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Please share ONLY positive experiences with long-term care facilities for your mom/dad. It is a hard decision and I read already millions and millions of bad stories, but there should also be good ones....?


In-home care is impossible in our case. It's too expensive and having dementia, mom should be watched 24/7. She was living in my house for 15 years. The last two years were a nightmare before she finally got aspiration pneumonia because of never listening that she should not eat solid food. Now either I should quit my job and completely abandon my kids or she should be in a facility. (90 years old, dementia, dysphagia problems, hypertension). All money that I have will be just for one year living without a job, then what? I will be without insurance being only a year ago a cancer patient.


She is now in rehab and even now I dont have a quiet life, because I am going there every day, checking on her. I have no idea how I can manage all that at home. Her mood is going up and down every day. One day she is alert and nice and another day she is completely out of mind, asking 60 times per minute the same questions... I visited already several NH in my area, some nice, some not. I put her on a waiting list for a good one, but I need some reassurance that nursing homes can be not so bad...Thanks and sorry for a long story. And I am practically an only child. (This is another sad story, as her son does not want to help at all.)

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My mom has been in NH for two years. She started in the AL section and made the move over to NH. She is thriving in NH, she is involved in most activities, goes to church services. She loves the staff and the staff is very good with the Residents. I didn’t think she would end up there so soon, but it was a good move for her.
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Where are you located? and thanks for the positive response.I see NJ. we are also in NJ, but where? and what the name of the facility?
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My mom has been in a NH for about 1.5 years. It was my 2nd choice home but I just couldn’t wait any longer so I took it. She has done quite well here, I can’t imagine it would have been any better in my first choice. Of course the CNAs are understaffed. That is my ongoing complaint at the monthly family council meeting with administration. In NYS there is no minimum cna staffing requirement, which is astounding to me since they try to regulate every other aspect of our lives. Even so they take much better care of her than I could possibly do at home. There is a NP on each floor that can write scripts and her medical care is so much easier than I could have handled trying to get her to appointments. The staff that they do have is very caring. I have been mostly happy with how they have handled emergencies. I am here daily and can monitor what’s happening and can relax a little when I’m gone.
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poetry21 Jul 2018
rocketjcat, what you can tell about infections in NH, did your mom health was the same there or worse? I am mostly thinking about UTI and respiratory infections that could be on high in NH...
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My mom was in skilled nursing and then moved to Memory Care when she began to wander. Her care was wonderful. They knew every move she made and monitored her behavior and even what she ate and wouldn’t eat. Any issue I had with them was resolved immediately.

Can I make one suggestion though? Do you need to visit every single day? That’s stressful in itself. If Mom is being well-cared for, let the staff handle it. Give yourself a break.
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Poetry, I agree, take a break,from visiting so much.

I had a very good experience with a care facility for both parents. It is a private pay place, a little more staff, less turnover. Mom passed away but Dad is now in the memory care unit at the same place. This is in WV.

I think it can be a real crap shoot. As good as our place is they are still understaffed. All these places are.

But keep in mind, none are perfect, maybe not the care you would do personally, but you can’t do 24/7 memory care without killing your self.

I would try to line up a place and transfer her directly from rehab. If she comes back home it’s just that much harder to move again.
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Ahmijoy, I wish I can follow your advice and probably I will when she ll be settled in LTC facility, but for now i cant, because too many changes every day, like she just started to eat by herself little by little, and so on...What do you mean by visiting less frequently, one a week. Another big problem that i forgot to mention she does not speak English well, therefore I have a person coming each day for her for three hours at least and speak with her....language barrier is a big problem. But thank you for your positive experiences. unfortunately, Windyridge, I can not pay private and mom should be in Medicaid paid facilities, that's what scares me. if I can pay private, i will take 24/7 home care, but I cant and she does not have anything, came to live with me and I am by myself first generation immigrant in a country, so no any savings, just job and hopes....
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In April 2017, my 86 year old Mom was alert, oriented, a very social person, and able to do her own ADLs until she suddenly requested to go to the ER Dept. b/c of a backache. Forty-eight hours after being admitted to the hospital, Mom refused to eat or do any of her ADLS. After 2 weeks in the hospital, Mom was transferred to the local nursing home for Rehab. Mom bounced back and forth between being her usual social self and willing to do her ADLS versus complaining about everything that the NH staff and therapy did. I never knew which "Mom" that I would get a phone call from or see when I visited. The nursing staff and therapy staff were great with Mom and they were able to redirect her (most of the time) and they always treated her with respect (even after she accused them of mistreating her--they hadn't). Mom has been diagnosed with Major Depression with Delusions and Mild Dementia. I feel that the nursing staff on the Rehab Unit and now the Memory Care Unit are doing a great job taking care of her. When my cousin from Wisconsin visited last year, she was very impressed with the facility and the staff.

I have worked in several nursing homes over 20+ years in different towns and cities and there are many "GOOD" nursing homes. You need to remember that these are "Institutions" and that they have rules and regulations to follow that you might not agree with, but that you have to accept. And "Yes", understaffing has always been a problem in nursing homes.

I would suggest that you do NOT visit your Mom EVERY DAY in order to give your Mom time to get used to the nursing staff and the facility routine. By not visiting every day, you are also showing the NURSING STAFF THAT YOU TRUST THEM to take care of your Mom. If you ever see a "problem" or have a question, please talk to the nursing staff in a calm, respectful, professional voice with minimal emotion. The nursing staff will most likely respond to the same way. If you go into the facility, with "Guns A-blazing----looking for trouble" then you will find trouble.

Give yourself a break and visit your Mom once or twice a week. Maybe eat supper with her if you work during the day. The cost is usually $6-10/meal for yourself. I think that if you have found a nursing home that you like, then that is where your Mom needs to go. Good Luck.
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Poetry, I understand. Not all Medicaid places are bad however.

I don’t have an easy answer for you but don’t quit your job and sacrifice your life for the last bit of your mom’s life. It can be very hard to do but I think we have to find that balance of caring for loved ones and caring for ourselves also.

Wishing you luck......
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I just read your comment about the language barrier. If you have someone coming to talk to your Mom in her language for three hours, then maybe you can visit for only 1-2 hours per day until your Mom gets settled into the long term care facility. Maybe you could make a 3-ring binder that has pictures or photos with English words and the corresponding words in your Mom's language that the staff and your Mom can use when you are not at the nursing home.
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DeeAnna, thats exactly what I am doing, English words and comes only for 1-2 hours, I simply cant more as it makes me so sick seeing her in miserable environment (she was very active person before all that happen). And yes, when and if I complain, i am trying to be very quiet and thankful for the all that they doing now for mom, I know that it is not very easy with her. Sometime I even think that she is better behaving when I am not there, but unfortunately because of her dementia, some days are good and some days are bad....And yes, thanks for the great idea to take a dinner with her, it could be very helpful as long as she will be eating completely by mouth, now she just started after being almost a month on feeding tube, eat a puree food.
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I PM’d to you your question Poetry
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No Positives,None  Sorry can't post a feel good story.
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Years ago my parents, after several grueling years of being caregivers for my grandmother, placed her in a NH. She was bedridden. The NH is 5 miles from my parents' home and my mom went there for every meal to feed my grandmother as she needed help eating. This particular NH has heavy community involvement. There are a number of churches which come and have activities with the patients.

My grandmother was on medicaid and received good care at this facility. There were a couple of CNAs in particular she adored.

I had guardianship over a relative in 2015. She had Alzheimer's and then was bedridden due to a broken kneecap which needed to be elevated.

The NH was about 5 miles from my house, so it was very convenient. The building was older and a bit shabby looking, however, the staff there took very good care of her. The lady who bathed her and changed her bedding daily was a very kind and giving person. I visited her daily, which I think makes a difference because the staff knows a family member is watching, but I agree with what someone else said about not visiting your mom every single day.
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Glad to hear that your Mom is not needing the feeding tube. I realize that watching some one eat pureed food isn't all that appetizing. Maybe you could ask the nursing staff to show you how to feed your Mom the pureed food; and then if you want to, maybe you can feed your Mom (on her "Good Days" when she is cooperating with you). Or ask the nursing staff if your Mom gets any high-protein "smoothies" (such as Ensure) mid-morning or midafternoon that you could help her eat/drink? Anything that has a positive aspect or will encourage a positive interaction between you and your Mom.

My Mom is on a special diet also: ground meat in a divided plate and a Sippy cup. At times I find it hard to watch her eat. My brother and SIL have eaten meals with Mom when they visit.
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Poetry, I understand that it is very difficult to see your mom in this situation. Even though my mom was well taken care of and well-liked in her facility, she did nothing but complain and say how unhappy she was. If we took a vote of all the caregivers here who have loved ones in a facility, I can almost guarantee you that most of them would say their loved ones say they are miserable and mistreated.

It’s very difficult to give up the care of a loved one to strangers. Perhaps in your home country it was expected of children that they would care for their aging parents, yes? Do you fear that your mom will not receive the care she needs if you are not there to do it for her? I agree that the staff needs a chance to get to know Mom and the care she requires. If you’re always there, that’s not going to be possible. You can visit more than once a week, but try not going every day. Mom will be able to communicate. The staff st the facility is used to dealing with people who have communication issues. They will help your mother understand. 
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My dad was in a MC for the last weeks of his life, and he was happy and we were able to enjoy him and not be angry and fussing at him all the time.He thought he was at a hotel
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LisaNj, I did not received any e mail from you. Did you used (removed by moderator: please use private messaging to share identifying information) . ? thanks
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AhmiJoy,
in my country of birth children took care of their parents no more than here, some do and some dont, only our's NH are nightmare comparing to here. So people prefer to hire somebody at home. I would like to do so too, but it looks like that mom will need more professional care than just a nonprofessional caregiver, and professional caregiver at home cost fortune. So it is practically NO choice for me.
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I found a rare non-profit Alzheimer's Center that accepts medicaid and they put my mom on their waiting list. She was doing wonderfully at home when a place finally came open there, but since their criteria for admittance was that the person be a wonderer (it was a locked facility) we needed to take the spot while she was still capable of wondering. If we waited for the next spot and she was wheelchair bound or bed bound she would not have been able to go there and there were few choices for Medicaid patients in town. And I'd visited them all and not wanted to put her in any of them. All that to explain why she was moved to this skilled nursing facility or SNF / memory care before she was totally out of it.

So since she still has some awareness she was soooooo mad at me for putting her in that hellhole! But of course it isn't a hellhole. It took a bit over 2 weeks for her to accept it and I had to stay away for almost that whole time. But when I visited again, she showed me around her new place and was very proud of it! So now I visit every day, sometimes for 15 minutes and sometimes for a couple hours. Sometimes I take her to the zoo which she loves, for an hour. Some days she is fine with the place and some days she hates it. I've just developed a thicker skin and after my imaginary "complaints boundry" is met, I tell her goodbye and preserve my own sanity. She is safe and cared for. I do all I can for her. So I feel no shame or upset that she is not happy all the time. She still has some responsibility for her own happiness and if she is determined to be unhappy then nothing I do will change that. Once I realized that it was like a weight lifted from my shoulders!

So check with your local "Area Agency on Aging" (Google it) and they have the list of all facilities in your area. It should be in a grid form with columns for Medicaid, rehab only, medicare (basically for rehab), private pay, private pay with spend-down for Medicaid, etc. So it's fairly easy to cross out the private pays and rehab onlys and then you have a list of what is available for Medicaid. Then go visit each one. Forget appointments. Just go. There will be someone to show you around. They like appointments so they can present the best light, but you want to see them as they usually are. If you can find a non-profit, you might have better luck there as they are not *soley* concerned with money. Not always, but for the most part. Good luck!
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My mother spent four years in a nursing home following a huge stroke that took away every physical ability. She was private pay along with LTC insurance at first, that ran out pretty quickly and she became a Medicaid patient. There was never any difference in her care between the ways she was paying. She received very good care. In four years there was never a bedsore, she was moved from bed to wheelchair several times a day, didn’t sit in yucky diapers, and was dressed every morning in her own clothes. Many of the workers at her nursing home considered their work to be a calling and not just a job. I won’t tell you it was perfect. I do believe a good portion of her getting such good care was that we, her family, were frequently there. When workers see that you care it’s like they care more also. I know some folks here have restrictions of travel and time that limit that which are unavoidable, but even then checking in by phone I think is important. I remember overhearing the workers speaking sadly about the residents who it seemed no one cared for. We took pics of my mom’s favorite hairstyle so they’d fix her hair like she liked it, had clothing she liked and changed it out seasonally, and showed up once in a while with cookies for the staff. Just little things to show we cared that were subtle reminders for them to care also. It was as pleasant an experience as a nursing home can be. It’s obviously not what any of us wants for our parents but sometimes it’s the best and only choice
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NomadSE and Daughterof1930, thank you for responses, yes, I do understand that I should visited frequently and go to see facilities without appointments, that's what i am doing and by now I already saw one good one and two so so ones, will wait until we can for a place in a good one. But the hardest thing is to develop a thicker skin, it is so hard. my brother did that but god knows how he was able to do this....he just said to me, i cant help and disappeared....She was on me all 15 years after my father's dad and she still on me, even if I realized that I cant anymore provide a care at home.
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My experience of wife being in the nursing home, as well as visiting residents in other nursing homes is that ALL are understaffed and have much turnover of personnel because the staff works at the human limit. Still, she received good and loving care from almost all of the nurses and CNAs, albeit not at the snap of fingers. There were two CNAs who mistreated her badly but nothing came of it when I reported it...She was massively handicapped and could not explain what had happened aside from gestures.

One thing I learned really quickly was that it is useless to call and ask how she was doing. I learned that if there is a problem, they would call me....I also learned that giving the CNAs a twenty now and then did wonders...I'd give the better ones two or three twenties a year and so when I asked them for "special" assistance, they came through quickly.

Grace + Peace,

Bob
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That’s interesting OldBob that you could slip the CNAs money. They do not allow any types of gifts to staff where my dad is. They can get fired for accepting. However residents chip in money to a gratuity fund at Christmas and it is divided up amongst the staff of the entire retirement facility. I agree with understaffing.
Ok for the positive, the place my dad is in is private pay they don’t take Medicaid. It isn’t perfect...no place is. However, the staff are good about caring for him. I will say they do see a gentler side of him than I do. Agree with Nomad about the complaining...which is typical that parents will do with their children. I too have to let it roll off and redirect him.
My Aunt, his unmarried sister, was in a Medicaid facility and it was actually quite nice so said the aunt who took care of her finances etc.
you choose the one you think is best and go for it. I agree that it’s best to move straight from rehab. Good advice above on using Google to help locate ones who qualify. Good luck. It’s a hard place to be in, I know. Sorry too that your brother bailed out...that’s not right.
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We had my Mom, with COPD and dementia, in the same nursing home for five years. It was a fabulous place and the staff were excellent and so caring. Before NH she made several trips to ER with some hospitalizations every year. Once in the NH she never made another trip to ER or hospital. She had excellent medical care in the NH. She was happier there than she would have been in her own home or a family member’s home. I hope you find a good placement for your Mom.
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I don't have direct experience that you ask for but I do have a very important point to share. When my mom was in a rehab facility my sister was lucky enough to share a very honest conversation with a social worker. The main point she made was that the people who get the most visitors tend to get the best care; so whatever decision you make, make sure you visit as often as you can.
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I'd like to comment on the frequency of visits issue. When my dad was in MC, my mom and I visited every other day. We found that to be a good routine. He looked forward to our visits, but he had one day in between to be on his own. A routine was very important to him, and when I asked the director if we should come more often, she recommended we stick to our established schedule. We also came at the same time every day between lunch and dinner. That way, when we left, we walked him to the dining room and left him at his usual dining table. That made it a lot easier on us and him when it was time to leave. Whatever schedule you're able to establish, stick with it as much as you can.
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My Dad is in a memory care nursing home. He's a generally well-behaved resident, although he does have his moments. They take good care of him. He is generally clean and definitely well-fed. When he wants to stay up late to watch the baseball game, he can. They seek him out for activities so he doesn't sit all alone in his room all the time. They are sure to take him on outings. They have a few personalized things they do with him including bringing him an iPad and helping him watch a few TED Talks online. They even have enlisted his help to get their newsletter mailed. (True, he can't help much because he's very slow, but they know he likes purposeful activities.) What drew me to this facility was their focus on dementia care and their large activity staff.

No it isn't perfect, and I still have to advocate for him. Sometimes things get missed. But overall, he is in a wonderful community. When I take him around the community in his wheelchair like to take him outside, people from all over say Hi to him by name. They actually know him. That's what I wanted for him.

He's not on Medicaid yet - he's on spend down. We got him here early so we had a choice. His move to Medicaid, if it happens, will be pretty smooth.
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poetry - My husband's parents are in long term care - 1 in a nursing home and the other in assisted living. One has Alzheimers and the other has dementia. We can not say enough good about both of these places. Compassionate staff, activities they enjoy, etc. Most important they are receiving the care and attention they need. You are doing what is right for your mother and for you. I agree with Windyridge. My father-in-law is in a nursing home on Medicaid and it is one of the best in our area in upstate New York.
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Yes, we had a very positive experience with the VA NH in Montrose, NY. The entire staff was friendly, compassionate, & respectful to residents, visitors, and each other. Even though Mom was private pay, we were able to carve out some money for her long-time aide to be with her 3x/week for a few hours each time. Basically, we were paying for her to visit with Mom, as the staff was excellent with Mom’s care. My sister (POA) lived 15 minutes away & she visited 2x/week; my brother drove 40 minutes for his weekly visit; and I drove 1.5 hours for my weekly visit. The 3 of us limited our visits to 1-1.5 hours, as that was best for Mom — unless she was agitated or anxious, then we would stay until she was calm or had fallen asleep.

I can’t say enough good things about the staff at that place. There are good places out there!
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When we were looking for a nursing home for Mum, my brother and I visited several in her city. We live in Ontario where nursing homes are publicly funded at the same rate regardless of which facility. There is a huge range, all funded the same. Some resembled third world hospitals where I wouldn't put my worst enemy, others were much, much better. The key is to go visit the ones your Mom can afford and then get her on the list for admission at the ones you like the best. Keep in mind that fancy facilities may impress us but don't mean much to the residents. What really matters is a safe, clean, pleasant environment where staff care, are respectful, responsive and cheerful. Where there are activities that match the resident's needs. Look at bulletin boards to see what's happening. Look at the faces of the staff, even those who do cleaning, housekeeping etc. We are blessed to have found a place for Mum that we can relax and trust they will look after her. They do exist. Visiting at different times of the day and week can tell the story as do conversations with family members of other residents.
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