Hello! I have found this site to be a tremendous source of help, it’s really appreciated! Here’s my situation.. My elderly dad is staying with me for a while. He has his own place out of town.
He is in grief, my mom died a year ago. He came in late November. My place was only a temporary measure, for him to get organized and to have company for a while. However, he seems to think that staying here long term is an option for him. He says that he really doesn’t know what he wants. This is true, as sometimes he says that he can’t wait to return to his home. Other times, it seems that he’d be content to stay at my place indefinitely. That’d be hard on me, as I’m single. Also, he only knows me in this area. He’s got more of a support system back home. I don’t want to be unreasonable with him. However, I did come up with a date which I’d like him to leave. I lied and said that I’ll be working more this Summer, and I’d like him to leave in early June. Also, he’s talked to me disrespectfully at least twice. I told him that as my guest, he’s got to speak with me respectfully. He did apologize both times. I told him that f I feel that he’s not being respectful, I will have to have him go home sooner.
Also, I’m a bit frustrated that he keeps seeing my place as an option for a longer stay, when I’ve been clear that it’s temporary. I feel that he’s not good with boundaries, and almost feel like he’s taking advantage of my kindness.
Am I out of line?
If he's already getting a little too comfortable you might want to move the date of his departure up. You're on a slipper slope here, one wrong move and you're going to have your dad living with you. Be careful.
Since he can move back home and there's a date set for it, that will take the pressure off of having a look. Call ahead of time and arrange for him to meet a resident at each community.
We're conditioned to defer to the wishes of our parents. But in this case, just passively drifting along seems to create discomfort for both of you.
Unless he is suicidal or mentally incompetent, it's not your problem where he goes next. And at this point it may be best to LOVINGLY tell him he needs to relocate now. Otherwise, it’s possible you could jeopardize your long-term relationship with your father.
When he gets where he’s going, a grief support group might be a big help to him.
Good luck and God bless.
"Early June" is the kind of deadline which is prone to slippage. Better would be to start looking at options for your father to return to his familiar neighbourhood and create an actual, date-related timetable.
You will have given him six months' bereavement rehabilitation. That's plenty. For a further six months or so after that, continue to communicate with him regularly so that you can keep tabs on his progress as he settles back in at home, and form good links with his friends, neighbours, doctors and so on so that you have a network to call on for help in supporting him.
Listen: you are NOT being unkind or unreasonable. You have your own life; your father has his own life; this is a good thing for both of you. You're not deserting him, you haven't let him down - you're doing nothing wrong in wanting normality to return.
You don't say how old your Dad is but maybe he needs some assistance getting back home and someone to show him all the places and people he could hang out with back there.
I do not think you are terrible, if your Dad is young enough and in fairly good health he needs to get back to life and allow you to get back to yours. If you know anyone back where he lives that you could talk to and get their help with talking to Dad.....like "Jim, I can't wait to see you, lets go fishing when you get here!"
In years past I might have thought you horrible for this, but let me tell you after 8 years of doing this (really 17) I no longer think anyone is terrible for wanting their own lives back, so do I!!!!!!