My husband and his mother are very estranged. He knows very little about her. He hasn't even seen her except once in the past ten years. He got a call from one of his sisters that she was in trouble and drove to pick her up. It was obvious to us that she's far worse than anyone thought. She couldn't even remember her name. We thought she was being cared for by other relatives, and apparently hasn't been. We moved her and her dog in, but don't know what the next step is. She cant remember anything, gets easily confused, can't be left alone but refuses to accompany me when I have to leave the house. She's only 51(in Nov 2019). We were told we couldn't get a POA or Authorized representative papers because she is not considered able to sign those. But we can't get any of her information without those forms. We are lost on what to do. To top it off, her dog is seriously untrained, bites us and our dog, and weighs so much that he bowls her over and she can't control him. She forgets that she's not at home and is constantly letting him in from the garage to attack us. We don't want to get rid of him because she is seriously attached, but he is starting to become a danger. We are just so lost.
Not knowing her financial situation I cannot comment on what to do in that area. Although, I would definitely see where she can be placed. Living with you will never work.
Here is a link to a very, very large thread on the subject of narcissism and dementia that you may be interested in taking a look at:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/mom-dementia-narcissistic-162338.htm
Best of luck!
DH needs to call the discharge planning department at the hospital and tell them that MIL will not be allowed back into your home as she is a threat to your child's physical and mental health.
Be prepared for pushback. Do NOT allow them to bully you. Change the locks and do NOT let her back in if they send her home in a cab.
What does your sister in law have to say about all of this? What's wrong with MIL? What's been going on the past 10 years? Is she a drug user, an alcoholic? Is this dementia you're seeing? MIL is awfully young to be suffering THIS level of dementia!!! What's her health history been for the past 10 years? Where has she been living? Who's her doctor?
Then you need to get rid of the dog. Sorry, but this animal is just TOO dangerous to have inside of your home attacking people. Perhaps one of your sister in law's can house it; if not, the local shelter.
Depending on what your SIL has to say, I guess the next step would be a full medical evaluation of your MIL by a doctor and/or a neurologist to determine a diagnosis. Based on that dx, you'll have to decide if you want to house your MIL, or if she needs an Assisted Living or Memory Care environment to better function.
Then I'd make an appointment with an Elder Care attorney in your area to see how you can proceed with getting the necessary paperwork in order, depending on what MILs diagnosis is and if you want to house her.
A real mess, it sounds like. I'm so sorry you are faced with this stressful situation right now. I hope things work out for the best and that you're able to figure out what to do next.
GOOD LUCK!!!
In your bio, you stated that she has Dementia/Alzheimer's, Depression, Diabetes, and Anxiety disorder. These are all serious conditions in their own right and need to be addressed to see that she is on the proper medications and at the correct dosages, which may take some time as you are basically starting from scratch.
I reccomend you get right on getting her the help she needs, even if you go to Social Services to get her on Medicaid if she doesn't have established health insurance, so she can get the proper care she needs.
I also warn you for having her around your children, incase she is mentally unstable, as your kids may not be able to protect themselves should she go off the rails, given her Anxiety issues, it would be my first concern!
Having Diabetes and her other health problems, and not having been on the right meds, it might be determined that her "Dementia" symptoms and confusion are a side effect of not having the proper treatment and will hopefully diminish some (hopefully a lot), once her medications needs are met and she is back "on track", her Mental illness may also come into play to her obvious confusion too.
Mental confusion (Dementia ?) is often seen when Diabetes and Kidney function is not managed properly, she is very young (only 51 years old) to have such severe symptoms of Dementia, so hopefully she will improve with better medication and treatment, plus good nutrition too! It is important that she have a complete blood workup Asap!
It is so generous and commendable that you have taken on this responsibility of you estranged MIL, but you need to make sure that your family comes first! This woman is virtually a complete stranger to you, her Son and your young family and with the extensive issues that she has, it might be more than you guys can handle, and her Mental illness symptoms may possibly be even a danger to you all.
Run don't walk to getting her immediate health care, and maybe even get a Social worker involved to get her proper placement. And do know that if she ever ends up in hospital, you Can Refuse to take her home as an "UNSAFE DISCHARGE"! You would need to convey this to the Discharge Coordinator Sternly, and they will find her the necessary placement. You must not put your children and yourselves at risk and put too much strain on your family and your future lives. She may even need to be admitted to a Mental Hospital to be adjusted to new medicines.
NPD is a family destroyer, they suck the life out of you using FOG, Fear Obligation and Guilt, do not let the happen to you, your children and your marriage! Get educated, and make the Best decisions for your family first, and then help her to get the best care and living placement next! You cannot do this alone!
Good Luck!
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Stick to your guns and get her into a facility that can help her get better. This isn't about turns, it's about a person that is obviously, obviously suffering something.
Sometimes we have to do very hard things to help people, and we are usually not popular with other family members who think differently, oh well. If their mom gets better they can apologize and if not, your family and life are left intact.
Happy to read that you found a home for her dog.
This is a fantasic development! Would you consider/ be able with that diagnosis to put her in a memory care home with that diagnosis for a respite of a week or two so you can tend to your own children to get them started back to school? I know your hands have been so full and I don't know how you are doing all this!