What is our ethical duty to my mother in law?
You've all been very helpful on this subject, I now have a fuller picture, filled in from another family member. My MIL, 80, is a lifelong hypochondriac. She goes to the ER, taken by my BIL, at least once a month since I've known her, 10 years or so. In August, she had open heart surg. for a dissected aorta. She had a small stroke right after surgery, lost her sense of taste (temporarily) and became incontinent. She is in a rehab facility but refusing rehab. BIL says he wants to "honor his mother's wishes". She wishes to die. But she's not dying of anything. My husband and I have offered some suggestions for treatment, I have a friend who is a gerontologist who practices at the center where she is, offered to follow up on paperwork, etc. He keeps talking about "malpractice" and that the doctors are doing things that are "actionable"...i.e., they are trying to treat his mother, not neglect her. She says she wants to starve herself to death and is refusing food and all meds except for pain. (what pain? she has a UTI). My husband wants me and us to back out of the situation and let the cards fall where they may...but this lady could live for YEARS in a debilitated state, and I don't want someone to turn around and say that we are in any way then responsible for her care and or upkeep when she's made this bed herself, with the help of her son. Can I ethically walk away from this situation? I appreciate all the wisdom on this board and really want your input.
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Ethically, I don't think people are responsible for doing what they have no power or authority to do.
Can you walk away with a clear conscience? What else can you possibly do?
Recent trivial example: His elderly great-aunt was coming to visit, his mother's first visitor since we relocated her to a NH in our state. She's a conservative Baptist, he brews home beer and stores it in a corner of the guest bathroom. He asks me, "should I put the beer somewhere else?" I reply, "its up to you, its your family."
When you practice on little issues for 30 years, it is easier to support them on the bigger issues of "what to do with demented Mom and Dad".
While there are definite situations that require a joint consensus - where mutually owned assets are involved, possible harm to marital harmony, etc. Many situations can be solved by allowing the spouse whose family is involved to make the final call and employing your personal ethics to support that decision -as you won't always agree with a spouse's decision.
While it is not easy to back off when your spouse and their entire family may be wrong, let's say (purely for speculation purposes:) frequently so, but your marriage and marital harmony should be your priority - now that's a bit of my ethics being shared with you.
If she had dementia, you could fight for custody, which is expensive and you may not win since the brother-in-law has equal rights with your husband. Also, you really can't force her to eat anyway, so I'm not sure you'd gain much.
Please don't feel guilty - it sounds as though you are/have been trying your best and getting nowhere. Backing off may be all you can do. The results could be that she gives up and starts eating or else (unlikely, I think) she could starve. But the wish to die needs to be very strong to do that and she doesn't sound sick enough to stick it out. You might want to discuss this with a chaplain at the hospital, your church or your local hospice. They could help guide you.
Take care,
Carol