Not only do I NOT get any respect, I also am criticized, lectured to and yelled at for a myriad of things I can do nothing about! I have DPOA over my Dad's healthcare, as well as Trustee of his Trust. My brother is DPOA over financials. I always involve my stepmother in decisions, but in the end, it is what a) keeps Daddy happy (meds, no fear porn mail, validation therapy, etc), and b) whatever keeps him in his own home. His wish is b and mine is a & b! She is on board most of the time, but lately, she is losing it a little more and is becoming more difficult. Her children are aware and VERY supportive. They cringe just having to deal with her in general! None of the five wish to step up and help. I don't blame them!
Yeah, there is A LOT of that going around. In your case, who is doing the criticizing? Mostly your stepmother? Is your brother supportive? It sounds like Stepmom's children are. What about outsiders, like doctors and agency people? What to do about it depends on who is doing it.
I have made stepmom my ally up until recently. She has had some health problems, and her alz is getting worse. I "signed up" for Dad's care, but taking on two alz patients? No WAY! I can't do it all. I have been in contact with her oldest daughter and they have no plan for her, except that she shall follow Daddy into assisted living. This is scary, because he isn't paying for both of them. He can afford a better place than she can, but there may not be enough money to take care of him. That is the hardest part of this whole thing is the lack of ability to plan for the next xx years! How can I plan, when I have no idea how long he can stay in his home?
They have a prenup. It says nothing about incapacitation, but it does say that they both come into the marriage with a list of assets and they are to be kept separate at death. Its clear, to me anyway, that his intention was not to pay for her care as well.
But the fact is, very few middle class or working class or the 99% class have any kind of material legacy to hand down to the next generation. We are living so much longer, we are encountering so much more expensive care issues, that few of us who make it past 75 have enough money for our own care, let alone to leave something for our children. This is very disappointing and very sad. But it is reality.
The money your father and his wife have now will need to be used for their care while they are alive. For their care together, I might add. They are married. And IF there is any money left over, when they die what is left can be disbursed to their children according to the pre-nup agreement.
I hope this does not sound like criticism. I know you are not taking care of your father for the sake of your inheritance. Nobody in their right mind would do that. You love him and want the best for him. But you do have to face the financial reality. Their continuing care, whether they are together or apart, may take all the money they have, together and separately.
Whether this is accurate or not, my comments may help someone else, so here goes:
If you do not have caregiving training or medical training you will understandably not know some things, and it could be more dangerous what you don't know than what you are already aware of. My concerns for you and your parent are the prevention and management of aggression, and learning how to de-escalate. Google an article online, or direct to academia.edu, an article by Brendon Stubbs, Prevention and Management of Aggression. If you briefly peruse this article you will be able to more fully understand if you will be able to proceed, or call in help. One cannot become an expert overnight, but at the very least, you should be able to be safe and have your patient safe. If you do not have medical training, the advice may be "Do not try this at home". Next, I agree to consult a geriatric care specialist (a consultant to come to the home). It may be that one or both patients will not qualify for just assisted living, and may be needing more care than what AL provides. You were right to sound the alarm early, because you are there dealing with this. I too, have found the non-caregiving family uncooperative or suffering from bystander apathy in most cases. They will not accept being informed about the care needs from you, and that is a real shame because you are the one who cares! Get more information, call in help. Be safe, no need to panic, this is all do-able. Do you have any friends, friends of the family who could stop by as a visitor/witness?
I know people are going to say, what is she talking about; but if that is anyone, just take what is helpful and ignore the rest. I could have mixed up several questions into one, I hope not, but this caregiver needs help.