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Our mom passed away several months ago after being sick for several months. I have 3 siblings, 2 of us never left her side at my home while the other 2 waited to show up late in the evening and instead of actually helping, started arguments, tried bossing everyone around, and trying to force feed mom while she was actively dying. I had mom's financial & Medical Guardianship and in hindsight wish I had stopped their visits, but I wanted her to have all 4 of us at her side.



All 4 of us are married, we all have good paying careers and can afford to help pay for our mom's funeral, headstone, and any other expenses she may have had.
Two siblings would not help pay for mom's funeral, yet they wanted to dictate who would officiate, flowers, photos to use, time & location, and so forth. The 2 of of who did pay allowed them to help, but not make changes, which they tried over & over.



Now it is time to have mom's headstone installed. Once again, the other 2 siblings did not pay a penny, yet they expect to know all the details. They want to know what we paid for it, what the design is, the day & time of installation so they can attend.
This is more than money, as we all 4 stopped speaking because of their volatile behavior, their refusal to help us with caregiving-but would visit unannounced late in the evening with 6 or 7 other people like it was all you could eat wings, and their refusal to acknowledge our mom as a human being with feelings and rights. We still don't speak, which I never thought could happen because we were always close and had never fallen out before.



I don't think we should bend to them anymore. Mom didn't have an estate to reimburse my sibling & me, so am I right in that it is none of their business what we spend our own money on?



Then notifying them of the day & time of her headstone installation. There is so much hostility & animosity right now, everything is still so fresh & raw, emotions are still hot & high. Are we wrong if we notify them after we leave the cemetery or the next day? I would like this to be a peaceful day and a time to celebrate our mom, not a stressful day filled with arguments & anger.

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Because they did not contribute, your are not obligated to tell them. I may say "Are you planning on contributing?" If the answe is "no" Then say "then you don't need to know how much "I" and "other sibling" paid for the funeral and the stone since it did not come out of Moms money."

If there was an estate and a Will, the cost of the funeral and the stone would be listed in the final accting.
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No! You owe them nothing, and since you want a peaceful day of installation, keep the date to yourself.

Let them figure it out for themselves. In my family, it always was done at the cemetery’s convenience, and no family member was ever there that I know of. There’s not much point in making it a big deal. By that time, everyone is exhausted and ready to quit anyway. And whether family is there or not, the deceased isn’t.
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UPDATE: we traveled out of town with my family, my youngest sister & her family, and our baby brother & his little family to install our mom's monument. Our husband's & brother chose to do the installation themselves as one final act of love and gratitude to mom ❤️

We had an absolutely beautiful day together and her stone turned out perfect...it is gorgeous and represents mom's life beautifully! She was such a kind, loving, thoughtful, generous woman, we felt her presence the entire day. It was truly a very special day.
We decided not to invite them to avoid arguments, we just wanted a peaceful day with our families to set mom's monument. After providing care for her in the hospital, following her wishes and bringing her to our home for Hospice Care and not leaving her side for a minute after we brought her home, all the while enduring their snarky remarks, refusal to help, accusations that we were killing mom with Hospice, deciding to fight me for my Guardianship of our mom, refusal to help pay her funeral expenses or headstone costs, we just felt it best to keep everything status quo...that being us keeping our distance from their toxic behavior & words. We are healing together & count on one another daily.

They tell anyone who will listen that we "killed her" and we "starved her to death" because she refused food....even tho we all know that is very common in the dying process. We kept her favorite foods & drinks, we offered her food non-stop, she seldom wanted to accept it. We would not, and did not force her to eat (they would), then they would leave & we would be with her when she would be in immense pain, projectile vomiting, writhing stomach pain, horrible diarrhea, nauseous, etc. They knew this was happening, but I guess thought it was comical that we had to deal with cleaning so many messes, they failed to think of the pain & horrible discomfort it caused our mom though.

Sorry to get off track. Everything went perfect that day. We know she was pleased. It brought us so much comfort & relief to have her stone placed!
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2023
I’m so happy that you had a pleasant day and that you are pleased with the headstone. Be at peace. Your mother knew how much you loved her.
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The Executor I am assuming is making arrangements and payment. That person should go ahead with plans by those cooperating, and ignore the others. Their interference is a result of their guilt feelings. Ignore them.
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PandabearAUS Sep 2023
There is no estate
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I wouldn't. You don't owe them a damn thing. Have your day to celebrate mom without the toxic duo. Do what's right for you not them.
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Go your own way. Have the headstone. Once you have seen it and are happy about it drop them a message to let them know. Do t engage with their negative behaviours
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Hmm… The family atheist wasn’t notified when I had a funeral Mass said for 5 cherished relatives after the last of that generation died.

We paid for it and we didn’t want to make “Atheist” “uncomfortable” (or make us uncomfortable either).

The Mass was just immediate family, and beautiful.
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Really, where is the logic in this? You are asked to contribute and say No. But then you feel you have a right to be in on the planning? I would just bluntly tell them, by not contributing you chose to not be involved. You have no say.
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Since you and another sibling paid for the funeral and headstone from your own pockets you owe nothing to the other 2.

I am sorry for your loss, may The Lord give you strength, courage and wisdom during this difficult time. May HE give you grieving mercies and peace.
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Thank you for the update! I am so glad that you went ahead and did it without them. You did not need the negativity. Glad the day was nice and family enjoyed the day.
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