My 72 year old mom moved in with my husband and me 2 years ago. She is physically and mentally healthy. I used the term caregiver with her some time ago and she came unglued. That has me feeling hesitant to post my questions here. So, do I belong here since she takes care of herself but lives with us?
Just wanted to give you a piece of advice that I’ve a feeling might serve you well:
Time has come not to share all your ideas and plans with your mom as it relates to your caregiving role; for example the fact that you now belong to this website, or if you chose to start going to counseling sessions to help you understand and adjust to having your mother home and to deal with the aging process, even if you decide to start going to the gym, to a coffee shop, or shopping for an hour or more here and there either alone or with your husband!...She simply does not need to know! She should be able to reach you if she needs to, but she doesn’t need to know your full agenda.
If you need to hide or even lie about this type of things, it is worth it, it is necessary and at the end of the day it is all for her and your benefit. It is one of those rare situations in life where lying is not only forgivable...but required!
My mom, who knows no boundaries, took my iPad once and looked at google-that was back when I was trying to understand the Narcissistic disorder- so she found something along the lines of “My mother abuses me mentally and emotionally” as something I’d been reading recently....well, to this day, she brings that up as a proof of the awful daughter I am that accuses her own mother of abuse!!!… and you know, I see her point, it’s not pleasant for a mother to know your child “thinks their mother abuses him/her”; it’s just that there’s sooooo much underlying truth and information from a psychological perspective that that simple line she saw could never be interpreted so superficially as she did. I understand it hurt her...but it’s just that she did not need to see that!
So please don’t share what you don’t need to share. And be careful with any documents, phone calls, text messages, or computer researchyou or your husband are doing. May sound paranoid but your mom sounds like mine, a little bit unstoppable! It’s like sleeping with the enemy, but it’s just mom!
Best of luck and try to keep your sanity above all!! :)
Thank you for this most interesting question, bringing up not only how people feel that they "belong", but also issues with your mother who is living with you. Five pages of answers in only 3 days! Must have struck a cord in others who may have felt they did not belong, way far back as high school, focusing on themselves, not your issues.
Focusing now on what you have said about your mother:
" I can no longer have private conversations as she lurks near the doors and listens."
That would cause me real grief in my home if that happened. I would not tolerate it.
Maybe some caregivers here who have gone through this will have some suggestions.
Sorry that she is doing that. As people age, they may lose their filters and polite social abilities. Sometimes due to illness, medications, or because they were always that way.
I have heard of caregivers building an in-law suite for the parent.
What about a sanctuary master-suite for you and your husband that she cannot get close enough to the door to listen? Could be as simple as an additional door further down the hallway, keeping your current bedroom door?
I've only posted once before a few weeks ago and received many many helpful and supportive answers. Since then I've been reading and learning so much! So thanks to everyone here for your contributions.
If I may be so bold ... please think back to when you first came on here, were a newbie, and how you would have felt about bickering starting in your initial threads. Speaking from experience on other forums I've joined, it's very hurtful and unhelpful, and drove me away instead of welcoming me in.
So my suggestion: put your best foot forward at first.
My two cents' ......
Yes, you need to learn to set better boundaries with your mom. Saying no to our parents is hard, but if we don't put our mental and physical health first, no one else is going to do it for us!
Before this exchange, I wasn't one of the people on here who didn't like you. Previously, I only disagreed with you.
Anyhow, my skin is thick and when I get flack it actually makes me feel relevant, funny as that may sound. But tis the season to be jolly and I am going to be jolly, even if it kills me. LOL
Getting back to the poster who started this thread. Yes, a thousand times yes! You do belong here. No problem is too trivial. Post anything that is on your mind. Sorry that your question got sidetracked by nonsense.
Oh how I wished I would have found this forum BEFORE my parents became elderly [in their 90's] to a point where they needed help, instead of finding this forum half way through their journey. It was too late to turn around, had a ton of flat tires, and the road maps were out of date. Oh my gosh, all those speed-bumps. Who knew that one could say "no" to a parent and not feel guilty??? And that boundaries could be set???
Please stay with us, we all have some type of caregiving knowledge, be it hands-on and/or logistical. Be it in one major subject like finances, real estate, legal matters outside of hands-on caring. Or to just come here vent.
Get yourself a pretend football helmet, must wear it while banging head against the wall. You can dress it up in stickers :)
"A Nudge", the Mom needs a swift push back now and then, or she will Trudge all over her! I know, as my FIL moved in with my husband and I right after his wife passed away, and it went downhill X 13 Years, until he passed in our home 2 months ago, and I've got the footprints on my back to prove it!
I never knew what the "fear, obligation and Guilt (FOG)" meant, until it began registering in my brain that he was a complete Narcissist, and that's when the lights truly turned on for Us, and I learned all about that on here, this website!
So YES, you Do belong here, as there is much to learn in this caregivers journey, and the more you can learn from those who have previously traveled in you path, the Better! You have come to the right place, and Good Luck!
This is great forum. I’ve been on some time and have learned so much and gleaned great ideas from all plus learned from those who’ve walked the walk. My mom is now in memory care at 94 but the path was so much easier because of this forum.
Your mom feels like she’s lost a lot with the move and reluctant to lose her independence and she’s right. She is probably still a vibrant independent women and needs others her own age —so she can have a life and you can have a life.
I know it’s hard as you work full time. But maybe check with the church or locate a book club, ymca exercise group, etc. where you can go together at first until she gets comfortable and maybe gets introduced to others her own age. Are there neighbors her age you can introduce her to? Maybe organize a small luncheon at your house and invite some persons her age or maybe your friends have nearby moms, neighbors her age. Maybe she’d like to take up golf?
I think volunteering at the hospital, church, thrift shop, or library is a great idea. Maybe you offer to go with her a few times while she gets comfortable.
I know you don’t want to hurt each other, but you do need to set boundaries. Would she feel more comfortable renting a condo, apt nearby where you’d be close by to do dinner and lunch once in a awhile, but she’d have her own privacy and independence.
Sometimes it seems if you don't side with the majority on here you get ostracized. Which is sad because sometimes a novel, original idea might be just what the poster is seeking. Just saying............But hey, I'm not bitter. I will continue being me and some people will like it and some won't. Such is life.
Me, I am doing it from afar. I cannot be in the same room with either parent for more than a few minutes before the criticism starts. So I choose not to be in the same room as them. It took years of therapy to get out from under their thumbs and I refuse to give up my life for them.
So even though I am not dealing with my parents on a day to day basis, I read on these pages what may be coming down the pipe and how to set up supports ahead of time. Once again from afar.
KJ, you certainly do belong here if you want to get smart input from people who are now or have been in similar situations. Take the helpful stuff, leave the rest. We're all just regular people, though some have more knowledge about certain aspects of caregiving. The caregiving journey can be a real tough thing for many and you'll need advice and support along the way. Welcome to AC.
All are welcome here until it becomes obvious they are trolls, or putting others on the spot frequently. Some do it much more often than others. And it does not help to get defensive. Caregiving has given us all a thick skin, why take out frustrations on others here? We certainly do not need it. Maybe it is society in general. Everyone is so easily hurt by something someone says. Soon no one will be talking at all, too afraid someone will take something wrong.
Apparently, everyone but Gershun .......
When I first started posting, someone asked me directly: "Are you a caregiver?",
wanting to weed out the riff raff who weren't 24/7 caregiving their Mom.
I belong here.
Gershun belongs here.
I really appreciate the thanksgiving letter 2017 received by the Admins of AC, thanking me for my contributions here.
All I meant was her Mom is still young and therefore it isn't too late to turn things around. As far as my remark about the song lyrics, that's what the thread reminded me of and so I voiced it. It's called humor Carla. Maybe if you weren't such a humorless person you would see that. I'm not expecting everyone to see the humor in things just the way I do but having a sense of humor is what got me through some really tough times. You should try it some time.
Oh, and by the way. Not everybody needs to have the same opinion to be welcome on this forum. Different points of view and different ways of seeing things are part and parcel of being human beings otherwise we might as well all be robots.
Never fear for here we are! - as my not very poetic granny used to say.
You belong here and you're one of us now.
(Picture a sinister, hooded figure laughing- ne-ah-ha-ha! 👽 We've gotcha'.)
[OK, I'm weird.]
Keep reading and posting. We'll be with you throughout the process. You're not alone. We're all in the same boat together.
Welcome
One of the drawbacks of moving a parent close to you is that you at least initially become their entire world and social life. It's hard to break free of that when they don't have any other contacts or activities in the area. I had that problem with my mother too, but your issue is worse because your mother was totally wrapped up in her husband before she moved in with you. She never learned to find her own friends or activities.
She needs to find some activities outside the house. You may need to make a lot of suggestions and apply some pressure, and convince her that it's not healthy for anyone for her to rely on you and hubby for all her activities.
There have to be some activities for her in a big place like Jacksonville. Does she play cards? Read books? Watch birds? Collect china? Enjoy museums? There must be seniors' groups in your area who cater to whatever interests your Mom has developed in the past, and if you can get her to try them out, it could give you a bit of a break. Yes, you may need to go with her at first, to help her break the ice. Think of it as an investment in your own future. Your own freedom and independence.
I also agree with a longer range plan to move her into her own place. But I think that until she has some sort of life of her own, she'd never agree and you'd just be unleashing massive hysterics and guilt-tripping.
Seriously, I think that train has left the station. Every little nudge seems to make Mom break down in tears or resort to guilt-tripping and manipulation.
KJ needs some genuine support and serious suggestions here. Mocking other posters isn't the least bit helpful.
Sorry, but this doesn't have to be all doom and gloom. It might well be eventually but your Mom sounds like she just needs to be nudged in the right direction. There is still hope for an okay outcome but don't wait too long.
You belong in bed early enough to get enough rest, regularly.
You belong at the hairdresser or gym regularly and enough to keep you feeling good.
You belong at the doctor for yourself often enough to stay healthy.
And other "belongings" too.
Witnessing our parents’ decline is draining and stressful.
Compounded by.....Whyyyyy do so many ailing parents insist on being his/her own worst enemy???!?
In turn, the ailing parent looks to us to be the on-demand enabler. Or the on-demand miracle worker. Or the on-demand denier.
OH the skewed reality! It’s crazy-making.
In your case — Mom needs you nearby, for sure. But not necessarily in the next room! How about the next town...?!
Seriously, any chance Mom can get into an “over 55” apartment building? Or a independent-living unit on a campus that offers assisted living and/or skilled care as needs escalate?
Keep coming back to AC Forum for support and ideas. Search “boundaries.” Be good to yourself. 🧡