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This topic is obviously very personal: everyone will have their own opinion. I have many friends who helped their elderly parents alone for years, while their siblings did nothing. My opinion is that the helping adult child should inherit more, so they’re not financially ruined after spending so much time, energy & stress, helping.

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It can sometimes be ‘unfair’ when a will made at the end of life benefits the person who is most visible right then. This can also mean non-family carers, who may or may not have been angling for it. Late wills are quite common, as elders often make a fresh will when the spouse dies, so this really does happen.

It makes more sense for the will to reflect the whole life, and for the care to be paid for as long as it happens.
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Yes! But sometimes parents make decisions based on children’s abilities.
My husband took care of his parents, while being single father and building his business, he even bought them place to live nearby.
His brother who did nothing inherited nice house in one of most expensive cities, worth millions probably.
They wanted to protect child with no success, my husband as educated at best universities and successful got nothing.
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No, I think that the helping adult child should be paid for their caregiving. They should be paid the going rate for care and what ever remains of the inheritance equally divided amongst all remaining children.

I also think if you are caring for them in your house, they should pay their share of expenses.

Too many people think they will be compensated when it comes time for inheritance and that rarely happens. Most wills are written to divide assets equally.

If a sibling refuses to pay for your caregiving, don't do it. Caregiving is to hard, emotionally, physically, financially and mentally not to get paid.
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By the way regarding inheritance, you might be unaware, but in some countries you’re legally obliged to give equally to all children. For example, in some countries it’s like this: 1/3 must go to the surviving spouse, and 2/3 must go to the children equally, no matter what. (If there’s no surviving spouse, then 2/3 must go equally to all children; and 1/3 can go to whoever you like).
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You're right that this is a personal decision that some elderly parents are unable to make at that time due to dementia. My mom had a will that was done when she was told by doctors of her dementia. My brother who inherited the majority of her money & estate recognized the care that I had given to her for almost a decade & gifted me something extravagant for my services provided. I took care of my mom out of love & my brother knew it.
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I really think the helping child should receive more, whether it happens in real time or inheritance, or both.

But I’ve seen people (especially daughters) being used by their own parents. Used, abused, and then left in financial ruins. Often it’s the mother who refuses to give what’s fair towards her helping daughter.
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Some of you might find my experience useful for your own situations.

I brought my now 92yo mother out from AL to live with me in July 2020 because of COVID. She lives with Alzheimer’s so I am her full time caregiver.

I proposed to my 3 brothers, who were relieved I’ve taken on this responsibility, that Mom pay me a set amount every month and if her share of expenses was less than that, the excess would go to me as taxable income. She would deduct the excess as caregiving expense (as recommended by an accountant).

I estimated what her half of the expenses would be (including property taxes, insurance, food, utilities, car, property maintenance, etc.) and my brothers and I discussed and agreed on what would be a reasonable amount for her to pay. As it turns out, the amount she pays is half of what she paid in AL.

The financial benefit for me is my living expenses are almost halved and I have been able to hold off from withdrawing money out of my retirement account, saving money for me in MY old age.

The result is that my mother’s will remains the same: her estate is divided equally between the four of us. I am being compensated, at least to some degree, for the caregiving, in current time rather than waiting for her death. Caregiving is still difficult but it isn’t accompanied by financial resentment.

I realize I am very fortunate that my brothers and I get along and they are happy to support me in this difficult work. I also realize that this arrangement, particularly declaring income and claiming tax deductions, might not work where some of you live. But I think that there is no need to report to the tax authorities a private expense-sharing arrangement between family members. I just chose to report it because, well, I’m just that kind of idiot! 😃
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This can be very complicated. In my opinion, generally if there is one sibling that did most of the support of the parents that sibling should inherit the most, if not all. But remember this issue breaks up many families because everyone has an idea that they did more than the others.
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Another scenario:

My mother has a sister (younger) who is in her mid-eighties with physical mobility problems, the foremost of which are back issues from her years as a nurse. She is currently living alone. She has 2 children.

Her oldest child, my cousin, has never had a career, just a series of minimum wage type jobs. Her husband works (intermittently) in construction. They have 3 children. They do not own their own home.

My cousin has made the offer repeatedly to my aunt: if my aunt will buy my cousin a house, big enough for my cousin, her family AND my aunt and put said house in my cousin's name, my cousin will give up her "career" and become my aunt's caregiver.

They live outside of Washington D.C., where home prices are quite high.

If my aunt were to take my cousin up on this offer, do you think, in this case, her other child should get a reduced portion of any inheritence that's left? Because I would think the purchase of a home would more than repay any caregiving.

It's scenarios like this that make me reluctant to make a blanket statement that the caregiving child should receive/ a larger portion - or the entirety - of an inheritence.
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Sarah3 Aug 2022
It really depends in large part on the length of time she would be her caregiver, nowadays it’s not unusual for females to live well into their 90’s and ( to me always comes as hard to believe some live into their early 100’s). Nevertheless live in care IS expensive, and the reality is even 5 years of live in caregiving amounts to aLOT of money that your aunt would have to pay anyways. This way instead of paying her or another caregiver in cash, it would be the house, which would also be your aunts home.
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This is a very good question, I have been my mom's primary caregiver for 10 years now. I have taken on the tasks of keeping up with all her finances, care of the home and property, caregiving as she has progressive dementia, cooking , cleaning, managing caregivers , Dr. visits , appointments, etc. I have a house on the same street as her that my husband and I own, my youngest sister lives next door also . Mom has 5 children , I am the oldest daughter. During the years, occastionally I would get a break for a day or week-end but for the most part I was the committed one for her care often spending nights and days with her in her home away from my husband as she cannot be left alone. The sister that lives close hardly helped me and when she did she got paid for it as we had to spend down moms annuity , I did not pay myself. Now the funds are gone , so I offered to buy mom's home for a lower price due to all the caregiving I have done. I even had to take a early retirement which is a great financial loss ,as I am a RN. My offer was rejected by my siblings so I guess all the hard work , committment and devotion , so they could live their lives means nothing. I am hurt beyond words but have to continue to go on. Not sure how to resolve this but I keep praying. I have some relief by bringing mom to Adult day care but the bills are adding up and I am broken hearted. I hope somehow this will all work out but I feel used and taken advantage of. I welcome any suggestions. Thank you in advance.
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HopeCalmPeace Aug 2022
My sister is my mom’s primary caregiver. While mom is in LTC she has POA and makes most of moms decisions. She often receives calls from staff at all hours when mom has a health crisis. A few of my brothers visit occasionally but they are mostly hands off. As the oldest sibling I live far from mom and mostly offer moral support to mom and my caregiver sister. I have explicitly told my sister to pay herself from mom’s account which she has reluctantly done. I’ve also supported her getting a far greater share of inheritance when mom passes. I don’t understand why more family members don’t accept the fact that if they cannot do the heavy lifting then their inheritance will be reduced. It’s only fair.
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Every time I open this this website, I get angry….so much of all of this if not all of the questions could have been avoided if the elderly parents would have made plans for their care yrs earlier, not waiting til they can no longer manage their home or health issues. We have my 95 yr old father in law living with us and don’t like it one bit!, there I said it… my husbands brother in NY does nothing to help, not even a phone call to his dad or a birthday card to show he cares….our social life is nil, he sits in our living room 12 hrs a day, can’t have personal conversations and am always on call to make sure 3 meals a day are provided… it has caused us to start making our plans for when we can’t care for ourselves ahead of time and none of are children are included in our care, it’s assisted living for us and no pressure on our daughters to suffer like we have.
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bundleofjoy Aug 2022
i totally understand you. hug!
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I will state again, the ORIGINAL scenario presented by the OP was the helping child inheriting more so as not to leave them financially ruined.

If that is a consideration, that if a person leaves a job to take care of an elderly LO which will leave them with limited financial options in the future, then caregiving by that person must NOT be a consideration.

Most of the answers here are less about financial hardship after caregiving, and more about "what's fair is fair" - it's "fair" that I get a bigger slice of the inheritence pie than any other beneficiaries because I was the person with "boots on the ground" in the caregiving department.

So if we go along with that thinking - and mind you, I'm not saying it's always the wrong way of thinking - then does it stand to reason that the other potential beneficiaries to the estate be made aware of this division of assets, and given equal opportunity to help out in order to increase their share of the "pie"? Otherwise, I see this being a really awesome different way for elderly people to try to control their children, using future inheritence as a lure to have their children become their caregivers, and thus avoid the AL/NH/MC route as they age.

Are you really telling me there aren't any of you who could see your own parent(s) doing something like this? All I see here all day long are stories of manipulative, NPD parents using every arrow in their quiver to try and control their kids. Parents who enjoy pitting their kids against one another if for no other reason than they're bored and it's good entertainment.

If you think you deserve to be compensated for your caregiving, and I think everyone deserves to be compensated in some way or another, then get it WHILE you're doing the caregiving. What you're taking about is tantamount to working for a company for years without pay, in the hopes that once the business is sold, you get a tidy chunk of the proceeds. It makes no sense.
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bundleofjoy Aug 2022
"What you're taking about is tantamount to working for a company for years without pay, in the hopes that once the business is sold, you get a tidy chunk of the proceeds. It makes no sense."

i think you have an excellent point.
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I think feelings towards this topic can change a lot, also depending on how much time goes by while helping, and how hard and unfair the circumstances were while helping. Some helpers suffer much more than other helpers.

I see friends who helped for only a few months, who felt totally OK with things being split equally.

I see friends who helped for years alone with destroyed careers, while their siblings’ careers soared upwards. These friends feel they should receive more. I agree they should.
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Not making an argument one way or another. Just an additional question for those who think it's fair for the caregiving child to receive a larger portion of any inheritence:

Do you also, in the interest of fairness, think *if* the caregiving child is to receive a larger portion of the estate, then the current owner of the estate (aka: the person(s) needing care) should inform the other heirs of this arrangement, and give them a chance to become a "co-caregiver"? And if the other heirs decide to help out to keep their share of the inheritence intact, so to speak, how do you see that arrangement working out, logistically speaking, between caregivers?

I ask this as 1) the primary caregiving child of my mother and
2) the trustee of mom's estate after she passed away.

And no, I did not give myself a larger portion of the estate than I was bequeathed.
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bundleofjoy Aug 2022
i think it’s a good question.

i think some scenarios/situations are very complex, tricky.

then, to the best of your ability, you try to see what’s fair depending on the situation - or changes in the situation.

indeed a fair, kind helping child (let’s say non-helpers suddenly help more, even just with phone calls, organizing things, i don’t mean hands-on)…the fair, kind child, in case the will is unequal in favor of the helping-child, might make it more equal in favor of the new-helpers, by renouncing their extra share.

there are always ways of trying to make things fair.
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Reading this thread is disturbing.

Would all of these people write these messages about choosing unhappiness while striving for greed and money under the auspices of loving caretaking if their identities were revealed? Some posts indicate they feel they do not want to be taken advantage of while they are themselves taking advantage of and scheming someone else, someone who is disadvantaged by age and infirmity.

The irony is there is no true anonymity. People see through you.
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bundleofjoy Aug 2022
dear acaringdaughter,

hug!

i haven’t read all messages. i have a totally different interpretation from you, regarding the messages i have read.

my interpretation:
nothing scheming on the part of the helping child.

it’s simply a FACT:
caring for years will affect you financially, in particular depending on your age.

just an example (not me). friend of mine:

helping daughter is 35, in the middle of career. elderly parents need help. she has a sister who does nothing to help. elderly parents had many problems, not just medical. admin problems too. someone must deal with these problems. some problems you can delegate, hire people, but not all problems.

i see my friend’s career suffering. she’s getting poor. she’s kind, not scheming.

——
my personal opinion:
her parents should ensure she’s not financially ruined, after all those years of helping and balancing with her career. her parents are in a facility, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t problems to solve. my friend helps a lot.

in her case, her parents are in full agreement that she should receive more.

——
my personal opinion is that indeed, the helping one should receive more.

some people who help are financially ok, so this isn’t so important. they spent time, energy, stress - but didn’t take any financial hit. maybe the helping one is married, hence financially secure, retired, etc. for whatever reason, helping hasn’t really affected them financially.

but:
how about the helping ones who take a big financial hit by helping? in the middle of their career, but lose money because of hours spent lovingly helping?…
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I do think that the adult child that takes on all of the caregiving should get more inheritance than the ones who don't. The minute the others starts screaming that everything should be "even steven", remind them... that should apply to the caregiving, the missing work, the lack of a social life, the sleepless nights, the hospital runs, the butt wiping and the financial burden. ;-0
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In a situation where there are sufficient funds and the burden of caregiving is not shared, my personal opinion is that caregivers should be reimbursed all of their expenses and should be paid as family caregivers.
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Sarah3 Aug 2022
I agree it’s only right the family caregiver should be paid.

If there aren’t sufficient funds how else would the parent have care? If the adult children don’t want to or can’t provide caregiving, there’s no free caregiver service
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If the child who is the caregiver doesn’t receive more, the reality is the other siblings received more than them, which of course is unethical. One option is for the caregiver to receive an amount off the top of the inheritance before it’s divvied up among the siblings so the caregiver is compensated for all their time whereas the other siblings did not ( such as 50,000 depending on how long they were caregiving)
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I agree with your point of view wholeheartedly and you should let your children know how and why the helping child is going to benefit while you are still alive. Put the helping child as the executor of your estate as well.
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I was not paid for taking care of my uncle and I was not an inheritor in his will. I calculated the amount of time I spent doing errands for him. I presented an invoice for my time and receipts for expenses to the probate court as a debt and it was found to be accurate and was paid by his estate. He had mentioned doing that while he was still alive.

For my parents I was paid at the time I did the caretaking. I was paid monthly and taxes, SS were withheld. Their wills dealt with each of their three children unequally based on what funds and gifts were given while they were living. One of my brothers tried to dispute my dad's will and ended up with a minimal amount of money.
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VSO,
It is a very tough topic, however, if there is a trust or will involved ,
we have to adhere to what's stated in the document.
I have a situation that could potentially be very messy.
I am caring for my Aunt. As POA. I have complete control over her money. My brother is the executor of my deceased Uncle's trust that includes caring for my Aunt.
When she passes, the money (if any) is to be split between myself and my two brothers.
One brother has done absolutely nothing!! My other brother has done some, but I have shouldered the majority. Of course I feel like I deserve more, but I think an estate attorney is going to be essential!!
Best wishes!!
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Yes!
Considering caregiver to parent(s) who left her job at age 50 plus, she would earn so much for next 10-15 years plus contribute to pension plan. I am referring to caregiver as she, as it is more often female. And they often expect to do it for free.
The best solution will be to pay monthly as taxes are progressive both in Canada and USA, and by contributing to RRSP or 401k will be beneficial as there will be compounded interest. There is tangible and intangibles here, as lost income and perhaps marriage break up, stress of caregiving considering average disease of 10 years, caregiver over 60 cannot easily recuperate or gain financially.
This is reality if parents of silent generation are stuck in some belief that all children deserve equally, I think it is time to adjust to reality.
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This is only my personal opinion...I feel the person who is "taking Care of" the patient, parent or not, should be paid for their services as these services are provided.

Inheritance is totally separate and should be split equally between who ever the will states should receive it. Why do we as children feel we should get any thing from our parents when they finally meet their end? They are the ones who worked their selves to death and earned it. It should all be spent on the best care possible when they need it!

After paying for care of a parent/loved one there might not be that much left, now a day anyway. Again...just my personal opinion!
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bundleofjoy Aug 2022
my personal opinion:

even if in the end it’s only $5 (total inheritance), it still matters how it’s split.

even if there’s nothing, it still matters how it’s split. the intention matters: how the parents wanted to split it.

as for compensating the helping adult child in real time (as opposed to inheritance), i can see advantages/disadvantages.

my opinion is the helping adult child should receive more - whatever way it’s done.
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The medical/financial POA can have a clause stating the caregiver is to be compensated at prevailing rates. The money can be taken while the caregiving is happening or be a lien against the inheritance and paid before assets are divvied up.

The only catch so far — and it’s a doozy — is that the years of caregiving before the elder’s power is transferred to the POA (and that clause is invoked) isn’t eligible.

I would assume a will could have a statement that the caregiver is to be given [insert amount] for every year of care giving.
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Sarah3 Aug 2022
Helpful and detailed info for caregivers thank you
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I’m quite puzzled by the 76 posts on this so far. The facts are as I stated in the very first post. What on earth is the point of people getting so involved in their own opinions, which are totally irrelevant in reality?
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Becky04469 Aug 2022
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion on the issue of inheritance and do not have to accept your legal authority.
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Maybe a traditional view of an inheritance would help give perspective here.
The Parable of the Prodigal Son is one of the parables of Jesus in the Bible, appearing in Luke 15:11–32.  Jesus shares the parable with his disciples, the Pharisees and others.
In the story, a father has two sons. The younger son asks for his portion of inheritance from his father, who grants his son's request. This son, however, is prodigal (i.e., wasteful and extravagant), thus squandering his fortune and eventually becoming destitute. As consequence, he now must return home empty-handed and intend to beg his father to accept him back as a servant. To the son's surprise, he is not scorned by his father but is welcomed back with celebration and a welcoming party. Envious, the older son refuses to participate in the festivities. The father tells the older son: "you are ever with me, and all that I have is yours, but thy younger brother was lost and now he is found."
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Sendhelp Aug 2022
Another parable that speaks to who should be paid more: Matthew 20:1-16:
The Parable of the Workers in the Vineyard
20 “For the kingdom of heaven is like a landowner who went out early in the morning to hire laborers for his vineyard. 2 Now when he had agreed with the laborers for a denarius a day, he sent them into his vineyard. 3 And he went out about the third hour and saw others standing idle in the marketplace, 4 and said to them, ‘You also go into the vineyard, and whatever is right I will give you.’ So they went. 5 Again he went out about the sixth and the ninth hour, and did likewise. 6 And about the eleventh hour he went out and found others standing [a]idle, and said to them, ‘Why have you been standing here idle all day?’ 7 They said to him, ‘Because no one hired us.’ He said to them, ‘You also go into the vineyard, [b]and whatever is right you will receive.’
8 “So when evening had come, the owner of the vineyard said to his steward, ‘Call the laborers and give them their wages, beginning with the last to the first.’ 9 And when those came who were hired about the eleventh hour, they each received a denarius. 10 But when the first came, they supposed that they would receive more; and they likewise received each a denarius. 11 And when they had received it, they [c]complained against the landowner, 12 saying, ‘These last men have worked only one hour, and you made them equal to us who have borne the burden and the heat of the day.’ 13 But he answered one of them and said, ‘Friend, I am doing you no wrong. Did you not agree with me for a denarius? 14 Take what is yours and go your way. I wish to give to this last man the same as to you. 15 Is it not lawful for me to do what I wish with my own things? Or is your eye evil because I am good?’ 16 So the last will be first, and the first last. For[d] many are called, but few chosen.”
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I have cared for my 94 year old mother for the past 18 years... Plus, how much is my health that has been in jeopardy... worth?

God Bless all caregivers who gave and sacrificed beyond earthly meanings...
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There’s always another side to this. For illustration, I’ll call him Tim.

Tim failed to launch, so he stayed with his mom saying he was helping out so he couldn’t work. Tim had plenty of time to fish, and more time to indulge his multiple drug addictions, but Tim’s mom was comfy and as she didn’t have dementia, Tim’s sister Toni chose to honor her wishes while observing from a distance.

Tims mom died at 91. Toni as executor made Tim leave, then split the estate as directed. Tim found religion, found na, and finally bought a house with this money.

Should Toni have gotten nothing?
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bundleofjoy Aug 2022
what do you think would be a fair way of splitting things?

my own opinion:
some scenarios are very difficult to figure out exactly what would be fair. and yet, in your imaginary example, i bet toni was jumping with joy that she wasn’t “it”.

(jumping with joy that she didn’t do any caregiving).

i think some scenarios are very complex, and even someone with great morality will have difficulty figuring out what’s the fairest way of splitting things. when a case is difficult, you do your best to try to guess what would be fair.

on the contrary, some cases are much more simple - and if you did a survey on the forum for example, you’d get a pretty unanimous opinion on what’s fair.
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verystressedout: Ideally, the caregiver adult child should receive more of an inheritance. However, the ideal world does not exist. My late mother lived on a poverty level, but she still managed to have a savings account and she owned her home. My sole sibling had pulled some shady stuff involving financials that I found out about. In the end, I got him to pay what was due out of his own funds and not our mother's. That last segment was a little off topic, but it really 'got my goat' at the time especially since he is a juris doctor, aka, attorney.
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Absolutely!! They have given up their lives to care for their parents. The inheritance should be split according to the amount of time each sibling cares for the parent.
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