Anybody suspect an exploitative family member of saying upsetting things to family member in memory care ALF and upsetting them?

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Anybody suspect an exploitative family member of saying upsetting things to family member in memory care ALF and upsetting them?

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Mom is in memory care ALF. I became her legal guardian when my brother began talking about honoring her wishes to always live at home. The problem is that he is a narcissistic manipulator who has exploited her for years to support him. Being around him is like "walking on eggshells." (Mom's words in the past-which anyone who knows him would agree). We have been trying to sell some of moms properties to pay for her care and brother refused so we had to spend $$$$ in legal fees to proceed with sales. Now we believe brother goes and says things to mom like he is the only one who cares about her and he wants to take her home and take care of her and honor his wishes, etc. we think this is contributing to some of her agitation and are now starting to track this. Has anyone else dealt with siblings with personality disorders or unacknowledged mental illness?

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Yes, Reno55, I am dealing with an exploitative sister who I believe to be a sociopath. She has total control over our mother, both financially and medically. She has been named executor and so far has profited about $200k from her "working" our mom since our father passed away. My mother often claims my sister is "the only one that cares" - wonder where she heard that?? When I visit my mom my sister tries to put a wedge between my mom and me by making false accusations of me of taking things, not caring, etc. This fosters mistrust and makes it hard to have any kind of relationship with my mom. Sounds like your brother has been manipulating your mother to gain favor and get control of her mind and her assets. If you read some books on the subject it may help - I have read extensively about personality disorders in trying to figure my sister out. There is a book available for free on KindleFree...the title was "Sociopathic Caretaker". It is kind of the "Cliff Notes" version of how this calculated manipulation takes place. If you read that, it will help you to understand the manipulation tactics and what your brother is trying to do...he wants her totally under his control so he can further exploit her for any assets she has left. The elderly are now the #1 demographic for financial abuse and exploitation. If you are her legal guardian I think that gives you all the control, even if your brother is able to convince her that he just wants to "honor her wishes". He is trying to lure her away from you by feigning care and concern for her, but really his eye is on the big prize...her estate. I would never let him visit her alone - and use cameras and recorders to capture his activity while visiting. He may play hardball and contact APS accusing you of mistreatment, so document everything. These types are relentless and will go to any lengths to get what they want. Since I live in a different state from the rest of my siblings and mother, I have resigned myself to being able to do very little to affect my sister's manipulation and deceit. I know she will probably end up with the bulk of my mother's estate, and I have come to some degree of acceptance. You at least have some leverage to stop your brother in his tracks since you are your mother's legal guardian. I feel your pain, and sounds like you are not naive about what he is capable of, and will be able to stand up to his attempts to take control away from you, but it will be a battle. Does your mother have a sizeable estate? In my case, my mom has about a million in assets, and four children. My sister is not satisfied to get her quarter of inheritance - she wants it all. I hope she gets it all and buys herself an expensive car - and drives it off a cliff.

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Thank you. I am going to read the book. It has taken this to see my brother clearly. Over the years, I have given him the benefit of the doubt, but he has alienated his ex wife and children and employers and sadly mom is the only person, outside of his church family and maybe a wife, who have a relationship with him. I will keep you posted if I get any helpful info for you.

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Been there! My sister was estranged from the family, but lived up the street from my mom. On the day we moved my mom into assisted living she showed up and started screaming nasty words at all of us, in front of my mom, just as we were walking in her beautiful apartment for the first time, then leaves. She disappeared for a month until Christmas Eve, then shows up again and takes my mom to the hospital, so when we'd pick mom up for our big family celebration, my mom is missing. We all saw my mom prior and nothing was different. The nurse told my sister that nothing had changed in my mother's condition, but she was determined to wreck our Christmas and my mom was her weapon. She told the hospital that my mom was having a heart attack, they ran every test on her and found nothing. Of course, they kept my mom in for bed for several days while testing and by the time she got out of the hospital she could no longer walk. My sister would bad mouth the rest of us any chance given. We did not put a phone in my mom's ALF so she could not call her. She would tell my mom she didn't have to stay there, that she would take her home. The people at assisted living were so good to us and when my sister showed up in her nasty form they would watch from a distance. After my sister would leave I would get hugs from the nurses and director. We did not ban my sister from visiting, but we kept a close eye and took plenty of abuse from her. It was very upsetting to my mom. My brothers had all the control over my mother's health and finances, so I did not worry about those things. You need to read the book "Stop Walking on Egg Shells" it will give you much understanding, but it is difficult when your mother is living in a busy place.

2ndbest, I totally understand why you feel the way you do too. They will go to any length to cause destruction of the family. They will accuse innocent people of abuse, especially men of sexual abuse, they will lie, have tantrums, steal, call the police on anyone, they will try to break up happy marriages, and use any other method possible to get their way. They are dangerous.

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Yes. My sister is and always as been after money. She has pandered to mother and bad mouthed me to try to get all the inheritance. This from one of her children who said she has talked about it for years. I gave her the benefit of the doubt until the last episode when, without consultation though I have POA, she tried to move mother into a inferior cheaper ALF and accused me if having a vested interest in mother's demise. She is the one who has that! All the people who deal with mother will vouch for me. Fortunately mother has a clue or half a clue and made me POA and Executor. Sis took her own children to court and won family money from them then disinherited her son because he would not do everything she wanted. He daughter does do what her mum wants and is an alcoholic. A psychiatrist who saw all three of us said that I was normal, mother has a mental illness - later diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder, but he was more concerned about my sister. I think she has sociopathic tendencies at least. She has the relatives snowed and they think she is sweet as sugar so I get little support there. She causes problems and blames others. You have to protect yourself. When mother dies I will give the executor's job to a professional and she can go after them if she wants to. I am careful about making purchases for mother with her money as I know sis could accuse me of misuse of funds. So I end up paying for some things myself to avoid trouble. No one would find any evidence of misuse, but I am sure sis could still cause trouble. She has enough money to hire lawyers.

Bad enough having a borderline mother to deal with who at 102 is still going pretty strong, then add onto that a sociopathic sister. I agree - they are dangerous.

Big (((((((hugs)))))) to all of us who have to deal with this.

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Yes, and it takes many forms and occurs in many different ways. My sister and her husband gained control of moms finances last year, then got me removed from shared POA -- even though I was living with mom. Then they tried to exclude me from having access to mom's doctors, and stopped medical treatments that led to mom's rapid decline. Now mom is being held prisoner in her own home, is battling her caregivers and should be in a memory care unit. My sister filed for conservatorship last week and low and behold - 2/3rds of mom's estate is missing -- in less than 14 months. And mom is in worse shape than ever.

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I feel for all of u. My brothers don't want the responsility so let me make decisions. Big ones I run by my one brother. Its a shame u didn't have POA in place b/f all of this happened. My husband and I are talking about getting ours shortly. One daughter will handle financed, the other will have our medical. Having Mom here has opened my eyes.

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brinoz- my experience is that they will hate you anyway, so it's ok to stop caring about them. Don't take her calls, block her email, block her texts, and leave when she comes to see mom.

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brin you are not responsible for your mother's decision's or your sister's or their feelings. If you think it best, give up the POA . Is your mum is still competent to assign another one or is your sis your alternate?

I have trouble understanding how you love someone so much who screams obscenities at you. Maybe you love who you hope she would be for you, not who she actually is. She sounds very unlikeable. Zookeeper is right. For whatever reason, she treats you like this. The more you offer yourself up as her victim, the more she will treat you like this no matter what you do. My sis started at me last winter in a very haughty voice, "Can you justify how many times you have visited mother in the last year?" My answer was that I had no intention of justifying myself to anyone. She, by the way, had seen mother less than I had, It stopped her in her tracks, They want to attack and put you on the defensive. You can cut or greatly reduce contact that is stressful for you. Hanging up is a good idea. Not even answering many be a better one.

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JoAnn29 - the Will probably does spell out that everything be divided evenly between us siblings, and we would all understand if there was an extra chunk of change for our sister since she is the caregiver. But it's much more complicated than that. You see, I think my sister has had my mom put her name as POD on her bank accounts (under the guise of "helping" her pay her bills, etc) and named her as sole beneficiary on her annuities ( "Don't worry, I'll share it with my siblings"...haha) and by so doing, our mom may have been duped into giving everything to her. Those assets, because of the POD and beneficiary designations, would not be directed by whatever the Will dictates, they would go directly to my sister and are not considered part of the estate. It won't come to light until after my mom is gone, when my sister can say "Mom didn't want you to have anything". She would love to be able to say that. So my brothers and I would get to share whatever my mom's old car and furniture are worth. Not much. But it's not so much the money that bothers me, it's the fact that my sister will be able to speak for my mom after she's gone, and tell me my mom's intentions were anything she wants me to think they were. That I find terribly upsetting and it will leave long-lasting emotional scars. I will never know if that was truly what my mom intended, or if my sociopathic sister cooked it up to deal one lasting final blow to me. She could then share the booty with the sibling she likes. That is the heart of the matter...and as far as suing her - there is no legal recourse because the Will would be split evenly, it just doesn't contain any assets, except for a few trinkets. See what I am trying to explain? It's a very cunning and calculated foolproof way to hijack your siblings' inheritance totally under the radar. And the elderly person doesn't understand what they have done. And they are dead and buried when it all comes out in the open, and they can no longer speak for themselves. I hate my sister more every day...

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POA should be for the child who is the closest. Easier to do her banking and if hospital, you can give doctors info. This does not make u her executor unless u r in her will. This is sad. So sorry for u.

Anybody suspect an exploitative family member of saying upsetting things to family member in memory care ALF and upsetting them?

13 Answers

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