lift a finger. It's a win, win!
She was also refusing cataract surgery because she was alone, she lived 700 miles from us, at age 95 she had both eyes done, she was thrilled with the results!
Keep in mind we caretakers do not always need a front role seat, we can sit in the back and watch, worked for us.
Stop speeding to moms house for emergencies. Call 911 and let them handle it. You can meet her at the hospital if need be but to race across town everytime she has a medical emergency is unreasonable since paramedics may really be needed and this will just delay her getting assistance.
I am glad you are going to start setting boundaries with your mother.