My husband and his mother are very estranged. He knows very little about her. He hasn't even seen her except once in the past ten years. He got a call from one of his sisters that she was in trouble and drove to pick her up. It was obvious to us that she's far worse than anyone thought. She couldn't even remember her name. We thought she was being cared for by other relatives, and apparently hasn't been. We moved her and her dog in, but don't know what the next step is. She cant remember anything, gets easily confused, can't be left alone but refuses to accompany me when I have to leave the house. She's only 51(in Nov 2019). We were told we couldn't get a POA or Authorized representative papers because she is not considered able to sign those. But we can't get any of her information without those forms. We are lost on what to do. To top it off, her dog is seriously untrained, bites us and our dog, and weighs so much that he bowls her over and she can't control him. She forgets that she's not at home and is constantly letting him in from the garage to attack us. We don't want to get rid of him because she is seriously attached, but he is starting to become a danger. We are just so lost.
Whats husband say.
The dog was traumatized and uprooted to a brand new situation. That's why it has bad manners. And she isnt with it, so the dogs gonna take over.
Good luck getting her help.
PINCH COLLAR... he won't bull doze over anyone...
Mom.. 51.. ALZ is not racist of anything.. age, color, gender, etc... Like most illness to attacks anyone...
My friend was a MASTER DIVER.. SCUBA DIVER.. AWESOME GAL. Never had anyone in my life before or since then like her.. MISS her a lot.. She would call us:
" WE ARE HAVING A BBQ THIS AFTERNOON AT YOUR HOUSE! SEE YOU SOON! :) " I would tell my hubby.. quick, hurry, MARILYN CALLED:: We are having a BBQ today. WE need to clean !!!
She past away 10 years ago.. It seems like yesterday.. God, I miss her..O miss her hubby too..Knew something was wrong.. she divorced him..They wer good together. both sweethearts.. He doesn't come around anymore... :(
I actually don't know why I am posting this on this blog..
Wait.. she died too soon... Brain issues.. EARLY ONSET ALZ? It was not good. When I called her at the facility and they allowed me to talk with her... she couldn't talk due to the disease... she had her jovial laugh when she heard my voice...
My dog will not allow anyone near me without her guard up.. She needs to see and smell THE HANDSHAKE... If she doesn't see or smell this.. she is on HIGH ALERT... She knows...
TAke advantage of your situation.. GEt this pet on YOUR SIDE NOW... TREAT HIM KINDLY AND WITH STORE BOUGHT TREATS OR YOUR OWN.. LET HIM KNOW HE IS FAMILY.. make sure he all his immunizations are up to date.. Rabies, etc.
Yup, I have a friend who had to take his mom's dog... She hadn't been fixed, etc.. I made them see every time I went to the house poor thing was in "heat"..
I told them with extreme detail what I am seeing.. I would get up and clean up after this poor gal, and clean her up, and clearly say..she was their responsibility... Months later,.. they got that poor gal spayed.
With your new dog... Is he neutered? If not get him neutered.. He will Be a Better Dog.. Make sure he is up to date on vaccines..
Walk the poor guy at least around the block, the dog park. etc. DOGS NEED TO EXCERISE... AND SO DO WE.... Now you and dog can do this together.. tie the bond tighter.
51 seems young.. I should not judge.. no telling what she has endured, or is suffering from now... Check UTI Urinary tract infections, CAT SCANS ETC.
Does dementia or ALZ run amuck in your family? Cancer? etc? The answer to this with most people would be a resounding: YES.A family member has suffered from or died of something..
This is why I chose a pet to focus on... It is easier to figure in a sense.. Believe me.. You will see a difference if you take out a stale cracker or piece of bread, or a piece of chicken in frig.. whatever is edible and smells, will attract your dog's nose.. You will see a new personality... There are awesome traing treats in the stores. Recentll, I have been making my own pet food...INSTANT POT... Chicken on sale from markets... I find I like boneless n skinless chicken.. last week $1.99 a pound.. ONe small can of cat food.. $1,85... Pure chicken my cat doesn't throw up so much..
HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON.. DOG.. PET... TRAIN YOUR PET!
So if your dog.. YES,, NOW HE IS YOUR DOG... DO NOT ARGUE THIS ISSUE.. HE IS IN YOUR HOME.. HE NEEDS TO KNOW YOUR RULES... BE KIND.. IT IS THE BEST WAY.
He has not had any training so this may be hard on him.. this is why you need to be kind but assertive.
QUESTION: IS dog small, Chihuahua small, or Shepard large? Small may not do so well in a pinch collar.. shepards can handle pinch collars. They both DO REALLY WELL with KINDNESS & TREATS.. and tricks..
Your mom can be a part of this too if she wants to. 51 is kinda young.. So take he to the dog training classes too... Perhaps you can find a little about "mom" as well..
A fun excerise for the dog.... Put little dog treats hidden around the house.. Like near the t.v.,,,, closet... a ladder,... someone's shoe.. And keep him away from it until all the treats are hidden... Then give him a little smell and bit of it... ROVER : 3 TREATS.. !!!! GO FIND THEM :) HAPPY VOICE!!! fun at last He will thank you over and rover again.
Do this every night... He will begin to see his new family as a happy and loving and treat giving family... :)
Give DOG A HAPPY HOME !!! He just wants attention. Honestly food is where the heart is... and you can toss toys and play games... It will make things so much better= dog will actually feel he is a part of the family....
Our dog knows so many tricks.. I could have had her in a movie that was being filmed locally ... I didn't even think of it til I left... Walk in the park and she was acting goofy... I said: Where's Lilly? her best friend... She jumped and perked up like : WHERE? The movie set people saw this... laughing... I was just walking my dog...
I just wanted to keep walking, and she was taking her time to smell the park etc.
Train the dog to be nice. Treats are a good first start. If it starts nipping.. In a calm but assertive voice, say... nooooo noooo. Max, nooo, that's not nice..and turn away...
I don't know how old the dog is, or his nature, breed etc... But treats usually work... BE kind to this pet... and he will be kinder to you... TREATS TREATS TREATS... Is a good first start.
To give you an idea, my dog is part german shepard.. she looks it.. I take into places and they greet her... not me.. her,,, When I take her she is not known, she demands the attention, stands near the counter.. (treats are hidden there- she thinks of all places) demands the attention she wants--- TREATS---- When they are not presented.. I make her do a trick, and tell her what a sweetheart she is, and thank everyone who endured, this situation :)
She is not as happy, but everyone tells me what a wonderful and beautiful pup I have... She is so good....Fun and loving....
DH needs to call the discharge planning department at the hospital and tell them that MIL will not be allowed back into your home as she is a threat to your child's physical and mental health.
Be prepared for pushback. Do NOT allow them to bully you. Change the locks and do NOT let her back in if they send her home in a cab.
So either she can't consent, because she's currently climbing the walls mentally speaking; or she won't, which is up to her; or just possibly they haven't thought to ask her. Your DH might like to check it isn't the last!
Keep chipping away at those forms, and make it a point to visit the local SS office more frequently. Just to ask questions.
Call Medicare, with her on the phone to give consent for you to ask questions.
Today, in the mail, I received a letter from SS, which read in part:
SS said: "We recently reviewed the evidence (that I provided) in (your husband's) Social Security disability and found that his disability is continuing."
And, SS said: "We find that the work he has been doing does not show that he can do substantial work".
The rest of the letter contained really scary info that mostly, I do not understand. It has helped to be honest in reporting the true facts these past few years, even if there is fear he may be abruptly discontinued, or if the forms are scary, I will keep on advocating for my hubs.
Now, comes the IRS taxes. forms, procrastination. last minute efforts to comply. this is life!
I am telling you all this (not exactly specific to your case) to encourage you to keep on keeping on. And do not be afraid to go forward, even if you do not have all the answers for your Mil.
Take care of yourself. You are a caregiver!
How are things with the dog?
Send in her form as she's written it. It presents a true picture of her ability, for example, to understand and process information. Just make sure it's stapled firmly to your own account. Will there be any kind of independent/professional assessment to go with this?
I hesitate, because I don't want you to spit in my eye even virtually, but your (completely barking!) MIL would be a good candidate for our reablement team.
Take the cereal, which would come under "meal preparation tasks."
MIL is able to: choose what she would like for breakfast; put her cereal onto her plate and add milk; feed herself.
MIL requires support to: select appropriate tableware, (?) use appropriate quantities.
Concerns: MIL can lose track of what meal preparation is being done and may be at risk of forgetting e.g. hot stoves, boiling kettles, etc.
So. If she were our client, we would turn up at her house at about a quarter to eight in the morning and use a combination of verbal prompting and minimal intervention to get the right food onto the right plate with her doing as much of the job as possible.
I have yet to get away from a morning call in under an hour, but I am new and I hope to improve. We have a maximum of forty five minutes allocated for each job (we'd also probably cover washing and dressing, maybe meds and creams), and seeing that some of our clients attempt to make their morning cup of tea with first cat kibble and then Bran Flakes (I won't forget her in a hurry!), the "stand back and let the client do it" theory does not always make it into reality. But you can get away with more cheating if you lavish praise on her for what she IS managing to do.
Can anybody send an OT in to help you analyse her routines and smooth out some of the bumps?
into their database.
It looks like you are making progress already.
It took 1-3 years for "discovery" issues like your mil's to come to the light.
After leaving his home, abruptly, our elder had no real information. But it is better now that one person is in charge.
Hope you can get this sorted.
We took her out for her birthday. Got her her "dream pizza" and ice cream. Everything was going great, she was all smiles, until she wanted nuts on her ice cream. She's allergic. She got really upset and threw her ice cream away before I could even pay for it. I took a deep breath, and Facebooked her daughter. Gave Sister in Law the run down and she had a pleasant talk with Mom while we went home. Made sure I took pictures at the pizza place and I'm glad. Mom got upset because we -forgot- her birthday. Was able to show her the pictures to reassure her we did not.
She mentioned a problem with her lady bits, so we go back to the doctor tomorrow. She banged her knee on something the other day and I think she sprained it. Today, I tried to get her to rest, and elevate it. Went to the restroom and when I came back she was jumping on it, one footed. When I asked her why? "Well, it hurt. When something hurts, you just bang on it till it stops. Seriously, I'm only 14. I'm too young to feel like I'm falling apart". I took deep breaths and managed to get her interested in a movie.
She poured her cereal and milk onto a plate yesterday morning. This made me irrationally aggravated. We had just completed the section about what can you cook and how often and how well on the function report. She said she could cook so well. She can cook seven course dinners. She's a five star chef. She doesn't even have enough sense to use a bowl and not a plate for cereal! Had to take a lot of deep breaths. It seems like that's all I do anymore. Take deep breaths...
And at the end of the day, I feel bad. What could I have done better? Was there something that would've made her feel better? Is she comfortable enough? Is her heater still on or did she turn it off again? And in the morning, it starts all over. Irritation that she peed on the porch (seriously, why?!), Irritation that she's yelling at me for not having any clean clothes when her dresser is stuffed full of them. Irritation all day, guilt and worry all night. Round and round the carousel...
Just a few things that you should be aware of.
Narcissism and dementia both have issues.
A NPD person could lower your self esteem, ie. you're not good enough. And pit some people against each other.
With dementia, they lose the ability to reason. So arguments are pointless. They don't understand.
Always remember you are doing your best. If it doesn't work out, pleases look into other options, like a facility.
--- All the best
This is a fantasic development! Would you consider/ be able with that diagnosis to put her in a memory care home with that diagnosis for a respite of a week or two so you can tend to your own children to get them started back to school? I know your hands have been so full and I don't know how you are doing all this!
However if she has NPD that will be your biggest problem. She is relatively young and do not be guilted into taking on something you will not be able to deal with in the long term.
The rep-payee assignment can be made at the SS office, can you get her there?