For context, I'm the granddaughter of the elderly woman in question.
My mother and I live with her, and we need her house (long story involving divorce and a lot of other setbacks, including my mom having to quit her job to take care of my grandmother). We actually pay all the bills but she doesn't believe that, since she thinks her husband, who has been dead for several years, "took care of all of that" before he died. Her name is still on the house and everything.
Today, my grandmother, who likely has some form of dementia (she's also Japanese and does not speak English well/cannot hear well, which seems to make people reluctant to diagnose her with dementia) and who has historically been verbally abusive escalated to attempted physical violence. She tried repeatedly to hit her with a backscratcher while my mother was trying to help her off of her wheelchair onto the couch.
She's threatening to make every second my mother has with her hell, and has been telling me that I'm useless/never do anything for her. This is worse than it's ever been before. What can we do? She has had C. diff and almost had her kidneys fail, so we're worried about the cost of finding a group home for her especially with the history of C. diff - and she probably won't want to go anyway. She has repeatedly stated her intentions to "die in this house".
I just don't know what to do and am worried any action would somehow be seen as elder abuse, even though she's the one abusing my mom. Any suggestions or thoughts would be really welcome.
Yes. You can record the abuse on your phone.
But here are a few other thoughts.
First of all, if your GM is in a wheelchair I would remove all objects from her reach that she might use as a potential weapon. No backscratchers if she is going to become abusive.
If this is an escalation of violent behavior I would try to get her checked for a UTI. UTIs can cause this type behavior.
You could call your local Area Agency on Aging to see if you could get GM assessed to see what level of care they recommend. This would also put her on their radar and establish that she is acting out.
I assume your mom is not your GMs Power of Attorney?
Be sure to let the doctor know about these episodes.
Perhaps an adjustment in her medication would be appropriate if there is no UTI.
Keep a log of her actions and be ready the next time she sees her doctor or has to go to the ER. If you have dates and times and behavior it might help to get her diagnosed.
It does sound like she has dementia.
Dementia will not get better but there are medications that can help you manage GMs behavior.
This site has a great deal of information to help. Tell mom to check it out too.
It’s better to vent here than to become too upset with GM. Remember if she has dementia her brain is broken.
A visit with an elder attorney might be a good idea for mom so she can learn what resources are available to help GM and protect mom’s future as well.
Go on YouTube and look at Teepa Snow videos. They may help you learn techniques for redirecting GMs anger.
Be sure to get her checked for the UTI. It takes an antibiotic to clear up a UTI. They can be fatal and are very common with the elderly.
My mom does not have PoA, and my GM is not the type to give it up willingly. We'd have to go for guardianship if anything, and I don't think she's there yet. I don't want to tell Mom we need to get that ball rolling until I'm certain we can get guardianship.
Will do on watching Teepa Snow, moving objects away from her, and keeping a log/getting video when possible.
Thank you so much for all these suggestions. I've been trying to not panic and having any process is helpful.
Perhaps a geriatric psychiatrist would be a good call. A “specialist to help elders feel better”.
Ask her doctors what you can do to make it easier for them to diagnose her appropriately due to the language barrier. Perhaps there are questions you could have prepared and answered that the doctor could then reconfirm with GM.
All elders seem to have the ability to “ showtime”. Geriatric doctors are very aware of this. So there might be a level of protection for mom if GM is seeing drs who are more sensitive to elders and their manipulation of events.
Ghostbird, make sure your mom is getting breaks from caretaking. It’s very hard. We all have a breaking point. Don’t put up with dangerous behavior for both their sakes.
I am not blaming your mother or you. Don't get me wrong. When my 81 y.o. Alz. mother told me something that didn't make sense. or something untrue, I used to correct her, and boy did that get her all worked up and ANGRY. She told me i was lying or I was losing my mind/memory. In HER mind, she was absolutely right about everything. I eventually learned to just go with the flow, just agreed with her so that we wouldn't argue. She usually just forgets what she said a few minutes later.
When my mother got angry, she yelled and cried, and that really upset me and made me feel really bad. The only blessing was that she forgot we ever had an argument 20 minutes later.
So, try to go with the flow, agree with grandma, don't force her to do anything she doesn't want to. Try again in a few minutes. and you may find her more cooperative.
We're taking her to her infectious disease doctor tomorrow, so we're hoping he'll test again for a UTI and see if it's just outlasted the Macrobid she was on before.
Sadly, GM isn't the type to forget - she remembers grudges forever, and that seems to be a trait that outlasts the dementia and Alzheimer's altogether. There's also, according to my mom, a very Japanese thing where she expects her child to do everything she says, to never contradict her, and to always tell her she's right no matter what. So it might be partly cultural, and there's not much to be done about that.
She's a difficult case, basically.