This topic is obviously very personal: everyone will have their own opinion. I have many friends who helped their elderly parents alone for years, while their siblings did nothing. My opinion is that the helping adult child should inherit more, so they’re not financially ruined after spending so much time, energy & stress, helping.
My mother has a sister (younger) who is in her mid-eighties with physical mobility problems, the foremost of which are back issues from her years as a nurse. She is currently living alone. She has 2 children.
Her oldest child, my cousin, has never had a career, just a series of minimum wage type jobs. Her husband works (intermittently) in construction. They have 3 children. They do not own their own home.
My cousin has made the offer repeatedly to my aunt: if my aunt will buy my cousin a house, big enough for my cousin, her family AND my aunt and put said house in my cousin's name, my cousin will give up her "career" and become my aunt's caregiver.
They live outside of Washington D.C., where home prices are quite high.
If my aunt were to take my cousin up on this offer, do you think, in this case, her other child should get a reduced portion of any inheritence that's left? Because I would think the purchase of a home would more than repay any caregiving.
It's scenarios like this that make me reluctant to make a blanket statement that the caregiving child should receive/ a larger portion - or the entirety - of an inheritence.
I brought my now 92yo mother out from AL to live with me in July 2020 because of COVID. She lives with Alzheimer’s so I am her full time caregiver.
I proposed to my 3 brothers, who were relieved I’ve taken on this responsibility, that Mom pay me a set amount every month and if her share of expenses was less than that, the excess would go to me as taxable income. She would deduct the excess as caregiving expense (as recommended by an accountant).
I estimated what her half of the expenses would be (including property taxes, insurance, food, utilities, car, property maintenance, etc.) and my brothers and I discussed and agreed on what would be a reasonable amount for her to pay. As it turns out, the amount she pays is half of what she paid in AL.
The financial benefit for me is my living expenses are almost halved and I have been able to hold off from withdrawing money out of my retirement account, saving money for me in MY old age.
The result is that my mother’s will remains the same: her estate is divided equally between the four of us. I am being compensated, at least to some degree, for the caregiving, in current time rather than waiting for her death. Caregiving is still difficult but it isn’t accompanied by financial resentment.
I realize I am very fortunate that my brothers and I get along and they are happy to support me in this difficult work. I also realize that this arrangement, particularly declaring income and claiming tax deductions, might not work where some of you live. But I think that there is no need to report to the tax authorities a private expense-sharing arrangement between family members. I just chose to report it because, well, I’m just that kind of idiot! 😃
But I’ve seen people (especially daughters) being used by their own parents. Used, abused, and then left in financial ruins. Often it’s the mother who refuses to give what’s fair towards her helping daughter.
I also think if you are caring for them in your house, they should pay their share of expenses.
Too many people think they will be compensated when it comes time for inheritance and that rarely happens. Most wills are written to divide assets equally.
If a sibling refuses to pay for your caregiving, don't do it. Caregiving is to hard, emotionally, physically, financially and mentally not to get paid.
My husband took care of his parents, while being single father and building his business, he even bought them place to live nearby.
His brother who did nothing inherited nice house in one of most expensive cities, worth millions probably.
They wanted to protect child with no success, my husband as educated at best universities and successful got nothing.
It makes more sense for the will to reflect the whole life, and for the care to be paid for as long as it happens.