My father (80) has dementia and let a 25-year-old gold digger move in with him. What should I do?

gmbyacht, I guess that's the end of 'it' then. At least she wasn't 25 like we all thought at first. Being 50 is a little less creepy. She's still a gold digger, but your dad knew that and didn't care. So it's over, get on with your life.

Sorry to hear that has gone so far. I agree, try to stay connected but not CONNECTED. If you know what I mean. If he is in danger it is up to the authorities. You can keep an I or Ear on him but he has made his decision sort of. I hope you don't have to deal with it any more. If he is an adult sort of so be it...

Original Poster-Dad marries young Gold Digger. Just need to vent. He recently promised to bring me for catarract surgery. He has since bailed out and said his new wife won't like it if he has to get out of her bed to help me out. He went so far to ask the cleaning lady in our condo if someone else could drive me to the appt. that day. I am disgusted and through with him - I know I have said this before. An elderly woman/neighbor is going to drive me. I really think I need to give up on Dad-he now owes his life to this _itch that does not allow him to take calls from me or anyone.. The gold digger is now under his health insurance, cell ph family plan, a new car, her taxes paid on her house, many free remodling issues taken care of and the list goes on.. and yes a free pass to Disney Land - no kidding he bought it for her. Mind you this has all happened in 5 months since he dated/married her.

I feel for you watching out for your dad and then being pushed to the side. Who has power of attorney for your dad? Is he safe? Another way to look at it is, if she is living with him and he is happy that isn't a bad thing. I know you said he has been married 3 times but it does not sound like you are going to help him in that area. Take care.

Dear dhoffmann, He just gave up any Power of Attny. that my brother once had. He put the living trust under the gold diggers name. She can pull the plug-if it gets to that. They each own their own home in the area. She typically throws him out from HER house at night usually when she is probably expected to perform-so she sends him home alone where he drinks alone. If Dad is getting taken to the cleaners, he chose it and is very well aware of what he is doing. I think it is time for acceptance for me. Hurt again, and hopefully hurt for the last time. The tables may be turning in that I have no reason or desire to speak to HIM again. His sexual addiction has overrode all his ties to common sense and family ties.

It has been a while since we heard from you, gmbyacht. If your father was worried about leaving the GD's bed in the morning to take you to your cataract appointment, he could have gone to his own home the night before (since he is used to being "kicked out") and then he wouldn't have been leaving the GD's bed to do something for you. The GD certainly has your father under her thumb but he seems to like it. What concerns me is the outcome of this infatuation he has and how it will affect you in the future. I suspect that before long your father will become ill (or have an "accident"), die, and then the GD will get everything that was your father's. I think, but of course do not know for sure, that if I was in your position, I would be doing all in my power to put an end to the GD's little scheme asap. I can't believe there is nothing that can be done. But maybe I am just a dreamer.

I feel for you, and I hope it all works out, but it is out of your hands. Keep an eye on him from a distance and build up your own support system, including rides...Best Wishes...

There probably is nothing you can do and getting upset will only make things worse for you do your siblings have any contact with them I would bury the hachet and maybe invite them over for coffee or take them out to a meal if you can the more you fight him the more he will turn away.

gmbyact here: the original poster. My Dad has just blocked me from any calls to his phone!. I had the cataract surgery today and had to take a cab alone--he had promised to take me - then canceled on me. I talked to other long distance siblings and told them what was going on overall. Not that they have "cared so far and he is a big boy". I just asked for my apt. key back and he had a cheshire drunk grin on his face. I think it is over. My next report, may be that she is slowly or has killed him. Hopefully, my new vision, will be that of the truth that exists. I am mortified.

Yes, your father is a big boy (as your siblings say) and that's how he is behaving - like a boy (and a very silly, little one at that). But he has been pretty much this way since you were born I would guess (from the other things you have written about him). He is in the clutches of the GD and since, apparently, nothing can or will be done legally to remove him from those clutches, he is a goner. I think what bothers me most about this now is that the GD will end up inheriting your father's estate (which she already has started to grab) and you, gmbyacht, a daughter who cared about her father, will likely inherit nothing. I hope you weren't counting on an inheritance from your father to help you live fairly comfortably in your own old age.
As a type of P.S., since you have just had a cataract operation, if your dad should happen to fall during a drunken state and he calls on you for help, please remember that you were told you must not do any heavy lifting for the next little while. Take care of yourself.

Thank you Ics. I have resigned myself that I am out of his life completely. As he does not want to even speak to me. I am almost glad to be rid of him as he has been negligent of his kids all his life. I thought I could help him and make him "right" with love + time.. He has not changed and NEVER will. I think he's cooked his goose for the last time. He told someone he married her so that he will have someone to take care of him in his old age. She may wipe him out before that and be long gone. And I will not be available when he falls again. I have to do this for my sanity-I think that's what the other siblings have done. They are all well off with great jobs.

gmbyacht--now that you have learned that you are powerless over the irrational actions of your father, you might want to take the next step and join an Al-Anon support group for adult children like yourself who grew up with a problem drinker. You will be amazed how much this will help you break the "enablement" cycle..If you do not get this kind of support you will find it very difficult to resist his cries for help when he falls again and the GD is long gone. You have been programmed to react to your father's manipulation so even though your head says "Don't do it" your heart will say "Well just one more chance" and you will be back in this vicious cycle. So please seek out Al-Anon in your area now while your head has the advantage.

It seems to me that ezcare has a good idea, gmbyacht. I hope you will join an Al-Anon group - it sounds like it could help you stay strong in your determination to get on with your life and look after yourself. Please keep all of us posted as to the steps you are taking. We all want the best for you.

Update from original poster: FYI only: Dear Friends, my father just bought a house because SHE-the gold digger wanted a new home for "them" (+her drug addict son + biker girlfriend). It will of course be in both their names & she will get it when he dies. Yes, many of you were correct as well as my suspicions. At this rate, there will be nothing left in his estate when he dies. She's wiping him out pretty quickly bit by bit. She already has her own home in her name, he has his condo within a few miles apart. What the heck is he thinking in getting another home?. He is spending $$ like a drunken sailor. Yes, I have moved on with my life. I wish there was an easy lesson to be learned here. Perhaps, just take care of yourself and stop caring in a case like this knowing how selfish & a drunk he was all of his life, I should not have ever cared. There is nothing I could have done in (his probably grand finale) 9 ongoing month saga even with all your suggestions/help. Thank you.

gmbyacht...thanks for giving us an update. I am happy to hear that you have moved on with your life but am wondering if you ever tried Al-Anon?
If not I still urge you to do so. You have been programmed since your childhood to respond in an unhealthy emotional way to your father's dysfunctional behavior. This is still the keystone of your psychological development so even though your brain will always tell you "let it be" your emotions will continually nag you to "try one more time" This is evident in your FYI update. You provided twice as much information about your father's latest venture than about what you are doing with your new found freedom from his manipulation. That is not a good sign. So please get support from people who have walked in your shoes and have overcome.
Peace and happiness to you in the New Year!

Hi I live in Florida also, This a prime place for scam artists and abusers of the elderly. There are agency you can contact. My MIL startied dating a "friend" from church (Miami area). He had befriended her for a couple of years in order to get into her life and take her money. He had a long record of scamming people. My BIL, husband and siblings called the Dade County Police, who amazingly were able to get rid of him. The moment she gave him money, everything changed. This for some reason gave the police some leverage. She was however a sweet lady, very churchy who "saw the light". I thought my husband was going to have a heart attack over this.

Good luck

Also, if your Dad has been diagnosed with dementia, she can't be POA. It is not legal for someone to give POA if they are mentally incompetent.

Well, I am glad to know You are doing ok his life is his own mes truly. take good care of you and consider that closed.....Hope it stays so. it is his bed and he can lie in it. You just do all you need to and build your life...I know how hard it is, I am still struggling to do so myself...Peace

Madge1 made a good point, I think. Gmbyacht, could it be proven that your father is suffering from dementia? He certainly has been behaving like he is demented. I know you may not want to deal with this any longer (it has been going on so long) and that you need to get on with YOUR life. But if there is still "fight" left in you, perhaps you could still get the better of this little scheming gold-digger. Does your brother, who is POA( I believe you said several months back) still not care about what is going on?

If your father is proved incompetent, by a physician, she can't get POA. Proving it is the deal. It may or may not be easy.

Answering a couple of suggestions. In previous emails, I believe I already mentioned that *He cannot be proven to have dimentia to the point where he is incapable. *He took POA away from my brother a couple or so months ago and put the Gold Digger in charge of his health-i.e. pull the plug when/if you want too. - thinks it's called a living will. (He's fine at the moment, driving around, etc.) She has an unwritten power over him. Dam old fool.

My other siblings moved hundreds of miles away from him years ago and really don't care what he does. As I said before, the response is "he is a big boy". When he kicks the bucket and they all end up with $100, I won't HAVE to say, "I told you so". Hey, it's his life. He appears to know exactly what he is choosing to do. The dam old fool--that I have accepted.

I am so sorry, gmbyacht. The pain your father is inflicting on you is still so evident. I wish I could help.

ggmbyacht - when I wrote that I wish I could help, I meant I wish I could help YOU - not that I wish I could help inflict pain!! At the moment I clicked "add answer" I realized that what I wrote could be interpreted two ways. My apologies.

Ics, no problem. I understand. I want to mention that I have pretty much disconnected/disowned him after he blocked my calls. I feel little to nothing for him.--except that he is and always has been a looser. I am continuing my story in the hopes that others will not fall prey or are at least aware of this kind of a situation - from beginning to end. I have not found the time for al-anon - as I am taking care of myself, children, job and volunteering. Many Thanks, Happy New Year.

Hello dear supporters.
Wanted to finish the saga-but this may not be the last chapter..
Fast forward from my original posting. Father is divorcing gold digger-he left message on my answering machine & has come crying back to me.. Marriage did not last more than 1 1/2 yrs. No property, money, cars, gifts, benefits left that she can get her grimey paws on. Apparently, she threatened to kill him as well over money, a neighbor told me. I found out he was her 6th marriage & 3 disappeared mysteriously. I got friendly with him for awhile until she called me 4 months ago and told me I was going to have a problem if I contact him again. She also said, "I am not going to let that ugly f-- ing bitch ruin my life" I overheard her screaming in our condo hall. I have no intention of supporting him in any way now that this has all come down. It is called bounderies and I am not going to put myself in a mentally abusive/hopeless relationship family or not. He did not listen to me, neighbors or friends. I have already gone on with MY life.

gmbyacht - I have often wondered what was happening in your father's life and in yours. Thanks for the update. I am SURE you aren't surprised at what has happened with the marriage. It is said that there is no fool like an old fool and I'm afraid your dad proved the saying. I am glad you have already gone on with YOUR life (just like he did with his) and I hope you are happy with the results of how you have gone on. It will be so hard for you now though to maintain your boundaries with your dad now that he has come crying back to you but I wish you all the luck in the world in doing so. May you be granted strength and wisdom. Much love.

You hit the nail on the head. I predicted she would take him for as much as she could possibly get, then walk and or kill him-to get more. The later has not happened yet and I hope that is not the final chapter. He actually registered in his name and gave her a gun to protect herself against drug dealers bothering her grown son that lives with her in HER house. Genious wasn't that.

Thank you for thinking of me and your love and support. I will keep you all up-to-date.

A man who was caring for my mother wiped her out. Does anyone know if there is a statute of limitations on going after someone like this?

REMIND HIM YOU ARE HIS SON!!!!! AND WHEN SHE HURTS HIM DOES HE EXPECT YOU TO BE THERE? ASK HIM KINDLY TO VIEW HIS PAST! DAD I LOVE YOU! DOES THIS MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

I am now dealing with the aftermath of my father's poor decisions and helping him to get the care he needs. He too allowed a woman 25 years younger - he was in his late 80's - to move in and lied about their relationship. She was just there to help him, right?. She had been married 6 times. She isolated him and alienated him from his own family. With his stubborness and his need to be in control, he failed to see that this woman had total control over him. After he disinheirited all of his own children, revoked POA from a sibling, re-wrote his will leaving her everything, cut off all communication with us, we let him be.
They married soon after all that. And that's when she went to work on him. She stole tens of thousands of $$ from him, perhaps, no quite sure, drugged him, began a deliberate plan to drive him crazy and paranoid, and when he kept on living she got tired of it all and went to the local dept of aging and said she was leaving him and initiated guardianship by the state. He's legally blind so he could not be left alone. He only knew what she told him.
He was removed from his own home and placed in a nursing home under temporary guardianship. What was left of his assets was frozen and they had POA and control of his bank account. She must have thought she was home free. However, she didn't have any plans in place to leave and even her own children wouldn't take her in. As desperate as she was to just walk away and take at least half of his estate, she didn't count on any of what was to happen.
He contacted me just before he was removed from his home. We had had no contact at all for 3 years. I was so angry and hurt with him I went into therapy. I learned to live my own life and was fine during that time. The first time he called he was incoherent, somewhat understandable, and I wasn't going to interfere. But he is a human being and my father. So while he is in the nursing home I continued to talk with him once a week. He became more & more coherent and began to understand that his so-called wife was the source of all his problems. He started to cooperate with the dept of aging, they got him a lawyer and he was in court a few days ago. He had gone through 2 days of a psyche exam and found to be competent. He is still sharp at 94 but I think he's still restoring his health.
I went to his hearing to determine whether he would be under permanent guardianship or if the court would rescind the guardianship.First time I'd seen him in 3 years. Wow, he had really gone downhill. He was declared competent and was free to do as he pleased. Unfortunately, the wife is still living in the home and he will be spending more time at the nursing home until he can regain sole possession of his home and get her out, arrangements made for in-home care and a divorce filed.
I say all this to let you know that there is hope for elderly folk who made terrible and deeply hurtful decisions to "come to their senses". It does come with a hefty price to pay - and I mean that not just financially but rebuilding trust with what is left of his family.
I just couldn't not help though my efforts are more geared to getting him the help he'll need than just accepting that we will welcome him back into our lives as though nothing has happened. He hurt all of us deeply. The woman he married did such damage to us all, I simply want her out of our lives so there's the possibility of rebuilding the trust and love we once had. Without going into to detail, this outcome is quite probable and will happen soon. Too soon to tell how long it will take, if ever, that we can be a family but I am glad to be helping the old man.
We're all vulnerable at some point but I believe that no matter how hurt and angry we are, extending some kindness to folks who were foolish is a good thing. We've all been foolish at some point. Try to remember this as you go through the very difficult times.
And lastly, I am an atheist so this has nothing to do with the forgive and forget crap. It has everything to do with being a human being and being kind to yourself and others. When a foolish person is in the throes of foolishness and it gets ugly, be good to yourself, live your life, and let the ugly go. If you are lucky, the fool will come around. If it doesn't happen, you will be ok and go on with your own life. You can't make someone change, they have to want it themselves. Honestly, I did not think in all these years my father would change his mind. I am glad he has for his own peace of mind. The "Serenity Prayer" is quite quite appropriate in these situations. Just be good to yourself.